Fall

It hurt when you left, you were the one who helped me. Did I not help you?

Around March I saw you, well what I thought was you. It hurt a lot but say, am I allowed to hurt? When I had first met you it was surreal. We were opposites even now I don't get how we got along. But before that, before what happened and before I met you.

I walked to school and every day I saw the same bridge. And I had the same thought, "what if I fell?" What would be the consequences of my selfish actions. Would it be shame to others? Myself? would there be no consequences but freedom? I didn't know. However, no matter how curious or desperate I got I never did it. I was scared. The uncertainty, the possibilities there were too many,there was no right answer to my question. I craved the freedom - or what I decided to call it - no matter what day it was. But as much as I craved, I wasn't hungry.

Going back home I saw the same bridge and the same thoughts reoccurred. They were never ending, at times I would stop by the railing and just watch. Create a scenario of the reactions and the aftermath, was that sick of me?

Watching the leaves fall and fly away, I thought how similar we both were. You wither away after being tied to something for so long. I wanted someone to know, I wanted someone to feel, I wanted someone to understand but how? I didn't know how to express myself. I wasn't good at anything even now. Painting, my hands were too unstable. Music, I couldn't do it. Writing, it didn't go as planed. Words, I could never speak my mind.

I wasn't living, I was existing. There was no purpose and no meaning. But there was also no excuses, was I supposed to tell someone " I can't do it because I'm not feeling it" ? There are other people in this world who have it worse than me, who experience trauma and are still fighting, who are strong. I admire those people, I would never be able to do what they do. I exist, but for what, what is my purpose in an empty and hallow world where I contribute nothing but a waste of space?

The birds chirped, the cars honked and the people waved.

I was existing, I was helpless with no purpose.

Did you wish that I followed you? Did you hope I would go wherever you went? I thought about it too. But I was too scared. No matter how much I suffer here, no matter how weak I am, I will not leave unless it is on my own terms. If I cease to exist I'm gonna do it because I decided to. How did we end up together when I did nothing but bring you down. I wanted to help but I didn't know how. I wanted to comfort you, but was never good at phrasing my emotions.

How?

Why?

I miss you I miss you so much it's my fault if I did better you would be here and your love would be reciprocated. I had failed you I'm sorry Im so sorry come back please youre all I have im sorry im so sorry.