~ "I hate the mornings after I cry. I let another day begin with swollen eyes." She smiled sadly.
I knew Sarah can't take care of our child.
''It's alright darling, we started life crying too you know?
Still, we enjoyed it at times when we forgot it's life
and remembered it's ours."
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Out of a womb delicate infant
Into your cotton-soft content
Know only the pleasure of sleeping
Yawning in your atmosphere of oneness
"No! Things didn't change Michael. You changed things!" I wailed.
He wouldn't lose a thing to make me happy but he won't dare let go of his ego
I had once come to realize
Those independent were ones fearing surrender to another
"Don't put in the full effort Sarah, leave space for him to chase you. Then girl you know he'll do you better."
Oh if only my friends understood that some thoughts and answers are for each to create, never to borrow from one another.
All it 'could have been'
are why I found it hard to let go of him
"I don't know why you stopped loving me Michael, I truly don't.
But I don't know why I loved you either, so I guess we're done."
Hello new beginnings
Stuck with a baby in the middle
Not sure how I could find a way for our baby to live well
The scent of fresh strawberries chopped in her morning dish
Years ago my little tot this is what made me live
Been searching you a caretaker for long
Darling I always wish to leave you for one who is strong
Micheal crashed my dreams for our future when he left us to fall
Now your mommy is too weak to smile at your drawings
Or play with your dolls with anything but regret
But don't you love this oatmeal I made you while you slept?
And those cartoons you're watching play you a better life than ours
But I'll think of a man to make your father before here is where my life stops
I know a child like you can't talk relief into my core
I live only to receive
Having no will to offer you more
And I've asked my glass of wine what it needs
say: express the damage done to self
and I understood how much my heart had to keep
Micheal took away my right to expressing emotions
Forcing me to forget the meaning of my own pain.
I've read thousands of books when young
Thinking I could plan my life well
Didn't consider the chance of mistakes ahead
Knowing I can never accept the idea of flaws in a fulfilling life
Chased the words of men who showed me what love has stolen from me
Till a friend told me never to force myself to love those safe just to pass time and I had to admit that I was selfish but I eagerly needed to fit myself into someone else's world
And when I'm done with this journey that drained all beauty I'd known
I'll still love the touch of your skin, my little tot
The perfect match for sweet oils.
On your tiny hands and feet, I'll rub it
How they become one is magic itself.
All the skin on your figure for a blissful purpose
Holds you gently ready to absorb affection
But mommy is not ready for you yet.
A woman with no purpose
Bring the glitter to the surface
Kill no one with the process
But her pure use of a headspace
.......
Run your hand through your hair kind of melody
A holographic taste to three a.m. remedies
Tear into the heavy floating clouds of ecstasy
Build your home in a love-immersed memory
My mother once told me:
"Never live life for others to feel safe."
She said: "It's a waste of time to help mankind hide their mistakes."
So if you flip the radiant hearts aside
Wobbly tables with sobbing children on top you'll find
But with the plenty of distractions that we can create
A joyride can still be made
I'm the kind of girl who knows what she wants only when she sees it
So I drag my eyes across scenes and I wait for the echos to come around
while time tries to rush through life's breathtaking moments
Dying to make music and let people sit in their feelings
Let it be the cooldown of a child's cry
Or one you'd sway to while eating a pie
Flip my years around
Assertive with standing my ground
Yet how much could a teenager have in her heart to wait this long?
For a day where she can celebrate a life her mother has sacrificed so much for
No one mentions the numbness after the pain
when you don't have anyone to sing about
or a memory to chase
I found blood, sweat, and tears
being the perfect outcome of everyone's sinking fears
When ocean deep never found
Creating a space in our hearts frozen and out of time.
Life tangles it's profound angles before it could be expound
This time is the ugly scratch on a polished table
I'm craving what will not get old
Seeking a connection like gold
Never rusty and too precious to be sold
So which have you got?
Let them all admit
We're living for similar outcomes
Trying to blossom before our time crumbles
My mother knows that love has broken the heart she'd took forever to sew
Yet she still chooses the red of threads
Of that, her men would beg
May my words be floating noises till you know the feeling they speak
Till your senses can translate:
The chords of an instrument, eyes of a statue, and a wolf's cry
Surrender to the sensations of the heroine put into your soul
A spirit touched by nature
Couldn't accept a life as low as her words
So I forced myself to stay in my bedroom that is a caption of the world I wish to create
A world where desire is safe and detached from labels
A world where people don't need to disown dreams they are shamed for
Maybe mother will know how to play it right then
Without any addictions or butterflies
But when it's all over
She'll realize she was never even sober
I could only assume what her tears taste like but could never understand
For we are a life long diary with hundreds of lines that tremble and shake
One after the other strengthening the storm inside
We are layers of the past
And some days don't actually pass
So she highlighted the flaws of her six year old
but not those of the pet she's bought
And I made my raven hair the ink in my pen
Writing myself a bright future hoping to sleep well.
The appetite and desire
Aren't the cause for our risks igniting into a tragic fire
But we made enemies of ourselves
Yet if we validated our unheard thoughts
If we valued our story which only we could tell
We wouldn't let strangers steal so many pages of our time
How come the strangers own the story?
And why are authors strangers to their own books now?
And I'm grateful for a father to remind me that this life is mine
I have let the loss of control make me think I'm holy
And this moment is surely where I let my old life decompose
Hearts are flammable
Told and heard differently
Misunderstood constantly
Love is right for this universe
Yet It still could be done wrong
But here's the thing
"Do you wanna free your soul tonight?"
.soul loss.