I WILL ALWAYS BE WITH YOU

My conscience is clear, my emotions altered. Satoshi has to know, that I can no longer feel the same, that I can no longer continue to punish us for something that can no longer be repaired. Maybe it wasn't his fault and it wasn't his intention, it's hard to feel something again without hurting or fracturing us.

To think that we could be something in the future, to rule as a couple is? Hard, difficult and more when you assimilate that it is perfect when it is not. Things changed and if they changed it was because of something, "cause of destiny" as my mother would say.

Soshi listens to me attentively sitting next to me eating a little, I find it curious that Hiroki doesn't feel any kind of jealousy towards Soshi? because he knows that we are like two drops of water, we are like brothers, so to speak.

Soshi helps me to eat since my right arm was the one that got hurt and now it will be very difficult to try to do some physical activity. It still hurts too much.

-Open your mouth dear! - he teases me treating me like a little girl, we laugh for a while - well... and now what have you been thinking? what will you tell Satoshi when he comes? If he comes, because last night he wasn't very happy with you... but maybe he got the news that you almost died at the hands of a spy from the castle, possibly he will come to see you - he tells me this while he wipes my face with a napkin, I look at him without knowing what to do... or knowing what to tell him, what was I supposed to do about it if I can't do anything about it.

-things with Satoshi aren't the same anymore.... It wasn't his fault though... Something just broke and it can't be repaired anymore, if he tries to do that he will only cause harm to himself.... We will cause harm to each other- I give a worried sigh- Hiroki is still very upset because.... Satoshi kissed me... that day - Soshi nods just as worried.

- But it's already broken... You've already hurt each other, we can't keep saying that what's broken, is broken. At least you love him, but no longer as the lover you liked so much and you melted - he dramatizes - now you see him as... Your cousin, without further ado. When you fell in love with Hiroki you realized his flaws, insecurities and fears and you decided to fight, even if those flaws affected you in a big or small way? That's love, but if you don't feel the same for Satoshi, that he was wrong and you didn't decide to fight or believe in him? It's because it's not real love.... Don't you think you would fight for him even knowing that he also has flaws? - she looked at him attentively and scared. On his side he's right, I can't do that anymore.... I can't fight with that anymore... Hiroki has something that makes me fight for him, to have him close to me.

- You are right... I can't do that anymore, I can't repair what is broken, I can't allow them to do the same to me - I lower my head trying not to think about... Kyoto... why is he doing that now?

-Are you talking about the girl you told me about? - I nod a couple of times - you're jealous... because you think they'll get back together, but if it was like that... I think Hiroki would have simply rejected you - he explains wanting to send me another bite of food - he looks like he adores you, woman. Besides... now I understand why you're in love with Hiroki... in his eyes you can see loyalty, although Satoshi loves you... if he had loyalty you wouldn't be in this predicament - Soshi as always is right, and although he did it to protect me, his loyalty in the end didn't end up being solid.

- Thank you - I smile at him very grateful for clearing another doubt from my head.

- I will always be with you - he gives me a friendly hug.

Hiroki stayed awake almost all night again, taking off my bandage and changing it every time he could, I couldn't sleep much either just thinking that I have to give an explanation to Satoshi, I feel frustrated that I can't talk to him and he is still upset with me.... but it's normal for him to be like this... a month ago I was supposed to almost love him madly, but I can't feel all that anymore and I can't allow him to melt us both in a lot of pain, it hurts me too to see him suffer because of me, but what can I do about it?

Hiroki is about to stand up to put the things away and let me rest, I take his hand avoiding him to leave....

-Please... stay - I beg him with my eyes, he knows I'm not talking about him physically staying, we already sleep in the same room... I'm talking about... staying... .... In my heart, to be with me when I need him, to stay and give me a hug, although he is not usually very expressive, he watches me... and although he always has that frown on his face and is cold on the outside, inside I know he longs to stay with me. He sits down again, he caresses my cheek with his so soft hand, he brushes his fingers on my lips without looking away and I without looking away from his, he gently takes me by the back of my head... my heart wants to burst at this moment, it goes as fast as a horse, just like his gallop... he comes closer to me and gives me a soft kiss, so soft that his lips... are the sweetest I have ever tasted.

He slowly lays me down without taking his face away from my lips... until he is on top of me.... he then kisses my neck a little and tickles it with his lips, he slowly removes my kimono with a lot of sweetness... I know what he wants... it's what I want too... I can't help letting myself go, his kisses are like the melody of a piano, they are just beautiful, so pleasant, so relaxing to feel that he loves me, to feel that we can melt, he embraces me and sticks his lips again like never before, more and more passionate... but in a moment... he stops, he just holds me in his arms and prostrate on my chest... he is just motionless without saying anything. He grabs me very tightly by the waist with no intention of pulling away...

-I'm sorry... - Hiroki says... I don't understand why he's apologizing... I don't understand why he's sad, and even if he doesn't cry, I know that something overwhelms him...

-What's wrong? - i ask him very confused, he refuses to tell me, he doesn't answer me

-I'm just... sorry .... - he says very sad... I can't understand... he wants to apologize for something... I just smile, I take him to my arms... I give him a kiss on his reddish hair that I love and captivates me, I caress it a little.

-It's all right... - I tell him in whispers, I return the favor as he returned the favor to me.... every time I was scared, every time I was grieving and falling apart, he had arms to cry in and tell me that everything is going to be okay... not to worry, there was always his voice telling me to be calm. I want to do the same... I want to spoil him this way... and even if he doesn't cry... even if he stays on my chest... I can feel that he is calm here.

That night there was no more than a simple hug, but, even if it had been simple... I am aware... that it comes from the deepest part of my heart. I was able to enjoy more of Hiroki's scent that usually makes me very drunk, it feels good to feel this delicious touch.

The next day Soshi takes me to the room to eat, Hiroki went out.... as usual he never tells us where he is going, but he told Soshi that if I woke up, he would take care of me while Hiroki was leaving, and although Soshi asked him, he didn't tell him where he usually goes to. I find it curious that he doesn't allow Naoki or Kimura to come in to see me alone.... (well Kimura likes me, but he only finds me nice... and it's very obvious that he accepts Hiroki to be with me) but Naoki I can't understand... if he was the one who helped us to escape.

Soshi arrives with the tray and serves it on the small table, as always he spoons me as if I were five years old and plays with me (next to Soshi I look like a little girl).

-You are so annoying! - I refute him, but he doesn't stop teasing me and making me look bad and to tell the truth, it's fun to tease each other. He gives me mouthful and proceeds to speak.

-My dear! Have you talked to Satoshi - I freeze trying to swallow, but I shake my head looking at the floor.

-He hasn't... come to see me... - if it frustrates me a little that he hasn't bothered to talk to me since what happened last time, I understand that he's upset, but... I almost died, if only to know how I am or if I'm still alive.

-It's getting more and more tense.... - says Soshi as worried as me....

-Were you looking for me? - Satoshi's voice booms behind our backs as he enters the room. "He did come to see me..." I thought to myself - Soshi... I need to talk alone with my princess.... - he says gently, but Soshi doesn't want to betray Hiroki's word.

-All right... but quickly... I don't want there to be fights between Hiroki - says Soshi frowning at Satoshi, Soshi goes away leaving us alone, I feel uncomfortable since I can't see them in the eyes after what has been happening between us.

-You are very hurt... - he says looking without disguise at my arm wound -I see that Hiroki failed in taking care of you... that makes me happy... but I also failed...

-He didn't fail! - I refute him because of his comment that made me angry... - he took care of me these days... all this month... You left again! - it is notorious that I am very upset that he is gone, even if it is also to stay.

-If you're angry... then you still like me...

- That's not what I meant... - I answer him - you said you cared about me and that you wanted to protect me, it's the uncertainty that you are not keeping your promises, not even if we are cousins! - he knows that what I say is true... I try to calm down and continue - Satoshi... you know that I have already made a decision... - I tell him lowering my gaze a little... - I...

- You don't need to tell me... .... - takes my glass of water and puts it to his mouth and puts it back on the table.

- If you know... please... don't try anything... - he looks at me with a little bit of contempt, but I know he is hurt... then his gestures change and he understands the situation better...

- You know that you will always be the only one...

- I know... - I answer him - and even if I know it .... I can't give you another chance - He returns to look at me, gives a small smile, gently takes my hand.

- That kiss will be on my chest - he says... I start sobbing... as this will be the end of our relationship... our relationship that was never really anything - if I could... break this wall... cut this distance... but sometimes... it's better than not... - his voice trembles a little as he says these words.

- I am sorry... - I wet her hand with my tears

- Always Naomi... I will be with you.... Always... - she concludes.

I can understand now...that this was something that had to happen, that I should have surrendered from the minute my father sent him away...it only hurt us to have to resist and submit to something that was never going to be possible...something that will never be like before...it is something that I must learn and I must live with this...live with that I can't do anything about it and say..... "good bye", sometime we must say "good bye" many times we will know it and other times we will be taken by surprise, this had to happen this way for our path to tell us "Good bye"....