it's crazy, how blind one can be toward their own existence

they found themselves lost in conversation, this time. completely sober and completely present in the moment. it was as if the two of them were children that had found something new and nothing but the thing in front of them had mattered.

harry revealed that he was pursuing music—he wanted to show his feelings to the world through lyrics and instrumentation. louis was currently studying english, though not yet sure what he would do with his degree. at the moment, every sign had pointed him toward law.

"you should just do what feels best. it's also never too late to change your mind." harry told him, downing the last of his tea, "i mean, whatever it is, i'm sure you'll absolutely kill."

"easy for you to say, curly. you've got all the youth, talent, and looks in the world. it's also just expensive as fuck to change majors. not everyone has that option."

he had never struggled with finances his entire life, despite the recent misfortunes his family had suffered. harry lived a relatively happy childhood, despite his father walking out when he was seven. his mother has always been enough for him. "well, i don't want to act like i know everything because i don't," he said carefully, "since i've never had to deal with that. but i know that if it's you, everything will go fine."

louis grinned fondly at this. what an awkward boy with an awkward way with words. but somehow they always managed to dig deep at his heart, slowly but surely peeling down the walls layer by layer—a laborious, cumbersome task, but after a while, progress could be seen. "perfect little one, aren't you?" the ocean boy chuckled. "no worries, no flaws, nothing. too good for me, you are."

harry's forehead wrinkled at this. he knew that it was in all good humor, but it somehow rubbed him the wrong way. "you know that's not true, right? i'm human, just like you are. there's no such thing as someone being 'too good' for someone else or any of that."

"i know, harold. it was just a saying. of course there are things that even the great harry styles could struggle with. but you're so amazing it's probably their fault for making you struggle in the first place."

"don't flatter me, lou. you're just as special."

louis' smile faltered for a split second at this, which made harry's heart prickle. he felt tv static coursing through him for a moment, even thinking for a moment that this beautiful boy doesn't see the good in himself. "oh, shut up, you hardly even know me."

"i hardly even know you and i already can see how great you are."

"you just don't know me well enough to see it all yet."

"well then i hope you'll bless me with the privilege of being proved wrong. doesn't happen often, you know." harry smirked. he lived for banter. he's always been a gentle person on the surface, but it always lit a flame in him to be able to argue good-naturedly.

both boys bursted out in laughter. louis wanted this moment to freeze in time, so he could grab it in the air and shove it down into a bottle to store as a keepsake. if sparks flew every time there was chemistry between two people, this café would have burnt down already, with how well harry and louis fit. sparks of golden light flying everywhere.

they spoke like this for what felt like a lifetime. people say that time passes quickly when you're having fun, but it's really only true to an extent. there exists these ethereal moments—calling them moments of enlightenment would hardly be a stretch—where it feels like the world stops for you. it stops and listens and it cares. and for harry and louis, the other was all that mattered during this time.

when they heard bells ringing from the church a second time during their conversation, both came to realize that they had been babbling about nothing in particular, yet everything in the world, for nearly two hours.

"remind me again, did you have work today? or classes?" louis drawled.

"no," harry said quickly, too quickly probably, as he hadn't wanted this day to end just yet, "i don't. i mean i was planning on going home and studying a bit, practicing a bit y'know? but no concrete plans, no." he emphasized at the end.

"ah. i see. well…" the ocean boy looked from the table to harry, head still down, making the older one feel like he was being constricted again, but in the best way possible. "what should we do from here?"

"i- um, if you want, we can go back to my place again? i can get some stuff done and we can relax together? like you can just watch a movie or something, get cozy or whatever?" harry paused embarrassedly. "if you want, that is. i don't want to make you feel obligated or anything. it's just- i, uh, i had a really good time, so, i mean, if- if you want-"

"relax, mate. i'd love to. and you're not making me feel obligated to do anything."

harry beamed, reminding louis again of a child that had gotten a new toy or treat. adorable. "okay, let's go then." harry slapped a bill on the table after looking at sharon, who had been oddly quiet the entire time, not knowing how to interrupt the two who were off in their own little world. she smiled knowingly and nodded. normally, harry would have an extended conversation with her before leaving, about school, family, work, or anything really, but today would have to be an exception.

both boys stood up quickly, harry jittery with excitement, ready to bring the ocean boy home. but momentarily, louis had forgotten the limitations of the state of his body and saw dark, black spots obscuring his vision and had to catch himself against the stool, which luckily was fixed into the ground.

okay, just close your eyes and count to five, and try again. harry probably didn't notice anything.

"lou?" the younger boy tilted his head, eyebrows furrowing with concern, giving him that expression louis hated knowing was his fault was there in the first place. "are you okay? do you need anything? what happened?"

"i'm fine, don't worry about it," louis responded, but he was still staggering, eyes still shut. "just stood up too fast, is all."

"have you had enough sleep? enough to eat and drink?"

the ocean boy knew that harry was only trying to care for him, but the pestering, for the third time already today had begun to ruffle him. "i'm fine, i said. stay in your lane, haz. please."

when harry had flinched at this, louis immediately regretted his words and slapped himself internally for coming across so harshly. "oh… sorry." the younger boy curled within himself. "just wanted to make sure you were okay, is all."

"yeah. i know. sorry, i didn't mean to snap at you like that. that's on me."

"n-no problem. let's get going, yeah?"

so they made their way toward harry's car again, air seeming to carry a different weight than before. one that was thick with dissent. the older of the two shivered as a gust of wind chilled the town, causing crows to shake their feathers and small animals to burrow deeper in their homes. autumn was quickly morphing into winter, a season that was gray and dark and stiff—one that louis disliked with everything he had. it caused him to move more slowly, on the roads and in his mind, days bleeding into each other, merging into a single unending hell.

the warmth of the car struck the two boys, as if they were sinking in deep water before, the two were finally able to take a true breath.

"harry?" louis tried.

"yes, sunshine?"

"are you mad?" louis continued feebly. "you know, because-"

"no, loubear. i'm not mad. i wouldn't get mad over that. just taken aback, is all. but it's not a big deal." more than anything, the feeling that was bubbling in harry's chest and nearly boiling over was concern, not anger. the more he watched the other boy, the more reason he had to believe that louis was most certainly not okay. and it scared him when he realized that he had not the slightest hint as to what he should do. he didn't want to press too far and get pushed out, only to never be trusted again.

"okay. i just wanted to make sure. i didn't want to ruin anything."

"oh, lou, you couldn't ruin this if you tried. relax, i'm here." harry said as he started the engine and began to back out of the parking lot. "besides, i wouldn't be able to stay mad at you, even if you gave me a reason to. not with your stupid little face."

louis only smiled smugly at this, wanting with everything in him to believe the green-eyed boy's words. wanting to trust. and in the moment, he felt that it really was okay. that he was okay.

so with everything, he kept holding on to this, afraid to lose any more than he had. after all, if he was going to suffer loss, he might as well enjoy it while he can. that's what he told himself.