Chapter 9: The heart wants what it wants-or else it does not care

Chapter 9: The heart wants what it wants-or else it does not care

-Emily Dickinson

Micah

This is not how I expected the day to go. It's crazy how one person can change things in a blink of an eye? It doesn't take me long to get to the rendezvous point. We're in a small park near the Cast Iron building just a mile from Times Square. Maya is sitting on a bench across the playground, observing all of the kids playing. It's not difficult to spot her golden hair and severe-looking suit. She screams businesswoman.

"Maya," I say with a polite smile as I take a seat next to her. She returns my smile and leans an arm over the bench's back. "You're late, Savage." I roll my eyes and gesture to the street. "There was a lot of traffic." She shrugs and rolls her eyes. "Yeah, sure." I wait for her to continue, but she simply stares at me intently. Letting out an impatient breath, I shrug my shoulders and gruffly ask. "So, what was so urgent that you wanted to meet me here?"

She takes a deep breath and gestures to the playground. "I figured this would be a good place to talk." I frown at her tone. Maya has never been the type of person to hedge when it comes to business. Yet, here she is, being cryptic and annoying me. Leaning my elbows on my knees, I clap my hands together in frustration and utter, "Just tell me, Maya." Her shoulders slump slightly as she considers her words. "My people were able to do some research on the recovered children at the Hansen ranch. Unfortunately, what we found was not exactly what we expected…"

I look up when her voice drifts away and wave for her to continue. "Just say what you have to say, Maya." She swallows deeply and looks down at her bare hands. "The children were not kidnapped, Micah." My head snaps up, and my mouth tightens with rage. "What do you mean they were not kidnapped?" She shakes her head and waves her hand around in puzzlement. "What I mean is that those kids were actually purchased…from their parents." My body shoots up, and my fists tighten with rage. "Are you telling me that those children were sold to Hansen? That their parents knew what was going to happen to them and sold them?" Maya nods her head and purses her lips as if trying to stifle a sob. "Yes, that's what I mean. It was done through a procurer who set up the negotiation. The profiles we got on all of the parents are the same. Low-income families with criminal backgrounds, which makes it easier for them to disappear. Most of the parents have either been put in jail or are living in crack houses. The little girl…the little girl you brought us was sold by her mother. Her mother was a prostitute who was pronounced dead of an overdose a few weeks ago."

Emotion clogs my throat. What kind of monster would do that to their own child? It just makes no sense. Yet, this is the kind of world we live in, and this is why I do what I do. "Is that it?" I ask, noticing her disquiet. Maya shakes her head again and continues. "No, it's not. We've also found out that a few of Willem Kazik's known associates are involved in the negotiations. But that's not the worst part." I take a deep breath and brace myself for her next words. "When we searched Hansen's property, we found a mass grave…with children's bones. The oldest grave is at least two years old." She ends in a monotone voice.

Bile rises in my stomach as I gaze at Maya's slumped form. Her breath hitches and her eyes tear up as she gazes up at me with resignation. "According to our intel, Hansen procured children at least once a month for his parties. The men do what they want to the children until they are too damaged, and either he kills them, or they die. Once they're done with the children, they throw them in an unmarked grave and move onto the next batch of kids. The kids you saved where the newest batch. You saved them before he could do anything to them."

I can see by the look on her face that her words are meant to make me feel better. Like applying a salve to a bleeding wound. But there's nothing she can say that will relieve the black chasm inside my soul. I don't think anything ever can.

Maya rises to stand before me and places her hands on my shoulder. "Don't do this to yourself, Savage. There was nothing you could have done. We didn't know about those children." I shake my head at her words and rub the back of my neck as I pace in place. I want to kill something at that moment. I want' to feel the blood of that bastard Hansen's body drip through my fingers. "How could the Confradia not know about this, Maya? How could we let that happen?" Maya shakes her head with pity. "I'm sorry, Savage."

"So, what's going to happen to the children?" I ask, thinking about the little golden-haired girl and her elfin features. Maya shrugs her shoulder. "The agency has turned them over to the New York foster care system. Eventually, the children will be placed in a home, and all of this will be forgotten. They'll be fine, Savage."

I bite my lips to stifle an epitaph. It's not a good idea to swear in a park near children. "Fine. Is that all?" I ask with a belligerent tone. Maya's face falls. "Listen, Micah, how about we go somewhere and get a drink." I gaze into her crystalline eyes and think about another woman who is back at my place, waiting for me to get home. But I can't go back home. Not now. Not when I'm feeling so angry and vengeful. Perhaps Maya's company is what I need right now. Maya understands what our world is like. She knows the anguish we suffer in our business.

"Let's go," I say, gesturing to the lot where my car is parked. It doesn't take us long to get to a nearby watering hole where most Confradia assassin's hang out. The place is owned by a former assassin who retired thirty years ago when he was no longer able to function at the capacity the Confradia needs. It's sort of a sanctuary for our people. Maya takes a seat on the stool next to me and bangs a fist lightly on the scarred bar top. "Hey, Mack." She greets the man behind the bar. "We'll have a few shots of your best bourbon." The man, Mack, nods his head in greeting and places a few filled shot glasses in front of us. I don't wait before I take the glass and swallow it down. I sigh as the sweet burn of the drink penetrates the cold that has settled inside of me.

For the next few hours, we drink and ruminate. But none of it manages to stave off my anger. I guess it doesn't help that I'm already feeling off-kilter because of Sophia. Maya must notice my preoccupation because she slams her sixth drink down and faces me with a serious face. "So, what else is going on with you, Savage?" I shrug my shoulders feigning ignorance. "I don't know what you're talking about, Maya." She scoffs at my remark and narrows her eyes, showing me that she's not fooled. "That innocent look might work on someone else, but it doesn't work on me. You and I have been friends for too long. You know you can trust me. So what gives?"

Taking another drink, I lick my lips and consider how to proceed. Of course, what she says is true. Maya and I have known each other for years and had each other's backs. Perhaps talking to someone is what I need. "It's…my stepsister, Sophia. She's staying with me during her Spring Break." Maya's eyebrows go up in question as she searches for a reason. "So? Is she having parties and bringing boys home or something?" I shake my head and release a deep sigh. "No, it's not that. It's…she's twenty-two and very beautiful, and I feel things when I'm with her." Maya's eyes widen in shock as she carefully replies. "You want her?" I nod my head with misery clearly written in my eyes. "Yes, I've always wanted her. Which I know is wrong." Giving me a speculative look, she shrugs her shoulders and asks, "Why?" I scoff at her question and wave my hand incredulously. "Why do you think, Maya? She's my stepsister for fuck's sake!"

Maya chuckles at my choice of words and raises another glass to her lips. "Just how long have you had feelings for her?" I run my finger over the rim of my glass contemplatively and bite my lip before I answer. "Nearly five years." A gasp escapes Maya's lips as she tilts her head to the side and does the math. "Wait! We were…" I shake my head and interrupt her train of thought. "No, it was after you." At first, she gives me a measuring look, then shrugs. "Whatever! Anyway, do you think you're in love with her?" Her words make my heart stop. I've been running away from my feelings for Sophia for so long that I never considered the severity of my emotions for her. "I…I don't know." She snickers in bemusement and looks me straight in the eyes. "Are you telling me that you've had a thing for this woman for five years, and you still don't know how you feel?" I shake my head and tighten my lips. "I guess I don't want to think about it because it's a doomed situation."

Maya's eyes dim slightly as she places her hand on my forearm and asks, "Does she know how you feel?" My jaw tightens as I remember the day Sophia told me that she was in love with me and my reaction to her confession. "No, she doesn't, but…" I stop and swallow deeply, remembering the crushed look Sophia gave me when I broke her heart. "But?" Maya slurs out. "But, I know that she's in love with me. Or at least she was." Maya's face freezes, and her mouth gapes open in shock. "Are you kidding me right now? What happened?"

The words roll out of my tongue easily after that. "It wasn't one of my most shining moments. We were on a trip celebrating our parent's wedding. And I was really messed up after finding out that Willem had just betrayed the Confradia─ and me. One night, I was out walking on the beach, trying to decide what Willem's next step would be when she told me. I didn't know what to do. Our parents were married, and I had Willem gunning for me. I'm sure that I was and still am, at the top of his shit list. Especially after I helped Gideon try to take him down. Willem has never been one to forgive and forget. And he loves making people whom he feels have wronged him pay. Not only was I worried about my family, but I was worried about what he'd do if he found out about my feelings for Sophia. It was a losing situation, and I knew it. So I did the only thing I could do. I told her that I could never love her, and I walked away."

Maya clucks her tongue with a clumsy chuckle. "Wow, you really do know how to fuck things up, don't you?" I nod my head in agreement. "Yeah, I do. But what else was I supposed to do, Maya? What am I supposed to do now?" She shakes her head and stares straight ahead in contemplation. "Would your parents object to you and her having a relationship? I mean, now that Willem is gone." I shrug my shoulders feeling sluggish after consuming so many drinks. "That's the thing though, the Confradia is not confident that Willem is gone. For all we know, he could be in hiding. As for my parents… Well, I don't know. I mean, I never thought about it. Even if they did, I'm not sure I'd be able to risk it."

"Why not?" She asks, confused. I slam my drink down and wipe my mouth with the back of my hand. "What if it doesn't work out? What if it's about the forbidden? Or just a passing affection?" Maya shakes her head. "You mean, a passing affection that has lasted five years? Don't you think that's a bit excessive? Five years is a pretty big chunk of time to hold onto a crush."

My teeth grind at the honesty of her words. Because she's right. There's no way that what I feel is fleeting. However, I don't think I'm ready to admit it. "I don't know Maya," I mutter firmly. Maya quirks a brow but doesn't call me on my crap. I guess she's letting me live with my delusions. Breathing a deep sigh, I rub my hand down my unshaven jaw and wave at the bartender. "Look, I don't want to talk about this anymore. Can we please just change the subject?" At first, it looks like she's going to argue, but then she sees the look of finality on my face because she nods.

I don't know how long we stay at the bar. At some point, a few other associates show up to drown their sorrows with us. It's about two in the morning when Maya invites me back to her place. She's not very surprised when I decline her offer. Instead, she walks over the bartender and has him call me a cab. I haven't slept with Maya since before I met Sophia, and I definitely don't plan on doing it again. It would be way too messy. Plus, I lost the taste for one-night stands a few years ago. I don't even remember the last time I had sex.

My senses are a little sharper when I get home. That's one thing about my alcohol tolerance, I recover very quickly. Right now, all I feel is a buzz. I spot Sophia's sleeping form as soon as I turn on the living room lights. Guilt suffuses me when I notice that's she's slumped uncomfortably on the seat, her forearm under her chin, her legs folded under her, and her eyes closed. I'm sure she was waiting for me to arrive so that we could have dinner together. And now I feel like crap for not letting her know where I was.

Taking a few quiet steps, I stand before her and look down at her peaceful face. Without a word, I run my thumb down her soft cheek and caress a few loose strands of her silken hair. She is so beautiful and sweet, and I want her with everything inside me. It's a sweet torment that I have to live with.

Leaning forward, I slide my hands under her neck and knees and lift her into my arms. She doesn't even stir. She's definitely a heavy sleeper. I guess it's what people who have never seen the dark side of the world do. Unfortunately, people like me sleep with one eye open because we never know who's going to come after us.

Carrying her down the hallway, I stop in front of the guest room, but my legs refuse to move any further. Looking down at Sophia, I take a deep breath and inhale her sweet scent. I don't think about what I'm going to do when I turn to my door and lay her on my bed. I don't know if it's the alcohol, but I'm too tired to fight this. All I want to do is hold her, if only for a moment. Sophia whimpers softly and curls her body over the mattress. I look down to see that she's still wearing her dress, and reach into my dresser for a plain t-shirt. As quickly as I can, I remove her dress and cover her with the shirt. Looking down at my own covered body, I unbutton my shirt, leaving my sleeveless undershirt and jeans on, slip off my shoes, and slide in behind her. Her body feels incredible beneath mine. I inhale her sweet scent as I pull her close to my chest and spoon her body to mine with a sigh. Sophia mewls in her sleep when I kiss her head, close my eyes, and follow her into the deep abyss of sleep. It's the best sleep I've ever had.