Bring the Pain

Morning came all too soon for us. I held onto last night for as long as I could. Eventually, our group sat around one of the tables for the remainder of the night, telling old happy stories like we've known each other for decades. I finally shared the story of me drunkenly crawling into Daryl's bed at the CDC, the small secret Glenn had held onto for me out of sheer mortification at the time. I had been sitting comfortably on Daryl's lap while people threw their heads back in fits of laughter.

Now, it felt as if last night had never happened. We all stood around Rick's dining room table while Andy, a Hilltop member that had been on each supply drop to the Saviours, drew us out a map.

"Describe it," Rick ordered.

"Rectangular building, big satellites on it," Andy obeyed, as he sketched the layout of the outside.

"Any windows?"

"I don't remember any. I think they made it so there's only one way in," he explained.

"Guards outside?" Rick asked.

"Yeah, two of them, at least."

"And you don't know how many people they have?" Michonne asked.

"No. Uh, I mean, no. I saw a place where they stored food. It wasn't that big, so…"

"You've been inside?" Rick perked up at that information.

"Yeah. They had us load in supplies one time."

Glenn now placed a fresh piece of paper in front of Andy, "Hmm. What do you remember?" He began drawing out hallways. One straight ahead as you entered the building before it veered off to both the left and right.

"And you didn't see any other rooms?" Maggie questioned him.

"No, it's a big place. This is the hallway I saw," he pointed down at the first hallway into the building. So, they didn't take him any farther in than the front entrance "There is more."

"And every time, they had you bring things into here?" I now asked, pointing down to one of the rooms he had drawn.

He looked up at me quickly before saying, "We brought a couple of spears for them. Two of the Saviours brought them down this hallway." He drew a line down the right hall. "Now, they must have done something with them because they didn't come back with them."

"Maybe a weapons locker, an armory," Jesus suggested.

"We get in there, secure the amory, that's how we end it," Glenn said.

"That's how Carol ended it here," Maggie stated, recalling the attack from the Wolves.

"But we don't know if they have an armory or where it even is," Andy shook his head, looking up at Rick across from him.

"Well, we've got a lot of good guesses," Daryl shrugged, "We've done more with less."

Rick nodded, agreeing, "We go in at night while they're sleeping."

"The guards won't be sleeping," Andy shot that down, "As I said, I think there's only one way in and there's no way to bust through that door without waking up the rest of them."

"We don't need to. They're gonna open it for us, let us walk right in. They want Gregory's head, right?" Rick questioned, causing Andy to look up again, his eyes wide. "We're gonna give it to them."

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We peeled off every quarter-mile in groups, in search of walkers that resemble Gregory in the slightest. That was the plan. To bring the Saviours a walker head that could pass as Gergory's, the admission fee to get in those front doors as well as retrieve Craig.

I followed behind Glenn and Heath, walking off into the bush about half a mile down from where we had parked our cars. It shouldn't take long for the walkers to emerge as we blared the car horns a couple of times when we arrived to draw them out. The three of us reached a small opening in the woods, grass as high as my chest covering the field as three walkers staggered through the weeds. Glenn cocked his head to the right to eye the two of us, a subtle nod to tell us to go for it.

I kept my stance low, yanking my knife from my belt as we picked up our pace and approached the walkers as they spotted us. The walker that I went for looked and smelt like it had been this way for a while. Its skin clung to its bones like it had melted into them, allowing me to easily count each rib in its chest. From the elbows down, its arms had been cut off, while three deep slashes separated its torso. This man had been tortured before he had died and come back to life. I harshly shoved my hand against its chest, shoving the walker backwards before plummeting my knife into the base of its jaw. The walkers nearly fell simultaneously as we attacked.

"What do you guys think?" Heath asked as we all studied the walker Glenn had taken down, that one looking most like Gregory from what I could remember.

Glenn knelt down, taking a closer look at it, "Maybe. If we, um, cut the hair… trim the beard." Heath sucked in his teeth, looking away. Something clearly bothered him. "If it's dark," Glenn added, standing up straight again.

"We're gonna kill those people. Tonight," Heath finally said like he couldn't keep his thoughts bottled up any longer. I darted my eyes away, looking at the woods surrounding us, not wanting to have this conversation. "Look, I've been lucky. I haven't had to do it before," Heath confessed. "Have you?" he asked Glenn. I continued to avert my gaze, sucking in my bottom lip as I played with the handle of my knife. Until a couple of months ago I knew that Glenn had never killed anyone before, but during that time we had been separated I had no idea if that had changed.

"I've been lucky, too," Glenn answered. I had to stop myself from clenching down on my bottom lip, nearly drawing blood. How I envied them. Everyone had their fair share of nightmares, but they were not haunted by the same ones I have been. I didn't want to be a part of this conversation.

"What about you?" Heath now asked me, forcing me to bring my attention back to them.

I stayed silent for a moment, darting my eyes down to my fidgeting hand and then back up to Glenn. Glenn's brows softened like he was apologizing. He knows I've killed people, he was there for that first time in the bar when I shot those men, but I don't think he really knows how many. I knew right then and there when looking at him that he'd back up whatever answer I'd decide to give Heath. "I haven't been so lucky," I answered.

By my tone, Heath didn't pry any further, but he did ask, "Do you still get nervous?" I shifted my weight uncomfortably, I didn't know how to answer that. Killing a person isn't something you get nervous about, it is something that you dread and the thought of it twists your stomach until the very last second where you don't know if you're going to puke, pass out, or crawl into a ball and not move for days on end. I stuttered on my words before Glenn cut me off, answering what he thought. I shot him a grateful look before he spoke.

"Have you ever seen something that, um… afterwards, you-- you didn't want to sleep and you weren't hungry because when you close your eyes you could see it? And when you try to eat--"

"Yeah," Heath cut Glenn off, not wanting to hear anymore.

"Me too," Glenn said before his eyes shifted towards me. He took a long pause as Heath contemplated that feeling. The foodless days, the sleepless nights, the hollow feeling in your chest. Glenn's eyes didn't break from mine as he said, "Killing somebody has got to be worse than that." Another apologetic looked flashed across his face, understanding. "So, yeah…" Glenn brought his attention back toward Heath, "I'm nervous. For the whole thing, man."

Heath looked at me one last time, furrowing his brows like he was sorry for the question he was about to ask. Not knowing if I'd even be able to answer it, but he still needed to try. "How do you deal with the fear?"

I bit down on my bottom lip again, thinking it over in my head. It felt like I was back in Aaron's house, staring at the two men as they waited for me to say something to put them at ease before we took on that herd. "Most people let fear shut them down, but I think fear wakes me up. It's the aftermath of it that you should be afraid of."

After that conversation, our walk back to the group was completely silent as we carried the walker head in tow. Glenn tossed the head down on the ground, wanting to get it out of his hands. We were the last of the group to arrive that would be going tonight. As soon as we joined the circle, Rick began speaking.

"We're gonna take a look around, try to get a feel for how many people are in there. We like how it looks, we go in. A couple of hours before dawn. The guards outside will be tired. Everyone inside will be sleeping. We don't like what we see, we head back, and make a new plan. They don't know who we are. We'll keep Jesus in the shadows. This is how we eat. We roll out at midnight."

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My heart pounded in my chest, my fingertips going numb as they pressed against the cold hard metal of the machine gun. The sky was pitch black as a group of us stood around the side of the Saviour's base, not a single star in the sheet of black that blanketed us. Daryl, Lincoln, Rosita, Glenn, Heath, and I stayed glued to the bushes, keeping ourselves hidden as we waited for Andy's car to approach. Another group sat still on the other side of the building, while the remaining waited hidden in the treeline across the road.

Three red spotlights all flashed on at once, as soon as Andy's car hit the driveway. I adjusted the gun stapped around my body as I pulled it closer to my chest, nervously. This was it, no going back now. I watched closely from around the corner as the car came to a halt upon being spotted by the lights.

"Stop right there!" A man yelled from the front of the building. "Announce yourself, asshole!"

"It's Andy from Hilltop!" Andy shouted back, shutting off the engine of the car. "It's done!"

"Step out!" Another man ordered.

Andy got out of the car, his hands raised in surrender as his right clutched tight to the bag that contained the walker head we had chosen.

"Is that it?"

"Yeah!" Andy answered, I could hear his voice shake from here.

"Bring it here, shit brain!" the man called out.

The front door finally swung open, two guards stepping out with their guns raised as Andy approached them. The men lowered their guns and Andy held out the bag for them, waiting for their trophy to be collected.

"I don't want the bag, needle dick," the shorter of the two spat. Andy halted for a moment before reaching into the bag, grabbing the walker by its hairline and holding it out in the open for the two to see.

"Would you look at this shit?" the bearded man laughed.

The other guard threw his gun over his shoulder, stepping towards Andy to take a closer inspection of the head. It seemed as if we all held our breaths as he studied the walker's face, wondering if he'd figure out our trick.

"He broke my hand. I broke his nose. That's why he looks that way," Andy said first, clearly seeing the guard's hesitation. The man grabbed the walker's head from Andy, turning the face side to side as he studied it before slowly eyeing Andy.

"Little bitch broke my nose," the man finally said, his voice a nasally high-pitch imitation of Gregory as he used the head like a toy. He held it up beside his own, grabbing onto the walker's beard to open and close its mouth as he spoke. The shorter one laughed hysterically from behind. He then tossed the head to the side, thudding down on the grass as he wiped the blood from his hands using Andy's shirt. "Okay, looks like you learned. I'll get your guy, you'll go home, and you bring us more stuff next week, hmm?" he said as he slapped Andy on the cheek.

I watched as the man retreated back to the building to bring Craig out. I now felt Daryl's eyes on me, his head turned around as he stood in front of me. My eyes tore away from the front door as the man unlocked it again and swung it open.

"You good?" Daryl whispered as soon as I looked at him.

I knew that I wasn't ready for what we were about to do, but seeing those men talk to Andy the way that they did and play with the head they thought was Gregory's was enough for me to answer, "I'm good." I heard the front door close shut and Daryl took off, sneaking up behind the remaining guard. Daryl was silent as he stood behind him, grabbing his forehead from behind to knock it backward and slit his throat. As soon as the man dropped to the ground and Daryl shoved the killing blow through the top of his skull we all went running out from our hiding spots.

We quickly cleaned up the mess. Four of the guys picked up the dead body and carried him out of sight, most of us keeping watch as a few others picked up his gear. We were in and out within seconds before returning back to our places. Only a moment later the man returned from the front door, Craig being pushed out first as he held his hands tight behind his back. Craig's face had taken a beating during his time captive here.

"Well, well, well. Look who it is." His sentence had barely finished before he groaned, his chest being shot forward as Michonne's sword sliced through his back and ripped through his ribs. We were out of hiding again, Andy catching Craig and covering his mouth as he yelled out.

"We're bringing you back. We're bringing you back," Andy silenced him.

Rick knelt down plunging his knife into the second guard's skull and tossed his keys for the building to Daryl. Andy left with Craig and a few other people, getting him to safety while leaving the rest of us to finish the job. Daryl clicked the key into place as I stood with my gun raised beside Glenn. He whipped the door open, holding it back for us. Glenn and I were the first to enter.