Chapter 17

Now Cordia understood. That's why Jaris had come. He was finally going to join up with the army. Though she had known he was going, and though she only loved him as a friend, it was still a little difficult for her to bear. She let go of his arm, walking a little ahead of him at first. But he caught up to her and took her arm again. "Cordia, don't be cross," he said pulling her back toward him. "You knew I was going."

"Yes, yes, I did," she admitted, turning to face him. "But that doesn't mean I have to like it." She looked at him, straining to see his face in the dim moonlight. "I'm not mad, Jaris. I'm sad. I'm sad for all of us, sad that this war ever had to happen."

"I know, I know," he said, putting his arms around her. "Me, too. But I have to go. We're leaving this Saturday. All of us, riding out together. Only leaving about forty militia behind to guard the town."

She rested her head against his chest, something that, before, would have seemed too strange to her, but now, on the edge of this cliff, it seemed right and natural. At first, she wanted to ask why he couldn't just be one of those forty left behind, but there seemed no use in arguing. Obviously, his mind was made up. She was a little confused. "I thought you were in the infantry," she said, more as a question.

"I am. But there's no railroad that joins up with Jackson's men. Besides, as an officer, I will be allowed to keep my horse. We'll ride over—then there will be plenty of walking. Then, the enlisted men will likely donate their horses to the artillery. They need us pretty badly, we hear."

All so complicated, she thought. So complex. She was amazed that people could even keep track of where they were and what they were doing, let alone their enemies. She let the news sink in a bit more, and then turned to walk back toward her house. "Well, I guess I have no say, so, thank you for letting me know," she said a bit tartly. But Jaris was pulling her back toward him.

"There's one more thing," he said, still clutching her arm. Her hazel eyes looked up at him, questioningly. He continued. "Skeet Cooper and Samuel Wilkerson, well, their girls have consented to take their hands before they go. Rev. Jacobson has agreed to marry them Friday, before the big bonfire celebration they're a'plannin' to send us off." She stared at him in confusion, wondering what it was he was getting at exactly. Jaris let out a sigh, as if he'd hoped she'd figure it out on her own. "Cordia, is there any chance at all that you would change your mind? Be my wife, before I pull out of here on Saturday?"

The fog had lifted. Now she fully understood what had made him come to her house in the middle of the week. Once again, Cordia was put in a position in which she felt most uncomfortable. She knew how much it meant to Jaris to have her for his wife before he left. And if she were in love with him the way he was so completely in love with her, then she would have wanted nothing less. But, as she looked into those blue eyes, lightened by the moon above her, she knew that she did not love him, not like that. She could not marry him—not now, not ever.

But she couldn't come out and tell him that just before he left for war. So, instead, she shook her head "no" and began with her usual excuses for delaying the wedding.

He cut her off though, not wanting to hear again why they should not be planning their future together at such a time of turmoil. Shaking her head was all he needed. "All right, all right," he said, letting go of her and walking back toward the house.

"Jaris," she said, following behind him. "It's not… I don't mean to…" but she didn't have the words to say.

He spun around then to face her. "Cordia, don't you think I know that you don't love me the way that I love you?" Her eyes grew in astonishment. In fact, she had assumed he did think she loved him the same way. Why would he propose to her if he didn't? "Every day since I was fourteen I have dreamt of the day that you would take my hand as my wife. I know that you don't love me like that, that you don't spend your hours dreaming of me, or wishing we were together." She shook her head in bewilderment, amazed that he had ascertained this sentiment. "But Cordia Pike, I promise that, if you'll have me, I will make you the happiest woman in the world."

Cordia was awestruck; she didn't know what to say or to do. Now, he was on one knee, as if he was proposing all over again. What should she do? She couldn't bear to break his heart—she wouldn't dare to marry him when she did not love him. She did the only thing she could think of. She started to cry. And it wasn't that simple womanly pitter-patter cry, either. It was an all-out bawl, her body shaking with each sob. She sank to her knees beside him.

At first, Jaris seemed shocked as if he wasn't sure what in the world would cause her to do such a thing. Cordia began to blubber through her tears. "You leaving…." She could tell he was straining to make it out. "Don't know what I would do to be a widow, so young. Can't think of marrying now. Not now."

"Cordia, Cordia," he was stammering. "Please stop. I'm sorry. I am so sorry." He drew out his handkerchief, handed it to her, and rested her head on his shoulder. Within a few moments, she calmed down and simply seemed to vibrate occasionally, as a stymied sob tried to escape. Eventually, he began to talk again. "I didn't mean to upset you, love. It's all right. We can wait. We can wait."

That is what she had been waiting to hear. And she began to piece herself back together. He helped her up and walked her slowly toward her home. She did feel a bit ashamed of herself, having practically thrown a fit to get her way. But she had done it for the right reasons, or at least that is what she was telling herself. How she was going to get past marrying him when the war was over, she wasn't quite sure. But she did know that war changes everything. Perhaps she would not be the same person after the war. Perhaps she would want to marry him then. All she could be certain of was that she could not rightly marry him without loving him. And she did not love him that summer night as she made her way back to the solace of her home.