Dinner was ‘better’ than I thought

On my way to the dinning hall, I heavily sighed feeling the full power of exhaustion finally to reach me. The previous events were similar to multiple flying swords who directed themselves at the back of my head prepared to thrust in at any moment, so it could always remind me to carefully choose my choices otherwise it would become deathly for me. Some located nearer than the others, thus I already sensed the tip of these weapons behind my head. The closest ones didn't hit me, but it wasn't far away from doing so. Every thoughtless move caused blood to begin flowing out from my already fragil body and soul. Just from walking through this corridor, the very presence of people around me hiding themselves and observing my every step to find a fault, a careless opening, made me nauseous. To be constantly on guard on your own would surely lead me to craziness, losing my remaining sanity and common sense. I have to get out of here as fast as I could was my driving thought.

" Just stay optimistic, Rosie! After that you won't see this b*stard ever again.", I convinced myself trying to find something positive in this whole thing named hell… oh, I meant the archduke's mansion. I closed my eyes, slowly breathed in and out and opened them again later on.

When I just reached the entrance, two servants on both side responsible for each large wooden door soon noticed me and then proceed to let me in. As I watched these butlers doing their work, I thought to myself, '…Plus I didn't have to see these people too.'. The phrase "Eyes say more than thousand words." precisely fit our situation just moments ago, because before they opened the doors they took one glance at me and theirs faces told me: 'What an insect ! Annoying !' As if I was a bug which you couldn't get rid off for the longest time.

After that they immediately hid their expressions. How they could reflect their feelings in such pictorial way was something even I had to admire.

'Yep… totally hated.', I concluded after my "inspection", that happened from this afternoon till evening. It wasn't like I didn't notice it before, however the extent of their hate was rather shocking for me.

I wasn't sensitive enough about my surrounding, as I didn't think much into this which precisely led me to my destruction. "Past mistakes will make me stronger" was the saying or something similar, so from now I had to observe my environment in a more accurate way.

The error in my last procedure was that I was only careful around aristocrats, but underestimated the high voices of the crowd, mainly the commoners. These people maintained the order of this kingdom, because they were the one providing our food, paying most taxes and took the largest part of the whole hierarchy. After living as one in South Korea I recognised the importance of them. Their opinions were the hidden political leverage and the overall influence in the society, even in a monarchy. The best example would be the French Revolution from 1789 to 1799.

'Paying attention to these people would be the key for saving me one day, even if I didn't like to have more burden loaded on my shoulders.', I sadly admitted, while just blankly watching the servants at that moment. As soon as they completely opened the doors, they awaited for me to go in. When I wanted to go past them, all of the sudden I stood still midway just right next to the butlers who in return looked at me surprised. The men wanted to know the cause for my agitation, thus they tried to pry into my face, but soon became startled and regretted that move.

The reason was my current expression. My eyes were squinted and wrinkles became visible between my eyebrows because of my increasing irritation, as I remembered my past actions, 'I really wasted many years to please these sons of the b*tch for only ending rather tragically.' From the corner of my eyes I could see the servants only exchanging glances with each other, worry showing on their faces. Not knowing what to do in this awkward situation, theirs eyes shifted down not daring to look up to me anymore afterwards. Nervousness filled them.

Naturally, this wasn't missed out by me, so I concluded,' They must be afraid of possible confrontation with my sudden "mood swings".' Just seeing their reaction, I could already guess the cause for it, 'It seemed they remembered the recent events from this afternoon or at least heard of them.'.

This led me to think, that it was also one of the moments where I should have used my authority as the archduchess in the past, this way preventing them from developing such attitude towards me. Therefore I came to one conclusion, 'Seriously, I should had done it from the beginning. Reminding them didn't help at all. I really had to threaten them at this rate as they would had finally listened to me as their superior.' I took note for trying to become more badass in the future, should I encounter with something similar ever again.

Ending my thought process, I turned my heels and wanted to head on to my destination. Before I continued walking, I glared at one servant on my right side. After reminiscing about my time living with these kind of people in this mansion, I confirmed my new-found goal, 'I won't forgive them. One day they will regret treating me like this.'

My stare sent shudder going down his spine. Satisfied with his reaction, I proudly held my head high and saw my ex-husband on the other end of the table. The male lead held many papers in his hand not even looking up to me, after I announced my arrival. " What a man !", I sarcastically thought to myself. It seemed I didn't have to worry that he saw what I had done before.

It was a large room coloured in wine red with beautiful flower decoration in every corner and detailed golden ornaments drawn on the upper part of the walls. To my right were three long and broad windows with curtains tied together on each side. They all stood in a row filling one whole wall. Through the large glasses you could see an almost panorama view of the fascinating rose garden which still shone even in the evening. Outside red, orange, yellow and purple colours painted the sky as well as the blossoms of these flowers, so it would change each original colour scheme slightly. The setting sun in the west filled the room with its light and gave some glow to every object, inside and outside of this room. On the left side wonderful medieval paintings covered its wall. The details on each picture provided the viewer the insight of his artists, but their intentions hidden from the human's eye. Regals and cabinets placed everywhere, except for the right side, so they took away the emptiness in this large room, filling the holes. When looking up, a large ceiling came into vision. It would always remind us the amazing hand and mind of the painter expressing their dreams and feelings in their creation up there, which in return left me always impressed by their endless passion.

In the middle, one big golden chandelier was hung, breaking the connection of each detail on his large painting. Under this stood a wooden table with one chair on both ends. Many delicious dishes were placed on it, making someone surely drool over them.

When I found my seat which was right in front of me as soon as I entered, I sat on it and just watched the archduke doing his paperwork across from me. The doors behind me were closed, giving both of us privacy. I frustratedly cursed in my mind, 'Come on, I know you don't like me, but do you have to bring the paper with you. Do it in your office ! Do you think I would like to eat with you ? I had to get my sh*t together to come down too.'

Afterwards I became bored from watching him, so I just looked down on my dish.

What I saw was a white porcelain bowl filled with cream soup and next to it many different types of flatwares lay on both sides in a row. 'Ah… I forgot these d*mn etiquettes.', I sighed seeing this complex structure of how to eat in front of me,' I already see myself sitting for at least one hour trying to cut fish.'

Noticing my fatigue, he finally turned his head to me and left his papers aside.

" So you finally came. Took you long, lady Ainsworth.", he straightforwardly said to me. At that moment I felt an imaginary vein popping out on my forehead, that was how annoyed I was by him.

" I apologise, archduke. I had to relieve my stress just now, so it took longer than expected.", I fake smiled, indicating who's fault it was, that made me exhausted in the first place. He noticed my underlying meaning, so he became a bit irritated.

The way we called each other made it clearly obvious how our relationship was to begin with. Never did I call him by his forename, whereas I never once hear my forename from his mouth, only the formal one. The reason was that I wasn't allowed to call him intimately, since he always addressed me as " Lady Ainsworth" from the beginning of our engagement to the end of our marriage. If I was the only one who did this, what would the people and Cedric think afterwards, right ? ….

Come to think of it, ….was Luciana allowed to call you "Cedric"? Did she achieve it in just a few mouths? Did you also call her Luciana?

That reminded of the time, when they happily talked with each other, while Luciana encircled her hand around the archduke's arm as he escorted her. I knew it was formal and an act of a gentleman, but soon I recalled our walks through the garden since long ago. That time you didn't look at me whenever I talked to you. You would either stare to the flowers or to the sky. Was it so displeasing to converse with me that you didn't even look into my eyes? These kind of questions filled my brain many times ago, every time I saw them outside my window or just coincidentally encountered them. Whenever this happened, they became silent. Just this awkwardness practically told me that I was unwanted in their happy moment. My days were filled with sadness accompanied with self-doubt and hopelessness. By thinking about them, I recovered my anew determination of finding my own happiness now, away from the source of my death and suffering.

I just took a spoon and started to dig into my soup, ignoring his slightly bewildered look on his face when I began to eat. As he was angry that I didn't wait for him, he asked me irritated, " Shouldn't you wait for me until you could proceed to eat ?"

While I was still sunken in my thoughts, Cedric suddenly wanted to point out my behaviour.

For my reaction to his question I stopped what I did, then placed my elbow next to the bowl, my hand held my left cheek, the weight of my head leaned to this side supporting myself this way and just looked at him openly showing my boredom through my blank eyes. I really tried hard not to roll my eyes too.

" But didn't you want to continue your paperwork, so in consideration for you I will eat by myself for the time being.", stating my "good will". Every time we ate together, I always had to wait for him until he finished his work which he actually should do it in his office. What was the office for, you know? Until then the food would be cold by now.

From looking at my face he knew that he should just give up, not wanting to strain his nerves any more than before. He didn't continue with his papers and also began to join me. '…Oh, we finally had something in common it seems.', as I was surprised to see this outcome from him.

So we silently ate until the end. When our meals were finished, I asked for permission to leave the dinner hall. After I did it, I proceed to stand up. Just as I bent my body forward over the table and pushed my chair back, the archduke suddenly stopped my action. I was annoyed by this and showed it openly through my face, ' Are you kidding me? I don't want to stay with you for even one minute.'

He ignored my irritation and began to speak, "I have something to say, so please sit down, lady Ainsworth." Now my annoyance reached a higher level. Because of the recent events I was mentally and physically exhausted, so I didn't care the formality and just wanted get straight to business. Therefore I just followed the request of Cedric and sat to my previous position.

He also noticed my fatigue, thus he also went fast to the topic,

" Because of divorce I'm afraid the bond between our families will be worsen."

" You also noticed it ?", I asked sarcastically.

He just twitched his eyebrows seemingly irritated with my attitude, however he folded his arms over the table, heavily sighed and just continued with his speech afterwards, not minding my sarcasm, " I know this, which is why I want us to still maintain a professional interaction, as this would prevent for causing further anxiousness in the population and in addition to that, the bond shouldn't be destroyed because of our actions."

Once I heard his intention, I knew what he meant in general.

The big two families, the royal family and Ainsworth family, symbolised the wisdom and strength of our kingdom, which many countries looked up and respected for.

So the beginning of a broken relationship between us would indicate a bad effect on the strong bond of these households, one acting as rulers and having the strongest magic power while the other one protecting and supporting the royal family and the kingdom. Some would see it as the first crack in their trust between them.

Therefore this could rise the anxiousness and fear of the residents, the commoners and the aristocrats.

For criminals was it a good opportunity to take action and for enemies from different kingdoms was it an opening to convert us, the sword and shield, to their side.

Bad news spread very fast, so you always had to be careful.

Through the relationship between Cedric and me would worsen after the divorce, it was only a bit. Not sharing mutual feelings, one should understand to not force someone into this, so divorce was acceptable and tolerable in some way, this included our and other kingdoms too. Thus nobody would find it strange for a previous couple to go separate ways.

That's why this wasn't the reason what Cedric was afraid of.

The intimate meetings between Cedric and Luciana and me being a black witch/ b*tch were the issue here.

What would happen, if one party suddenly found a lover and openly showed his affection in public, while being still married ?

What would happen, if one party mistreated commoners and his people, showing irresponsibility as a married member of the royal family ?

Great target for accusation and slander from all direction. Therefore the royal family protected us from them until now and suppressed the opposite voices of the people in the kingdom.

How did they do it ? The royals had the power to erase their memories about me and the other issue once they left the capital. The range only reached to the border of royal capital. People living in this city for a long period would remember the nasty rumours again after they came back from their journey, so these measurements explicitly meant for the travellers from afar. This way no bad words could leave this place easily. It was proved when I didn't hear any nasty rumours and badmouthing about me outside the capital before my marriage, even though they already knew my name.

Although Cedric told me this, I knew that this wouldn't change the relationship between longterm friends very much. If this was enough, then it would break their bond that lasted for more than 500 years by now. Could it be vanished like a flame of a candle going out by just breathing? No.

Regarding the novel the royal family did executed my family, but it was only because of the unified choir of voices around all over the empire who strongly agreed to these death punishments which was strongly supported by the evidences of Cedric.

After knowing this I somehow distrusted the royal family now, but it didn't change the fact that they were the only ones who indeed protected and helped me with the rumours. I was clearly thankful for them. So it had to rethink about them.

There were too many things I had to find out. Why was it the royal family who helped me, but not my own family even through they should know by now that I suffered ? Why didn't they erase the memories of all people in the capital too?

My change in attitude and now anxious feeling showed itself on my face. Seeing this, Cedric understood that I already knew what he meant, so he further explained,

"…So you already guess it. I hoped you could somehow convince your family, that I didn't mean anything bad ?"

I raised an eyebrow to this, crossed my arms and leaned on my chair. I soon added," You know our divorce wouldn't be much of a deal, if it hadn't cause these many problems."

As if he felt slapped on his face, he wanted to retort, but was stopped by me as I continued,

" About me being the witch and the relationship of you and lady Bareforth. If we had been careful, it wouldn't have become that harsh in the first place."

I sighed, looked down on my now finished dish and leaned more to my chair. The archduke just observed the expression of mine.

Soon he averted his gaze to his right and said," As an archduke I should have been careful since my action didn't only affect me, but also you, our families and kingdom. I should also had to act better as your husband before. In both positions I lacked in many ways. So… what I …meant…was…I'm sorry. "

I looked at him shocked, trying to figure out his hidden intention through his averted gaze. My eyes widened when I noticed his slightly redden ears. 'He is somehow cute…', was my thought. I could tell that what he said was sincere and honest.

In that moment of seriousness I somehow couldn't hold back the urge…,

" I'm surprised that you would apologise to me. The archduke Evergarden actually could do something like this, heh ?" … to make fun of him a bit. Upon hearing my statement he turned his head to me and wanted to glare, however he became startled by what he saw. His mouth became slightly agape and for a short moment he held his breath.

I looked straight at him with sadden eyes. I smiled slightly and said my sincerely thanks," Thank you for this. Thank you for being with me that long, even though you didn't like me much. I'm sorry that I wasn't the best wife for you.". I never imagined I would have the very first decent conversation with him some day, so I pointed this fact out to him afterwards. Then I continued with my speech,

" Also as far as I know until now you was an awesome archduke, and are an amazing archduke even now. I saw with my own eyes how hard you worked to give justice to the title you have gained. So you shouldn't be worried." I could see some shaken in his eyes. I knew that he struggled with this many times, as the people still compared him with his father.

It seemed that he wanted to say something, yet he got cut off by none other than me,

"…You only had to work very hard how to understand human emotions and how to properly investigate. That's what I like to suggest you."

I totally broke our emotional moment, but it was funny to criticise him for the first time. Even his reaction afterwards was amusing, as he looked at me with staggered face. In the end I gave him toothy grin, but a rather forced one. I just wanted him to remember me as someone cheerful, before we would depart.

As for his reaction he became more bewildered and his eyes widened when seeing me for the first time like this. 'This way you saw a part of my real me at the very least', I thought to myself. Even though he was a b*stard, I regained the reason why I loved him in the past after this conversation.

I tried to save my tears for later time, so I excused myself again after we told everything what we needed to. I left the male lead behind in the dinner hall and just entered my chamber. Once I reached my bed, I fell forward receiving the soft and warm sensation on my face. Salt water fell from my eyes, being now uncontrollable for me to hold in and flowing down to my sheets.

After this conversation I knew why I began to fall in love with him in the past. His consideration and appreciated respect towards even the people he hated the most was the starting point of my hopeless love. Perhaps I actually did love him on my own free will ? … was what I wasn't sure of.

But this should end now.

It was my final goodbye to my husband,… to my goal to someday be on equal grounds with him and…to my longtime dream of being together happily.

"Goodbye, my first love !", I sobbed between my tears while my eyes were half closed.

The dinner was better than I expected.

Tomorrow would be my departure.