when i saw you behind my eyelids, i knew

by the time niall had decided to swing by, harry and louis had already been chatting for a couple of hours; and harry was about ready to prepare dinner for them both, when he received a text from niall.

niall: heyyy i'm like 5 mins from your place xx cya (sent at 18:09)

harry was in the kitchen, dressing the meat he had set out to defrost in the morning when the doorbell rang. louis was still sat on the couch reading, but now fidgety and clearly uncomfortable.

"lou? can you get that for me? my hands are still soaked with chicken juice. you'll get to meet niall as well. but don't listen to him if he says anything stupid!" he added, laughing dryly.

"o-okay!" louis responded, standing up, this time careful to close his eyes and count to eight for good measure before allowing his body to carry his entire weight completely. just in case. the smell of chicken and pasta sauce had started wafting through the apartment and it made louis feel sick yet somehow ravenous to simply coexist with the scent. while he was reading, he could hardly concentrate, with the aroma coursing through the room and wrapping its unyielding fingers around his neck. so he was grateful to be able to air out the room, air out his head, air out his anxiety.

when he opened the door, a blond man with a stupid smile on his face stood before the ocean boy. louis could tell immediately that this guy, niall, as harry had called him, was the type of person to calm whoever came within a 30-meter radius of him. the type of person louis wishes he was, really. the type of person louis knows he'll never be.

"oh," niall said breathily, having ran up three flights of stairs, and louis noticed he had an irish accent. "you must be louis! the man, the myth, the legend!"

"hi…" louis had never been good with talking to new people. "harry's in the kitchen right now, but uh, why don't you come in?"

"harry's in the kitchen, huh? looks like i'm in for a treat tonight! i don't know if you've ever had harry's cooking, but the lad could be the next gordan ramsey, i'm tellin' ya!" he said heartily. louis, though accustomed to zayn's comfortable silence and thoughtful conversations, needed this every once in a while. sure, he was never a frequent party-goer or one to bask in the center of attention, but rowdiness was one of his traits back in high school, before things got really hard.

"i heard that, niall!" a voice called from the kitchen as the oven dinged, signaling that the lasagna was finished. "i don't remember inviting you over to have dinner with us." harry was much more playful yet rough around his friends, which louis found to be especially charming.

"well, h! you never specified that it was a date, you told me nothing was going on so i figured it would be okay! besides," niall teased, "you can't just make whatever the hell you're making smell so nice if you knew i was going to drop by, and not expect me to want to stay for dinner."

"i know, i know,��� harry rolled his eyes, but with a grin plastered on his face, "how long do you think i've known you, ni? of course i expected you to squeeze your ass in here for some nice lasagna."

"woo! i scored a big fish tonight!" the irish boy exclaimed. louis only watched the two banter from the sidelines for a couple of minutes, but he didn't mind. not if it meant he got to watch harry laugh and act like an idiot.

"now set the table for me, we're making louis wait. everyone's starving. i'll portion out your guys' food."

louis swallowed nervously with the mention of food, despite knowing that this was bound to happen at some point. he had originally planned to have made up an excuse to leave before dinnertime, but time just flew so fast whilst he was with harry, he lost himself. it's something he hates about existing—how fleeting time is.

it's always been a rule of his to never spend so much time with a single person in a day where'd he have to eat two meals with them. it was simply too risky. but here he was, breaking that rule. berating himself, he stuck his hands in his pockets to ball them up and dig his nails in his palms. the pain from the pressure was hot and piercing and grounded him. it's okay. just one more meal. don't make a fool of yourself.

harry glances over at louis concernedly, knowing that there were thoughts racing through the ocean boy's head uncontrollably. he wanted to rip those malicious thoughts out and hold the boy until things were okay again, but harry knew he couldn't. not before he proves to the boy that he is safe to trust. that he would never hurt him.

the table was set, and the three of them were ready to dig into their meal. niall was excitedly shoveling food in his mouth, as if he hadn't eaten in days. harry, who had been hungrier than he thought despite having eaten some ingredients secretly while preparing the food.

louis, however, was cutting the lasagna up into pieces and pushing it around on his plate carefully. he would bring forkfuls to his mouth, only to chime into the conversation and set it back down. there were times where louis would be oddly quiet—staring at his food both longingly yet disgustedly—and moments which he would be the center of the conversation, making stupid jokes and laughing his ass off.

but harry could tell it was all staged, a diversion to take other's attentions off his eating. to harry, who had been observing him the entire time, could tell it was carefully rehearsed, as he would not let any lasagna actually enter his body. it was different from the salad from this afternoon, which he had allowed himself over three-fourths of. but with something as dense as lasagna, louis wouldn't even consider putting any amount in his mouth.

it hurt harry to watch; the boy who deserved the world, the boy who was more beautiful than anything, the boy with a diamond heart and a diamond mind—wouldn't allow himself something as simple as food, as sustenance. something that everything needed in order to survive: fuel.

he could tell louis felt harry's gaze on him, as he occasionally glanced over and furrowed his eyebrows. harry tried to be discreet and look away, but the awkwardness was already there. niall just continued eating his food happily, without a care in the world, as louis wanted nothing more than to disappear.

harry was torn on whether he should say something or keep his mouth shut. he knew, in front of niall, it'd be the worst thing to do to someone. but watching the ocean boy treat himself as if he were nothing was simply so suffocating. harry saw it all. he saw his slight tremor, his hard swallows, the fake smiles that didn't quite reach his eyes. his eyes, the ones that harry loved so much looking so terribly lonely. he hated that. but for now, there was nothing he could do right now, at least. so when mealtime ended and he watched as louis feigned fullness, he had to blink back tears.

"man, i didn't know you were such a chef, harry! the lasagna was delightful. perfect husband material, huh? can cook, can play guitar, can sing… what else would anyone look for?" louis exclaimed with that fake happy voice of his, "i am so full from tonight, sorry i couldn't finish."

normally, the compliment would make harry flush red all the way up to his ears, but this time he simply couldn't focus on that while he watched the skinny boy inexorably rake his entire plate of untouched food into the trash. he didn't care about the food being wasted; that's not what was important now. he just wanted to figure out why louis was doing this to himself. when he was so beautiful.

niall noticed the worry laced in harry's features, and whisked the boy to the side. "oh, i just need to talk to haz for a second, louis, don't mind us. it's just about school stuff." louis nodded and placed himself breezily on the couch, returning to the book. when niall made sure he and harry were out of earshot, he continued. "what's wrong? you seem awfully stiff today, harold. is it just about louis, or is there something else going on? i'm here for you, liam and i both, you know."

it was about louis, harry thought, but not in the way niall imagined. and he wanted to spill out all of his concerns to the irish boy. knowing it was wrong though, as louis was only on the other side of the room, he bit his tongue and gave niall a tight-lipped smile. "oh, you worry too much. just nervous, with louis staying over, and i'm a bit worried about an exam coming up, is all. not a biggie."

"okay, as long as you mean it," niall sighed dejectedly. he wasn't as dim as some would assume; he knew that there was something else going on. but harry seemed so firm about his answer that he decided he'd simply trust the curly-haired boy to come to himself and liam about it when he was ready.

they ended the conversation there, returning back to where louis was. harry began acting more cautious, not wanting to raise suspicion with niall, but to no avail. all three of them had sensed the swelling tightness in the air.

niall only excused himself from the place, hugging harry heartily as he went. "nice seeing you again today, hazza! and it was wonderful to finally meet you, louis. let's all hang out sometime, the three of us with liam."

"yeah, definitely!" harry was grateful for the blond boy's energy, despite everything. "have a good night."

the door closed, and again, it was only louis and harry remaining.