Ch15. Natasha Romanoff

"Weeell, you shouldn't look for information about Tony Stark, Bruce Banner, and Steve Rogers in quick succession on the internet, sweetie." Tony snorted before smugly smirking in his usual conceited manner.

He was not about to tell her he had her, Clint, Fury, and several others watched.

Inwardly, however, Tony was quite baffled. He knew Natasha never liked his personality. He thought throwing it at her like this would have some effect on her but judging by her feelings, she just felt nostalgic fondness... which was all wrong! She should have been irritated! Tony was a master at irritating people he didn't like. He prided himself on it!

'Was even that aspect of her personality just another pretension?' He wondered, wanting nothing but to snort at such an absurd notion but for some reason, he couldn't. And that made him irritated. 'Great, now I irritated myself... I knew using empathy was a mistake.' He mentally grumbled. 'At least now I know I didn't lose my edge.'

"Internet? Really? I don't believe you." Natasha scowled and crossed her arms on her chest.

"And I don't really care." Tony casually shrugged which caused Natasha's scowl to turn into a frown and Tony almost winced at the feeling of hurt that oozed from her.

"Will you at least tell me how you are here? Did we win?" She asked with a small amount of desperation bleeding into her voice and for the first time since he met her, Tony felt a bit bad for being such an asshole to her. Then he remembered the past and his feelings were gone sooner than he could even register it. This woman betrayed him twice already and they have never really seen eye to eye. She was also one of his biggest critics on the team after Ultron.

Still, he decided it wouldn't hurt to be a bit nicer. Just a little bit. "We did win." Tony said and Natasha let herself release a relieved sigh. For some reason, she couldn't force herself to feel happy about it though. "There was a big final battle and I had to kill myself by using the stones but yeah, we won." Tony continued, his tone showing he wasn't fully alright with the result. "As for how I am here..." He quickly added lest she asked some uncomfortable questions or god forbid show him a pity for having to sacrifice himself. "After I snapped the world to peace, I was trapped in a weird orange realm for a long time before I woke up here."

Natasha's eyes suddenly lit up in recognition and Tony wondered what was going on. Her face showed more expressions and clues to her feelings in the past twenty minutes than in the whole four years they worked together as Avengers. At any other time, he would think she was just acting but the problem was, her feelings correlated to her expressions.

"Orange realm? You were trapped there too?" She asked with a bit of surprise and distress as she totally ignored Tony's earlier warnings and distractedly walked towards his desk, putting her hands on it and leaning closer to him with an intense stare.

"Romanoff..." Tony drawled, waking her from her reverie, "Personal space." He reminded her. "I will sue you to get a restraining order if I will have to." He verbally joked but his eyes showed a different story.

Natasha reluctantly nodded and stepped back again, her body language full of muted discomfort.

"If you want to sit, there is couch." Tony gestured towards the right side of the room where a black leather couch was located.

To give Natasha credit, there was just a small unwillingness showing through Tony's empathy before she turned around and walked towards it, elegantly sitting on its edge while her body language calmed and her face shifted into her usual straight facade.

"So... what now?" She asked. "Why did you call me here? It was surely not to simply brag you unveiled a spy in your company or to tell me you are in the same situation as me. I know you too well for that."

"Oh? You know me? I wasn't aware." Tony looked at her in mock surprise. "Do tell. I am all ears."

"Tony..." Natasha started uncertainly, "I know we were never very close. But... I am sorry." Her expression suddenly fell and Tony was shocked that she was actually sincere this time. He wasn't aware she could do that! "In the orange realm, I had a long time to think about my life... about the choices I have made... about everything. I... I am really sorry." Natasha said with her head hung low and her hands balled in fists.

Like Tony, she had a long time to think about things and that came with several life-changing realizations. She always led her life in the belief she was a monster. In belief, she was a soldier. That she was a tool to be used by others. She had no idea just how much the Red Room affected her behavior.

At first glance, Tony had nothing to be angry about. He was always an ass to the team. But Natasha never even tried to consider Tony's perspective as a businessman.

It was only in the orange realm where Natasha really started to consider his point of view. Only there did she manage to consider Bruce's point of view. And only then did she manage to think critically about Steve's point of view, the one she found solace in as a fellow soldier.

And what she saw didn't please her.

Steve's point of view was fundamentally flawed. He believed that he could prevent any and all threats with just himself and a small team of super-powered individuals. It was a nice belief and Natasha was too blind to see the obvious problems with it but in the end, it was this that led them to lose against Thanos.

They were simply lucky they were in Wakanda for the final battle otherwise... Natasha didn't want to think about the degree of destruction this 'otherwise' would have brought and how utterly outmatched they would have been.

When it came to Bruce, Natasha first felt heartbreak. She really did like the man. It was a pity there was no time for anything between them and then she betrayed him. Sort of...

As bad as it made her feel about herself, she didn't regret pushing Bruce to that hole to get Hulk out.

She regretted the way it ended. She regretted not being able to apologize for it. But...

Hulk was needed and if her brief romance was the price for his participation, then so be it. In the end, she realized she didn't really love him. She just clung to the idea of finding love like a foolish girl. Clung to the budding feelings that started between them. Unfortunately, these feelings never had enough time to bloom into something more meaningful.

So... she pushed him.

If she really loved him, she would have never been able to do that. Not for Hulk and not for the people of Sokovia. Because that's what she always imagined love being about despite never really feeling it. Willingness to sacrifice anything for the well-being of the one you love.

That... was what she really understood from her time after her death.

It was surprising how things came into perspective for her in the orange realm. This was a part that always bothered her and there... she just made peace with it. Realized and made peace with her feelings.

As she did with her past in the Red Room.

Natasha no longer hated herself for her past actions or thought of herself as just a weapon or tool. And while regret was still there... she had a long time to think about everything and come to terms with it.

And then came the point of view of Tony Stark and Natasha couldn't help but wince remembering that.

As a soldier, Natasha never bothered to think about how much her equipment costs or what kind of property damage she caused. If destroying a statue saved her life, she would destroy the statue. If ruining a painting could provide her with a few seconds of distraction for her pursuers, she would ruin the painting. No matter the expense.

On the team, Steve, Wilson, and her had this kind of worldview while Hulk generally cared little for what he smashed.

In the orange realm, Natasha however understood how much it cost Tony to keep everything going, to compensate others for the damages. She understood the headaches he had to go through when he had to calm various representatives of countries where the Avengers operated and caused mayhem in the process of stopping a villain. Such a thing usually meant Tony spending even more money to make the country grudgingly let the matter go.

Natasha also realized how it was affecting Tony mentally. It all started when he was forced to guide the nuke through the portal and barely survived it. In hindsight, he definitely got PTSD from that and Natasha only realized it in the orange realm, never really caring about Tony's wellbeing previously. Then Ultron came and the amount of blame the team shifted on Tony was unfair.

Nobody on the team really understood technology much and even Bruce, the closest thing to an 'expert' on technology in the team if Tony did not count, admitted he had no idea how Ultron came to be. They did not even have the beginning of a working A.I. and yet...

But Tony got the blame, the restrictions, the quiet discontent and mistrust of the team, and then there was Wanda who always looked at him with distaste in his own building. He must have been feeling like an outcast.

The team lived on his money. Their gear was paid for or made by him. Their blunders were covered with his purse. Wanda's room was designed and furnished for his money and all he got in exchange was blatant dislike and occasional rudeness and Tony took it in strides, only playfully grumbling about unruly teenagers.

Steve was no better, making Tony feel unwelcome in the team. Unlike Wanda, he didn't show it blatantly but he always questioned Stark whenever he had to give his opinion on something.

His, 'Are you sure?' and doubting look was enough when he asked it again and again. For all the bravery Steve had, he couldn't hide his emotions from his expression even if it killed him.

And then there was her. She was never on friendly terms with Tony. They were tolerating each other at best because she never even tried to befriend him. She made his assessment for Shield and since then, her opinion on him was set.

Stark even started joining them on missions less and less. He started doubting himself and doubting the work he did as an Avenger. Sadly, the team was not making it any easier on him. It was all in the small, seemingly unimportant details.

No... Natasha really couldn't blame Tony for acting like a prick. If she was losing billions every half-year because of the people she is feeding and housing, she would also probably blow her gasket. If the same people clearly looked at her in distaste, she would also probably not be completely fine.

And the civil war... Natasha was not about to go into that shitstorm. She did betray Stark even if it, later on, ended up being for the best.

Still, it made her feel very bad when she realized her betrayal basically showed Tony the only person in the team that had any regard for him was Rhodey. The man who ended crippled because of his scruffle with Steve.

Yeah, Tony Stark had many reasons to be cross with her and the rest of the team. Small ones, big ones, serious ones... there was enough of them.

Seeing Natasha's reaction and feeling her emotions, Tony decided to grudgingly admit that she really meant her apology. It didn't mean he would trust her or anything but she was right. He had a reason why he called her here.

"Well, fine, whatever. Let's talk shop."

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Author Note:

Yeaaah, this was maybe a bit forced but whatever :D.