Chapter 8: It is difficult to know at what moment love begins; it is less difficult to know that is has begun

Chapter 8: It is difficult to know at what moment love begins; it is less difficult to know that is has begun

-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Sophia

He kissed me. I think to myself as I stand in front of the door like a lost puppy. I could tell that he was alarmed by what he did. All I can think is that the kiss was some kind of knee-jerk reaction. Like a kiss, a man gives to his wife before he walks out the door. Perhaps he has kissed someone like that before, and for a moment, forgot where he was and who he was kissing. Which depresses me more than I thought.

He was so sweet last night when he set me next to him and stroked my back so gently. Being beside him really did chase the nightmares away. I wanted to stay in his arms forever. But I know that all of this is just kindness. Micah and I have never had a problem being affectionate towards each other. From day one, he was accepting of my dad and me. He would always be affectionate and playful with me to the point of hugging and kissing like brother and sister. The problem was that he was not my real brother, and there was always this underlying sexual need on my end. I was in love with him, and every affectionate gesture on his part made it harder for me not to love him. I mean, I still wear the diamond necklace he gave me on my eighteenth birthday, simply because he gave it to me.

When I woke up this morning, I felt so needy and hungry for him; that I went in search of him with the pretext of needing my charger. But the reality was that I wanted to see him and feel him again. My throat clogs with emotion as I stand there with my eyes glued to the door. Placing a hand on my stomach, I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths. I can't fall apart. I can't do this again. Not like the last time. It's not fair to me, and it's not fair to Micah. It's not his fault that I'm hopelessly in love with him. I just don't know how to make myself stop.

Eventually, I get control of my emotions and take a deep breath. Running my hand through my loose hair, I pull it behind my head and twist it into a loose knot. I need a distraction from my thoughts. Looking down at my cell phone, I dial Darren's number again. But this time he doesn't answer. "This is Darren leave a message." I think for a moment, then respond. "Hey babe, I was wondering if you wanted to do some sightseeing. Call me back." Hanging up the phone, I bite my lower lip and make a decision. I need to get out of here before I go crazy and begin to roll around his bed like a crazy stalker girl. Taking my brown, hobo bag, I reach for the keys Micah gave me and press the button on the elevator door.

I spend the next few hours shopping, hanging around Time Square, and taking a few sightseeing tours, but it's not what I expected it to be. I mean, the tours are nice, but it's not the same when you're alone, especially when there are loving couples who are holding hands, kissing, or whispering to each other animatedly. If anything, my thoughts are even darker. As the bus makes its rounds through Central Park, I remember the day my heart shattered into a million pieces.

It was after my eighteenth birthday. My dad, Chelsea, Micah, and I took a trip to St. Martin. It was kind of an impromptu honeymoon for them, and they wanted us to share in it. Seeing that Micah actually had some time off, our parents took advantage and booked us a trip. There was something different about Micah during that trip. He was more serious and solemn. When I asked him about it, he said it was something with work, but he wouldn't elaborate. For the most part, we had fun during the trip. But even though he was participating, he seemed preoccupied. It was the last night of our trip when I was able to catch him in a private moment. Our parents were taking a nap before dinner, and Micah was taking a walk near the edge of the beach. He was wearing khaki pants and a white button-down shirt. He looked gorgeous and enigmatic walking under the moonlight, and I was drawn to his tortured veneer. Slipping into my cutest, shortest, white knit summer dress, I let my hair loose and slipped into some white slippers to follow him.

I remember his body stiffening alertly when I jumped on his back with a lighthearted giggle. "Hey," I whispered in his ear, with a playful peck on his cheek. He wrapped his arms around my legs and continued to walk with me on his back until he reached a flat rock and slipped me on top of it. Feeling playful, I grabbed his arm and pulled him next to me. He sat quietly and leaned his elbows back on the rock with a pensive look at the moon. "What's wrong?" I whispered, resting my head on his shoulder as I rubbed his chest soothingly. He didn't answer at first. Instead, he curled his arm around my shoulders and pulled my head under his chin. "It's nothing. I'm just relaxing." He uttered huskily.

I remember looking up at him, placing my hand on his chin, and turning him to face me. "You know you can tell me anything, Micah," I whispered. He looked lost as he gazed at me and caressed his fingers over my face. I don't know what came over me. It might have been the sweetness of the moment, or the overwhelming rush of love I felt for him─, so I kissed him. It wasn't the sweet soft kiss he laid on my lips earlier. It was a full-blown, passionate meeting of our mouths. Holding tightly to his neck, I sucked his lips into mine and slipped my tongue out to meet the sweet deliciousness of his nectar. I was so lost in the kiss that I didn't notice that he was not kissing me back. I mean, he did kiss me at first, which might have been a knee-jerk reaction, but then he shut down.

Pulling away from him, I looked into his eyes and whispered. "I love you, Micah." I will never forget him standing up and pacing with a frustrated frown. All I could do was sit there and wait for him to take it all in. Foolish me, I thought that he was somehow going to fall to his knees and profess his undying love. But that's not how it happened. Instead, he kneeled before me and whispered the words that would break my heart into little pieces. "Listen, Sophia. You're a sweet girl, and any man who you love is fortunate to have that love. But you don't love me. You just have a crush on me. You're too young to know what love is."

I remember my eyes welling up with tears and desolation rushing through my heart. Trying to keep myself from crying, I shook my head and managed to utter. "Please don't say that to me. This is not a crush. I love you, and I want you to be my first!" I uttered with a desperate plea. But Micah wasn't having any of it. To my shame, he shook his head and whispered. "No, you don't want that. I don't want to be with you. And I don't love you. I'm sorry, Sophia. I just can't deal with this right now… I'm sorry." And then he walked away.

I went back to my hotel room and bawled my eyes out for the rest of the night. Thankfully, I was saved from further humiliation the next morning when Chelsea informed us that Micah had been called from work and had to take an earlier flight. We didn't see each other for a long time after that. I was shattered by his rejection, and I didn't deal with it well.

Soon after I came home, I became reckless and began to drink and party without care. I lost my virginity to the school's bad-boy a few months later. I just didn't care about saving myself for the man I loved after that. Not when the man I loved told me that he didn't want anything to do with me. As I said before, sex became easier after that. I would probably still be drinking and messing around if it wasn't for Chelsea's compassionate nature.

I was coming home late one night after some heavy partying with my friends when Chelsea intercepted me outside the house. She was sitting on the porch swing with a strange looking box on her lap.

I remember stumbling up the stairs and giving her a curious stare. "What are you doing up so late, Chelsea?" I slurred out drunkenly. Chelsea simply gave me a sweet smile and patted the seat next to her. "Come here, Sophia." She uttered in a soft tone. For a moment, I wondered what this was about, but I was still too buzzed to argue. So I sat next to her and asked. "What's in the box, Chelsea?" She looked down at the box solemnly then placed it on my lap. "This is all I have left of Micah's father, Gavin. I loved Gavin with all my heart, and when I lost him, I felt like my world was gone. I was at my darkest moment. I had lost the only love I've ever known. I remember I cried for weeks after he died. The only light in my darkness was Micah, but even he couldn't drag me out of my depression. I'm ashamed to say that I pushed Micah aside for a while. I drank, and I partied until I thought I could forget my pain. But I never did. Then, one day, Micah got very sick. I was out at some club, partying the night away when my babysitter called. Micah was running a high fever and was coughing up liquids. I ran to the hospital and saw my little boy looking so small and fragile. I couldn't believe I neglected my baby─ the only thing I had left of my dear husband. I then realized that I let Gavin down by not protecting our son. From that day forward, I straightened up my act and took care of Micah. I decided that I was going to live. Not just for my son, but for my husband, Gavin. Because I know he would have wanted me to be happy. Then, when I least expected it, I met this wonderful man with his beautiful daughter, and my heart came alive again. That's when I knew that Gavin was looking out for me. I fell in love with the man and the beautiful girl, and those little-fractured pieces of loneliness that didn't quite heal with Micah's love where healing."

She stops talking for a moment as a few stray tears escape her eyes, and her breath hitches with emotion. "Do you understand what I'm telling you, Sophia? I don't know what has happened, and you have every right to your privacy, but I want you to know that if you want to talk, I'm here for you." She opens the box to reveal its contents. I look inside the box to find a scarf, a medal, a few pictures of her and what I assume was Gavin with Micah, and a wedding ring. "Sometimes, we do things to cover our pain. Or we hang onto things because we are scared to live. Your father and I know you're growing up and need to experience things, but we worry about you. You've been so distant and angry lately. I know that I'm not your mother, or even have the right to tell you what to do. I just want you to know that things will get better if you don't give up hope." She places her hand over mine and lays a gentle kiss on my head. "Don't let whatever has made you lose the hopeful light that makes you our beautiful Sophia go out. Let go of the past, and find your new happiness."

My eyes blur at her words as emotion wells up inside. Suddenly the dam of anguish and shame breaks inside me, and I begin to cry. Chelsea pulls me into her arms without a word. She simply holds me and murmurs comforting sounds as she rocks me in place. "He doesn't love me." I croak out as I cling to her shoulders. "He told me that he didn't want to be with me and walked away. And I love him so much, Chelsea." Chelsea holds me tighter and lays consoling kisses on my head. "It's okay, Sophia. I know that your heart is broken right now. And if you want we can break a few things, or eat ice cream and watch romantic comedy movies until we vomit, but don't let his words defeat you, honey. Somewhere out there, there is a man who will love you in return. Do you believe me, Sophia?" She asked with the assuredness of someone who has experienced heartbreak and a second chance at love. And I believed her. I truly did. From then on, I was more discriminating with my relationships. I stopped drinking and partying excessively and dated a few times; until eventually, the pain became a dull ache.

That was the moment that Chelsea and I became more than stepdaughter and stepmother. She was my friend and the mother I always wanted. I never told her that the man who had broken my heart was Micah, and she never asked.

Pulling my thoughts away from the past, I rise when the bus makes a stop next to the shops near Central Park. It's after six o'clock, and the sun is going down when I get to one of my closest friends' shop. Maleah and Sage both own a small dessert shop near downtown Manhattan called Sweet Perfect. Maleah is a baker, and Sage is the one that takes care of promotions, accounts, and anything having to do with the business end of the shop. They both opened up the shop last year, and it has become very successful. I designed the space for them as a project for one of my classes. The shop is small, with a Paris feel to it. We painted the walls a pearl pink with white wainscoting and hung Parisian photographs all over the place. The tables are wrought iron with a delicate gold tapered chair, and the counter is a gleaming glass with several desserts adorning its surface and a large stainless steel espresso machine. I met Maleah and Sage during my freshman year at NYU. We became fast friends after that.

Maleah is behind the counter, putting a few things on one of the shelves when I walk in. She's gorgeous with caramel-colored skin, lush red lips and gorgeous brown hair. She's tall and lush and takes no crap. Sage and I are a lot more similar, with our blond hair. Except that Sage's eyes are a cobalt blue, and mine are hazel. Sage's hair is pin straight too, and she's a few inches taller than me with a slimmer build. She looks like a supermodel. The bell over the door rings when I step through the door, making Maleah's eyes widen with pleasure when he sees me. "Hey, girl!" She screams out as she runs around the counter to wrap her arms around me. I hug her back and jump in place with her feeling good to see one of my closest friends. After a moment, she pulls back from my embrace and gives me a welcoming smile. "What are you doing here, sweetie? I thought you and Darren were staying at your mom's house for the next two weeks." I shake my head and gesture to the pastry counter. "I'm going to need one of those if we're going to talk about that."

Maleah smiles in bemusement and waves me towards one of the empty wrought iron chairs. "Okay, chick, have a seat, and let me bring you something sweet to eat." She says with a gruff South Bronx accent. After a few minutes, she comes back with a tray holding two cups and a plate of pastries. Taking one of the cups, I take a sip and reach for a sweet. "Thanks, I'm starving."

She waves at the plate and tilts her head in anticipation. "So, are you going to tell me why you're not screwing your boyfriend's brains out right now? Or are you going to let me sit here dying of anticipation?" I scoff at her comment. "Come on, girl, since when do I keep what is happening in my life from you?" Maleah snorts loudly and crosses her legs. "Okay then, tell me, mami. What is going on with you?" I don't hesitate to answer her when she waves her hand in encouragement. "Well, Darren and I did actually go to my parent's house for Spring Break, but…" I stop talking for a moment. Not because I don't want to tell her, but because I want to build up anticipation. Maleah loves drama. "AND!" She asks with an agitated growl. "And…" I say, releasing a deep breath. "…Micah showed up." You can almost hear a pin drop with how quiet she gets.

Maleah and Sage know about my history with Micah. I remember telling them the whole tragic story after a few drinks. They were super supportive and cool about it. It was the kind of friendship I needed. "So, what happened?" She squeals out with excitement. I can't help but shake my head with chagrin. "So he walked into the backyard's enclosed lanai and found me by the pool…naked." Her eyes widen in surprise as she absorbs what I'm saying. Then she throws her head back and starts laughing boisterously. "Oh, Shit! That is crazy!" She heaves out hysterically.

"Yeah, but that's not the crazy part. He also grabbed Darren by the neck and started to choke him in front of me. He was so mad that I thought he was going to kill him. And as soon as he found out that I was staying there with Darren over Spring Break. He went ballistic, ordered me to pack my stuff, and sent Darren to his frat house so that I can come home─ with him.

Maleah shakes her head with astonishment. "Wait a minute. You said he caught you naked. Did he check out the goods?" She asks, wagging her brows comically. I shrug my shoulders in response. "I don't know. I was too shocked to notice. He just took off his jacket and told me to cover up."

Maleah's face falls into a pout. "That's crazy. So now you're staying with him. How are you dealing with that?" I shake my head with a frown. "We'll see. It's only the second day with him, and I feel like all of my emotions are on alert. Every time we're near each other, my heart feels like it's going to explode and my body comes alive. It hurts because I know that it's not his fault that I want him, and that he doesn't want me back. I don't know." Maleah places her hand over mine. "Did he say anything to you?" My lips tighten with renewed humiliation. "He apologized for hurting me if that's what you're asking." Her mouth becomes grim. "Aw, shit, that sucks." Shaking my head, I wipe my hands down my face and take a deep breath. "You know what? Let's not talk about this anymore. Let's talk about something else. How's everything here? And where's Sage?"

Maleah nods in acceptance of the change in subject and leans back in her chair. "Well, Sweet Perfect is doing great. You were right about the location. We get a good number of customers being that we're in the same proximity as Central Park. As for Sage…" She stops and looks out the window with a grim scowl. "She's not here because there's some guy stalking her." My mouth falls open at her words. "What?" She nods. "Yeah, it started a few weeks ago. We went to this club, and there was this creepy guy there. It was like he fixated on her. He got a little persistent, and Sage was not having any of it. So she turned him down flat, but the guy has not been good at taking no for an answer. He's been following her around and has shown up at our apartment a few times. He's totally freaking us out. But when we called the police, they gave us some bullshit about him not breaking any laws. It's freaking frustrating because she took out a restraining order, and the guy is still showing up wherever she goes. He showed up here a few times, and she became pretty upset. I mean, the asshole was scaring off the customers. So we got a security system, and she's working from home now. We don't know what else to do." She utters with a sad sigh.

My chest expands with anger. "What the hell? That's so wrong. Has he hurt her?" Maleah shakes her head. "No. He's never touched her or anything. That's why the cops won't do anything. But he keeps showing up everywhere. It's just psychotic." I shake my head at her defeated tone. "Holy crap, girl. We need to talk to someone!" Maleah shakes her head with a disillusioned frown. "I told you there is nothing we can do but buy a can of pepper spray, sharpen a shiv, and hope that he goes away." We both sit there for a few minutes and talk. It's nice to talk about things with a friend and not feel judged or feel an emotional roller coaster of feelings. We just hang out, and it's nice.

After a few hours pass, I make my way back towards Micah's building. It's a long walk to Micah's house from Maleah's shop, but I use the time to get my emotions under control before I see him. Unfortunately, it's all for nothing because Micah isn't there. For the next few hours, I sit on his expensive Italian couch, worried and frightened. At some point, I text him but get no response, so I stay up and watch for the door until the lure of sleep is too strong and my eyes close. I just hope he's okay.