Firecracker (Part 2)

I remember clearly, I warned my heart not to fall in love with you.

I told myself over and over again that I wouldn't. That I couldn't. But what my mind wanted and what my heart craved were never the same thing. So here I am, tangled in the feelings I tried so hard to avoid.

It wasn't your kindness that did it.

It wasn't your laughter, or the joy you brought into my life when you smiled.

It wasn't the warmth in your eyes when you looked at me.

It was everything.

Everything about you made it impossible for me to resist. And maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't have resisted if not for the one thing I hated about you, the only thing I truly couldn't bear.

You were too intimate with other girls.

Too familiar. Too comfortable. Too close.

I thought I would get used to it. I told myself that I could learn to accept it, that maybe love meant letting you be the way you were. But no matter how much I tried, I just couldn't.

I begged you once, I didn't beg you to stop, or to change, but to at least spare me from witnessing it. Don't do it in front of me, I had said. I can't bear to see it.

I thought you understood.

But luck was never on my side.

Every single time you did it, I was there. Every single time, I ended up seeing it. No matter how much I tried to look away, to ignore it, I couldn't escape it. And every single time, it hurt.

So I smiled.

I smiled because that's what I do. I hid the pain behind a mask so well that no one, not even you noticed. No one saw how I swallowed my hurt, how I forced myself to laugh, how I made sure my eyes never lingered too long on you when you touched someone else.

But inside, I was breaking.

Do you know what's funny? My ex called me once after hearing I was dating someone new. He didn't call to beg me to come back or to tell me I had made a mistake. He didn't even call to warn me about you.

He just told me one thing.

"Stop hiding behind your smile."

He told me that keeping everything to myself, pretending that nothing hurt, pretending that I could handle everything alone, would only end up destroying me. He said I needed to stop making it seem like I was fine when I wasn't, that I needed to stop swallowing my pain just because I was too used to keeping things to myself.

But what does he know?

He doesn't know that my smile is my armor.

That if I let go of it, I don't know what will be left of me.

I smile too much. I know that. I smile when I'm in pain, when I'm scared, when I'm sick. And because I smile too much, when I do finally tell someone that something is wrong, that I'm hurting, that I need them, no one ever believes me.

Not my friends.

Not my family.

Not even you.

So what's the point?

I'll just keep smiling. I'll keep pretending. I'll keep hiding behind this mask because it seems like, no matter what I do, you'll never truly see me.

You'll never understand that while I try so hard to know you, you don't know anything about me.

So I'll keep trying. I'll keep pretending. I'll keep standing by your side.

But if one day, the pain becomes too much…

If I reach the point where I can't take it anymore…

If I can't stop you from being intimate with other girls, if I can't stop the ache in my chest from twisting into something unbearable…

Then I'll leave.

Because I'm scared.

Not scared of you. Not scared of losing you.

I'm scared of getting hurt by someone I love this much.

And my only defense, the only thing I know how to do to protect myself is to leave before that happens.

So if that day ever comes…

Know that I walked away not because I didn't love you, but because I loved you too much to let you break me completely.