A Long Conversation

"Where's somewhere private we can talk?" He asked.

"We could try my dorm room. Sometimes my roommate is out and doesn't come back for a while."

"Okay. Well then, lead the way."

Remy took him to his room, where Allen was currently not in.

"Soooo..." Landon began, carrying out the "O" for way longer than necessary.

They sat across from each other on opposite beds, Remy just staring at his hands resting in his lap. After a long, awkward silence, he said, "I'm not really sure where to begin."

"Maybe... with what you were doing in those woods," Landon suggested softly.

"Oh. I was... following you. I know that sounds bad. Well, really, the whole thing's going to sound bad. But just let me explain, and maybe you won't think I'm a complete creep." Landon sat silently. "I heard you and Renee earlier that day. At the Summer's Start Festival. I... heard your plan. And then, keeping my distance, I followed you to figure out where you were going. And I know that's really weird and stalker-ish, but I had to see how it played out. Of course, when I actually saw what you did..." Landon visibly chilled at the memory. "I... I don't know. Like you said, I don't know the whole story, but I heard enough to think that... maybe that was the right thing to do."

Remy wasn't sure how he expected him to react. But he was very surprised when all Landon said was, "Okay." There was pain behind his eyes, as if he still felt like he made the wrong decision that night. Which is understandable; it's hard to feel like you did something good by ending someone's life.

Remy got up and sat beside Landon on Allen's bed, "I didn't really know how to feel at first. Or if I should say something to anyone. But I guess I decided not to. I'm sure you noticed your phone was missing. You dropped it when you ran into me, if you hadn't pieced that together. Then I... took it for some reason."

Landon looked up at that. "Wait. You had my phone? Do you know how much I stressed over that. I thought I left it at the crime scene, so I was stressed for so long, thinking the police would find it and link me to Mark's murder. I can't believe it was with you that whole time."

"Yep." Remy didn't know what else to say to that.

Landon ran a hand through his hair, "Wow. That is crazy. And then... like, what are the odds that we'd end up going to the same college? Talk about fate."

"Oh. About that. I kind of just figured out what school you were going to from your phone. And then applied here."

He looked at Remy like he was absolutely crazy, "That is absolutely crazy. Why would you do that?"

"I couldn't get what I'd seen out of my head. I guess I needed closure. Most people don't pay thousands of dollars for that, but I figured I might do something with my life while I'm at it."

"I didn't do the right thing, did I?" Landon suddenly whispered, as if he had only been half-listening. "The right thing should never end in murdering someone."

"No, you did what you thought needed to be done. From what I heard, Mark didn't seem like a good guy; there was almost no way to redeem someone like that. And what if he did the same thing he did to Renee to someone else. Where would be the justice in that? What you did was justice. He got away with something he shouldn't have, and you corrected that wrong. And if Renee's happier because of it, then it was worth it."

Landon laid his head on Remy's shoulder and whispered, "But she's not happy. The Renee I knew before was a lot happier than the one I see now. She still acts like everything's fine when she's around other people, but when we're alone, she breaks. She talks about ending it. A lot. She says she doesn't feel whole, like she can't be a real person anymore. And there's nothing I can do to help her. I can try hard to convince her that her life's worth living, but my words aren't enough. I can't fix her. I can't do anything, Remy." He was in full tears now, clinging to Remy. He held him tight.

He was quiet for a while. There was nothing Remy could have said to all that that would've been satisfying. All he could do was be there. It was strange to be hugging someone he had only fully met that afternoon, but to Remy, he felt like he had known Landon ever since that night. Though Landon hadn't known it at the time, Remy had shared an intimate moment with him. Having seen him do something so life-altering, he also shared the emotions that followed after it.

It was so long since anyone had said anything that Remy jumped when Landon said, "Do you remember when they first taught us about racism and slavery and segregation and all that?"

Remy was caught off guard by the seeming change in topic, "Um, I guess so. Vaguely."

"They always made it seem like it was so long ago. Like, hundreds of years ago. They didn't tell you that people were still racist." Remy just stared at him, waiting for him to continue. "And I didn't really even know that until what happened."

"What... uh, what exactly did he do to her?" Remy looks him in the eye. He's wanted to ask this from the beginning, but it didn't really seem appropriate. Besides, he was pretty sure he already knew the gist of what went down. But he had to know the whole truth.

Landon looks at him with a deep sorrow that is similar to the one he had worn that night. "Not right now, Remy. Please..."

"That's fine. But could you tell what happened after what he did?"

"A few days after what happened, she told the police. They went to court, but I guess there wasn't enough evidence, and the jury... didn't believe her. How could you think someone would lie about something like that? And there's no way to prove that it had anything to do with race, but... I just can't help but feel like things would have turned out differently if a white woman were in the same situation."

Remy could feel tears flooding into his eyes, clouding his vision. "Oh, Landon. I'm so sorry. That's not fair... That's so unfair. That's..." By now, he was just shaking his head in disbelief as his voice got cracked up and tears were falling uncontrollably fast.

Landon's voice became angry as he spoke. "I just... I mean, you hear stories of racist cops, but they always seemed so far away. I guess I just subconsciously told myself, 'No, that doesn't happen here. It couldn't. People around here don't judge others by what they look like.'" For a second, he takes on an uncharacteristically apathetic tone. "That was stupid. I mean, I'm white. Most of my neighbors are white, and if it wasn't for Renee, I probably wouldn't have any relationships with people of color. And I guess being so cut off from other cultures, I didn't know stuff like that still happened. I was just like, 'Oh, everything's good. Segregation is over, so there isn't anything else that needs fixing.' And Renee and I, we never really talked about how she was black and how that changed her experience regarding day-to-day interactions with other people. I just didn't think it was an issue in today's world, and she never brought it up... so I never knew..." he pauses for a moment. He looks guilty. "I never knew."

Silence washes over them like a wave, and no one says anything for a long time. It's such a long time that when Landon speaks again, Remy jumps.

"Are you really sure you want to know?" he asks.

"What?" he says dumbly, forgetting what he had asked of him so long ago.

"The story... What Mark did to Renee."

"Oh, right," he says, feeling stupid. "Yeah, I'm sure." He's surprised that Landon is willing to share this information with a guy he just met today, but it also seemed like he had wanted to get it off his chest for a while.

"Are you really?" Landon doesn't believe him, and his voice starts to shake as he tells him, "Because it really, really sucks to know what he did. If I could unknow it, I would gladly take that option."

"...I...yeah. I'm sure. I need to know."

The two boys have separated now, Remy going back to staring at his lap and Landon fixing his eyes on the floor, a deep frown resting on his face. He nods. "Okay, then." He's silent for a little while, and Remy's about to say something when he begins again. "What happened with that guy, the one I... well, you already know. His name was Mark. He and Renee were good friends. I personally wasn't friends with him, but he seemed like an alright guy.

"A few months before Renee and I started dating, he told her that he had feelings for her. And while she was touched, she didn't feel the same. And she let him know that. She told him that she valued their friendship, and she wasn't looking for anything more. At least, not from him.

"When Renee and I got together, he was pissed. He didn't understand the difference between the way Renee felt about us. He couldn't see how she could like me in that way but not him. And he felt betrayed. He started avoiding her. They used to sit together at lunch and hang out after school. But after he heard about our relationship, he skipped out on her. And Renee really liked the guy, so she was pretty torn up about it.

"She asked me about it, and I told her to give him some time. Surely they had a good enough bond where he wouldn't let something like this come between them. So she waited. And waited. But he never relented. A whole month had passed, and they didn't talk once. So finally, she confronted him herself. She asked him why he was being so stubborn and childish about the situation."

"Why are you avoiding me?"

"I'm not," Mark said nonchalantly.

Renee rolls her eyes, "Of course you are. I haven't seen you for a month."

His tone shifted, and he spoke like he was disinterested in the conversation, "Did you ever think that maybe I had just moved on?"

"What? But we were friends! You don't just move on from your friends." Her voice steadily grew louder and more forceful. "You're clearly just jealous! And you really need to get over it. Avoiding me doesn't prove that you've moved on. It just proves that you're too immature to face your problems."

Mark scoffed and sneered at her, "Whatever. You just think you're better than me, don't you? Is that why you wouldn't be with me? I wasn't good enough for you?"

"What? No, I--"

"So then what does your boyfriend have that I don't?"

Renee was completely exasperated now. "Nothing!" She yelled. "Okay? Sometimes people are just friends and that's all! But if you keep acting like this, then we won't even be that!"

"Break up with that guy and I'll stop acting like this!"

"No! Why can't I date Landon and be friends with you? Besides, even if we broke up, I wouldn't date you!"

And with that, Mark just walked away, saying nothing more.

"About a week later, he texted her. He said he was sorry for what he said and how he acted. He said he wanted to make up and be friends again. He said it was stupid for him to let someone come between them.

"That's what he said.

"So they made plans to talk things over and catch up. They were just gonna have a movie marathon over at his house.

"...And, fuck, I was so stupid. I should have stopped her. But she was just so happy and excited for things to get back to normal. And though I knew Mark to be slightly irrational from the few encounters we had had, I believed he was harmless.

"Remy... I... I thought he was harmless."

His voice started breaking, and his eyes were red. He was about to break into tears again, but tried to continue the story anyway, his voice deteriorating to a shaky mess. "So she went to his house. And things started normal. When she went to his place, they had pizza, they started watching a movie in the living room, and everything was good and normal again.

"But he ruined it. He just had to ruin it.

"He put his arm around her shoulders, and she silently pushed it away. But he did it again, so this time she told him off."

Trigger Warning: Sexual Assault (Note that it's not explicitly described, but the scenario where it happened is here. If you want to skip it, there's a break in the text that lets you know where you can start reading again)

"Hey." Renee spoke firmly, "Stop that."

"Why?"

"Because it's making me uncomfortable."

"I bet you let Landon do that," he complained pettily.

"Well, yeah. Because he's my boyfriend. And I'm sorry to have to bring it up to you, because I thought we were having a good time, but you are not my boyfriend."

"Yeah, well I could be."

Renee stands up and crosses her arms, glaring down at Mark, "No, you couldn't. You would need me to agree to that. And after this, I would never agree to that. I'm leaving."

As she turns to grab her things, Mark roughly grabs her arm and yanks her down to the couch. "No! You're not."

"Don't fucking touch me! What the fuck is your problem?"

She tried to free her arm from his grasp, but he only held on tighter. "I want you, Renee. And I know that deep down, there's a part of you that wants me too."

Renee quickly became nervous. Up until this point, she felt like she had control over the situation. But now, she realized how alone she was. She was alone. With Mark. And he wouldn't let her go.

Her rage turned into a desperate plea as she said, "Okay, seriously, Mark. This isn't funny. Please just let me go. I really want to leave."

But Mark wouldn't have any of it. "Just say you want me. And I'll let you go."

She felt like her throat was closing as a full panic set in. With tears in her eyes, she begged, "Please, Mark. Just let me go. I don't... I just..."

He wouldn't back down. "Just say it."

The tears were coming down her face as she shakily whispered, "I want you."

He just stared at her for a while.

"Please..."

He brought his face closer to hers as he tried to kiss her, but Renee readily had her free hand clenched, and unhesitatingly punched Mark in the jaw.

"After that, he still didn't let go. He grabbed her other arm and he... he forced himself on top of her. And you saw him. He's so much bigger than her. It wasn't fair. She didn't have a chance." Tears were rampantly flowing down his face at this point, and Remy's eyes glistened just listening to the awful story.

"And... and he fucking... he raped her. Remy, he... How could anyone do that to someone? And that's not even the worst part. Oh, god! That's not even the worst part, Remy!

(If you skipped, you can start reading again here)

"His fucking parents came home as he was... They fucking walked in on what their son was doing to her. They were pissed, of course. They yelled at Mark, screamed at him. Then they tried consoling Renee. Her cheeks were completely stained with tears. Those wide brown eyes were wild with rage, sorrow, and devastation. Mark's parents told her they were sorry for the awful thing their son did. They told her they 'don't condone that kind of behavior.' But then, you know what they said? They said that she couldn't tell anyone about what happened. Their son was going to go to college, and this would obviously ruin that. Renee looked at them completely bewildered and stunned; she couldn't believe that they were really telling her to let him get away with this. They gave her a few hundred dollars as they ushered her out of their house, as if that would in any way make up for even a quarter of what he did. She dazedly stumbled to her car, and with shaky legs, she climbed in. The first thing she did was call me. She just said that she needed me, and she sounded so upset. I assumed that something had gone wrong at Mark's, but I couldn't have known how truly awful it was. I raced over to find her sitting in her car, hands gripping the steering wheel, head down, and shoulders shaking. I had never seen her cry like that. It was so horrible. I opened her door and she clung to me, bawling as I held her. And we just stayed like that for probably half an hour. I had tears in my eyes; hearing that kind of cry is absolutely heartbreaking.

"When her crying subsided to sniffles, I finally asked her what happened. She just shook her head as the tears started falling faster. I led her into my car and drove her to my house, leaving her car behind. I didn't want her to be alone that night. She lives with both of her parents, but they don't communicate very well. So the best thing to do was to take her to my house. I live with my dad, my brother, and 2 sisters at my house, but we all have our own rooms, so there's a lot of privacy. I knew we'd be left alone. The first thing she did as we got to my room was take a shower. My heart tightened as I heard her cry, the shower not loud enough to drown out her sobs. Afterwards, she crawled into bed next to me. We just clung to each other the whole night, and though neither of us got much sleep, I think she felt safe there, hidden away in my room, under the covers, in my arms. And I am so glad she got to have that peace, even if it was short-lived. Because with what happened next, Renee wasn't okay for a long time after.

"And in a lot of ways, she still isn't."