Ch16. Regrets and doubts

"Okay, so... whatever little I know about Hocus Pocus mumbo-jumbo, I can deduce our appearance here was caused by the infinity stones. I am obvious as I killed myself using them but you..." Tony pointed a pen at Natasha, "There was probably a connection between your soul and the soul stone when you sacrificed yourself for it. I have no idea what happened there so don't ask me for details." He clicked his tongue, irritated he didn't have a better answer, "But you clearly hijacked the ride alongside with me. You did wake up here a month and a half ago, didn't you?"

Natasha intently listened to Tony's theory and nodded when she heard his question. "But how? Did you wish to go into the past when you snapped your fingers?"

"No... But I did think about my regrets in life so maybe that was the reason." Tony helplessly shrugged. "Also, this is not our past. This is an alternate dimension."

Natasha lifted her eyebrow at that but when Tony's expression remained serious even after a while, "You are not joking." She whispered in silent panic as the realization settled in. That... was a hard pill to swallow.

"No. What the heck were you even doing this past month, Romanoff? I'd imagine a super spy working for a super-secret intelligence agency would have more access to these kinds of information than little old me." Tony asked in an incredulous voice. He really expected Natasha to know about this already.

Natasha just snorted at him, "Unlike someone, I have a job I can't just set aside because I don't feel like working for the moment." She rolled her eyes and crossed her arms on her chest. "I was on a mission in Romania this past month with no access to the internet or any info from SHIELD. And when I finally returned, I was instantly reassigned to this mission."

"Huh, the life of a super spy sucks. Who would have thought." Tony snickered, causing Natasha to groan and let herself fall back onto the couch.

"Yeah, I never told anyone but I was a bit glad when SHIELD ceased to exist. I don't exactly enjoy this kind of lifestyle." She idly stated, putting a lot of trust in Tony. She would not dare to confess such a thing even to Clint and she trusted the man with her life on multiple occasions. "Not that I have a choice in the matter. Unlike Clint who is American and works for SHIELD of his own volition, I never had the best prospects for retirement. For me, retirement means a bullet to the head."

"You mean your employers would give that bullet to you or that only death means you are retired?" Tony teasingly asked, fully aware he was being an ass because they both knew what she meant by that.

Natasha just snorted and continued wordlessly lounging on Stark's luxurious leather couch, enjoying the feeling while staring off at the ceiling. She didn't have many moments when she could just enjoy the moment and this habit only started when she had nothing to do in the orange realm.

Understanding that he won't be getting an answer anytime soon, Tony decided to be blunt. "Nothing surprising there. That's what happens when you try to redeem yourself from being a killer for Russians by being a killer for Americans."

He instantly felt Natasha's emotions spike at that and she sprang up back into a sitting position as if she was poked by a hot iron, her head snapping in Tony's direction with a glare present on her face...

She could handle him being an asshole and shrug off most of his insults and snark but there were a few things that would piss her off. Making fun of her intention to become a better person? Now that set her off like nothing else.

But what she expected didn't happen.

Natasha expected to see Tony having a mocking smile but his expression was fully serious. He really meant what he said and that made Natasha freeze in her tracks.

Feeling her anger shift into ice-cold shock and seeing her looking at him with wide eyes full of disbelief and surprise as she took in his expression, Tony mirthlessly sighed, "What? You didn't really think that killing for Russians is bad but killing for Americans is good, did you? If that is the case, SHIELD is good at washing them, the brains, I mean."

"I don't need your pity." Natasha quietly huffed as she noticed the pity in Tony's eyes and fell back onto the couch, turning her back towards him in an immense show of trust and curling into a ball.

Silence spread through the room and soon enough Natasha could hear Tony typing something on his keyboard, leaving her to her own devices. She was grateful for that as she had enough problems with her own insecurities and stuff to think about at the moment. She couldn't handle Tony Stark on top of that.

Tony was working for half an hour, going through the security systems of his company and thinking about how to improve them when Natasha finally decided to speak again.

"I can't, Tony." Tony just furrowed his eyebrows at her but seeing as she didn't look in his direction and was still curled into a ball on his couch, he decided to give her a questioning hum in response. Natasha sighed before helplessly chuckling, "I can't start doubting that my work for SHIELD was for good. I just can't. You can't imagine the number of people I have killed in their service..." She trailed off as her voice cracked due to her emotions and Tony was glad he turned his empathy off before he started to work on the security systems.

Natasha took a deep breath to calm herself a bit before whispering, "I accepted being a killer in the orange realm, you know? It is who I am but..."

"I understand." Tony offhandedly interjected. "I had also something to accept about myself that I didn't want to acknowledge before. You can accept your identity but the consequences of it are a bit harder to accept."

"Mhm." Natasha rolled over and looked at Tony, still lying on the couch and from the looks of it, not intending to get up anytime soon.

"I have no idea if it will help you but... I had similar problems. You have killed many but the number of people that died because of my weapons far exceeds that. I am not trying to start an argument of which is worse. You killed with your own hands and I did by proxy." Tony paused slightly, noticing how tense Natasha was. But she was listening with rapt attention. She really envied him the nonchalance with which he could speak about the people killed by his weapons.

"It doesn't matter. When I accepted being a weapon manufacturer, I accepted that this profession has consequences." Tony dryly and bluntly said without any preamble, "Namely, the people killed by my weapons. It is an inseparable part of what I do, Red. That is the harsh reality. Trying to rationalize it is useless. That will only cause you doubts and regrets not unlike what is now plaguing you."

"That's why I said SHIELD is good at brainwashing." Tony wryly smiled at the woman, "They not only persuaded you that by working for them you are correcting the mistakes of your youth but made you dependant on this thought. They made you cling to that notion in a way that will still allow you to kill for them but unable to rebel because that would have been 'bad'. Did you ever think about it that way?"

Natasha didn't answer but Tony could her silently crying, her tears streaming onto his luxurious couch from her closed eyes and he could only think,

'Damn, that couch was expensive!'