what becomes of the tin man when he wishes to disappear?

harry knew that it was foolish of him to think that he could simply wish his problems away. nothing in this world works that way. miracles don't exist, and god doesn't hear anybody's prayers—if he did, he didn't listen. and that, the green-eyed boy thought, would be much worse than being ignorant.

it'd be hypocritical, though, to be frustrated at god for ignoring those suffering, harry figured. he was doing the same thing to louis' agony, in essence. looking away, hoping that everything would be okay when he opened his eyes again.

it wasn't that he didn't care. he did; he cared about the boy more than anything, or anyone else. but to accept that he was truly wasting away felt eerily like admitting defeat. that harry wasn't able to help him alone. that he wasn't enough to convince louis of how loved he was. how special he was.

so when he set up plans for the two to spend time with zayn for an afternoon at the park, he decided to throw everything else out the window and have fun without reproach. and it started out quite smoothly; the three of them had agreed to meet at noon and grab lunch at a food truck. they'd chosen that saturday for that purpose—an array of taco trucks, sandwich trucks, ice cream trucks, and even crepe stands would line up on the perimeter of the park; an event that happened every final saturday of each month.

louis and harry were the first to arrive, around ten minutes earlier than their noon meetup time. it was a habit that louis had picked up from growing up with all sisters who were perpetually late. everything was done under the assumption that something would happen and put him behind schedule. it had actually improved harry's lifestyle as well, with all the time they were spending together. he complained constantly about the fact that he would be woken up far before he'd actually need to in order to be on time for class or work, but the routine did end up sticking with him, even on mornings he didn't spend at louis' flat. the idea that bits of louis were making their way into harry's everyday life made him irrationally happy, slapping a stupid-looking grin on his face whenever the subject showed itself in his mind. it made him feel closer to the ocean boy, after all.

seeing zayn again made harry struck by his beauty once more, his eyelashes and olive skin and golden demeanor. but it was nothing compared to the reaction it'd gotten from louis. when he looked over at the ocean boy, it felt like falling in love for the first time again. his eyes had softened, corners being pulled down by sweetness and nostalgia, fighting a smile that harry wished would show itself without hesitation. he realized, in that moment, he'd never seen one of louis' immodest smiles—they were always quick to be covered by a hand, or fought back, as if being happy were something to be punished for. his heart prickled with uncertainty for the boy.

he was quickly taken out of deep thought, though, by zayn's milky voice. "hey lads! louis! i haven't seen you in forever. how've you been? and harry, nice to see you again, i thought you were fit but if louis' your man then i can't exactly complain, can i? a handsome man for another handsome man."

"oh shut up, malik!" chimed louis, "you aren't exactly any less flashy than harry over here. although… he is quite special, huh?"

"you two are whipped. it makes me feel all fuzzy inside just to watch. but also a little mad," zayn laughed. "let's get going, shall we? i'm starving."

harry felt louis falter beside him, but force a laugh anyway. "yeah, let's go."

harry settled on a traditional taco stand, getting a tray of three, while zayn chose a banh mi from a vietnamese stand. when louis said he wasn't very hungry and settled on just lemonade, harry and zayn shared a look that told the curly-haired boy that they both knew what was going on. but neither said anything about louis' choice in lunch, wanting to avoid conflict after having just met.

"so, tommo, it's been a while. what's been going on? you stopped responding to my texts," zayn said casually, "like i understand. not upset with you or anything, just worried. glad you're getting on well more than anything."

"oh, i… i guess things just started moving faster and i never got around to it. and i figured you'd be busy as well, anyway. like, i didn't want to increase your burden, you know?"

harry and zayn looked at each other and furrowed their eyebrows in one breath. "i'm never too busy for you, lou. and… you're not a burden."

louis blushed. "that's—that's not what i meant. but thanks. i appreciate it. i do miss your company, after all."

zayn mellowed. "i'm always here."

the three of them spoke for a little longer, harry and zayn laughing and bonding over embarrassing stories of the blue-eyed boy. before they'd met, harry was always skeptical of zayn, who had left louis hanging all this time, not doing anything about his pain. getting to know him now, though, proved to be fruitful, though. he was a lovely person who had his own life, but cared about louis fiercely, just as he did.

it was when louis got up shakily to use the restroom that they'd lowered their voices. "is he really okay?" zayn questioned, "i know he's had a hard time. just all his life, you know. there were some things that happened before that he never got over. and he's not the best at reaching out for help when he needs it."

"what?" harry breathed, "what happened? i mean, i knew there was something, but he never told me."

"don't take it personally. he never told me, either. i only know because i knew him around the time it'd happened."

"what was it?" the younger was reeling in curiosity, though he knew that it wasn't his place to find out without louis' approval. "actually, you don't have to tell me. if he hasn't told me yet, there must be a reason."

"yeah, was goin' to say. it'll take a while. but if it's you, harry, i'm sure he will. i know i don't know you very well yet, but i can feel it." zayn smiled reassuringly. "no offense, though, he looks like death. a literal walking corpse. what's been going on? i know… he's had problems with like, food, and stuff for forever, but it's never gotten this bad. have you been doing anything about it?"

"i've been trying, mate. he doesn't want to go see anyone about it. doesn't even think he has a problem. i'm kinda tied up about it, too. what do you think?"

"well, you have to do something! i don't care if it's against his will, but this is getting out of hand, harry. you've got to understand."

harry felt anger bubbling inside him at the accusation. "where have you been, zayn? you knew him all this time, and you knew about his problems, didn't do anything, and now you're lecturing me for not taking proper care of him?"

the dark-haired boy flinched. "i… i- i'm sorry. that's not how i meant to come across. i know it's hard. things have been picking up for me as well. i know i should have been paying more attention to him."

harry sighed, sobering up after how strained zayn's words sounded. "no, i'm sorry. i didn't mean to get mad. he's not your responsibility. and you're right, i should be doing something. if here hearing this right now, he'd probably say that he's no one's responsibility, and he can take care of himself. but it absolutely breaks me as well to see how he's killing himself. i just don't know what to do. i want to take him to see, you know, a professional, but he won't listen to anything i say."

"he doesn't exactly have the best experience with that kind of thing. it's a rough spot for you to be put in."

"but i love him."

zayn smiled gently. "i know. i do too, so if you ever need anything, let me know. he cares about you immensely as well; i could see it right away. you two are honestly sickening with how in love you guys are."

"he rejected me," harry said sadly, "we're nothing more than friends."

"don't tell me you believed him."

"i mean, what else can i do? he told me he didn't need me. and i understand. louis' going through a lot right now. not in the best place to worry about anyone else."

"he loves you, harry." zayn pressed, "are you going to give up?"

"i don't think i could if i tried," he laughed dryly. "don't worry. i don't plan on leaving anytime soon."

"just take care of yourself, too, H."

when the conversation had died down, it hit the two boys, how long louis' spent in the bathroom. they looked at each other again, wide-eyed, not having to exchange a word to come to an understanding. "i'll go check on him," harry said quickly, feeling something very wrong creeping up on the back of his mind. he prayed that he was wrong.

"i'm coming with."

he wasn't quite sure of god's existence, but if god did end up turning out to be real, he'd like to try to see eye to eye with him someday. whether it was in a dream or after death. to be the creator of everything, to be the father of all; he must have some sort of compassion for each living being, no? so why were the unfortunate forced through so much pain they didn't deserve? or maybe they did, all along, as karma for something they had done in a past life?

or maybe, harry considered, god had so many children he saw individuals as disposable. it would make sense, really, because in the end, no single person is important when there are so many more that are the same, if not better.

so when he found the ocean boy he was so in love with crumpled on the floor of the rancid public restroom of the park, he wondered why god was so cruel to the best, most beautiful people. and above all, why louis' motionless body somehow looked so peaceful in a fucked up way.

the first thing harry did was rush to a toilet as the tacos he'd eaten earlier saw their way right out of the place they'd entered.