the moon woke me and left this heavy feeling in my chest

the next thirty-six hours were excruciating. zayn, despite not having seen the boy in so long before that day, broke into tears at the sight of louis' emaciated body. harry had already cried so much that no more tears could come. he was walking in a world underwater, where no one's words were clear or pronounced, and bubbles that didn't disappear filled his ears.

he'd hoped that this was a sick dream that would end soon.

but it didn't. zayn ended up going home for the night as harry fought with tooth and bone to stay by louis' side, eventually getting permission from the doctor, despite not being family. he argued that he was the closest thing to family that louis had who wasn't still in doncaster.

zayn had called louis' mother after receiving news on his wellbeing, but she was still ill and had no way to make it down to london. dan—her husband and louis' stepfather—needed to stay and take care of the girls. so for now, louis had only harry and zayn.

the curly-headed boy wanted to be awake when louis regained consciousness, so he tried to get as little sleep as possible, sitting by his side with a book. he'd taken the week off work to be with louis, and decided that he would skip classes for as long as he had to. the person he loved was more important, after all.

he had finished a pale view of hills after just one night of staying beside the ocean boy. it was nostalgic, a novel about a mother who was grieving the death of her daughter going back and revisiting all these memories and revealing them to be more unsettling than what one would have expected. he didn't quite understand as much about japanese culture as he would have liked, but travelling obviously remains a work in progress for as long as he remains a student. one day, though, harry imagined, he would take louis to japan and they would go see new places and eat new foods. they would go in april, when the cherry blossoms were in full bloom, and go on romantic walks during sunset and harry would pick pale pink petals out of louis' hair and it would be perfect.

the thought brought harry into a spiral of fantasies and dreams of where he would take louis after he gets better. they'd kiss at the top of the eiffel tower, where harry would propose, and they could eat wonderful French cuisine and talk about stars while drinking the finest champagne. they'd rent bikes and ride around rome, seeing all of what they'd read about in books and remake the call me by your name wrestling-in-the-grass scene. they'd visit new york, and see broadway plays and go window shopping, and harry would buy anything louis laid his eyes on. they'd love it there so much that they would buy their own little place so that they could go anytime they had the chance; a place with an indoor jacuzzi where they'd cuddle in warm, bubbly water and make silly faces and remind each other that this was all they needed.

harry opened his eyes and was reminded of the cruel reality that he was trapped in. louis was not smiling or holding his hand; louis was not giving him warm kisses and hot sex; louis was not talking wistfully about some philosophical ideal—louis was comatose in a hospital bed with what seemed like hundreds of machines looked up to him with the drone of a heart monitor in the background.

he was a dreamer.

and dreams are only that—dreams. they may never become anything past that, forever remaining stupid made-up fairy tales only fools hope would transpire. and harry didn't want to be a fool.

a day had passed and louis still had not came to. the doctors insisted that this was normal, and that the older boy would wake up anytime between now and tomorrow, but harry was sick of waiting. the longer louis was still in bed made it more real that this was not just a normal sleep—he was so sick that he had a seizure. harry only imagined what it was like seconds after louis had collapsed on the bathroom floor, seizing and convulsing in a way that made his body writhe as if it were no longer human, but a lab rat that had been injected with a drug in some sick experiment, only to slowly become motionless until there was no life left in it.

he was sat there by louis' side, tightly gripping his hand for over 24 hours until he'd finally fallen asleep. he'd fought it for so long but his eyelids felt as if they were made of pure lead and he ended up face planting into the side of louis' bed.

harry woke up to the sound of a heart monitor racing, and the twisting of louis' body. the fog of drowsiness had left him as soon as he realized that louis, too, was awake.

"babe, you've got to stop moving," he whispered, panicked, as louis twisted and turned, looking panicked as he tugged at the feeding tube in his nose, and the beeping of the heart monitor seemed so loud and fast that harry's own anxiety was starting to take over. "fuck! where's the fucking call button?"

before he could find it, nurses scrambled into the room, slipping an oxygen mask on louis' gaunt face, calming him down, the heart monitor gradually returning back to its slow tempo.

"i-is he okay?" harry said with quiet intensity, "what's wrong?"

"he's okay, just woke up in a different environment and experienced some anxiety. something very normal," she reassured him. "i'll call a doctor in now that he is conscious to assess the situation."

harry nodded, mouth hanging open, as she left. he looked at the boy, who still seemed disoriented from it all. "how are you feeling?" he attempted, "i'm here. i've missed you."

he noticed the ocean boy open his mouth, searching for an answer, but nothing came out. his throat was too sore and scratchy from the feeding tube as well as lack of use, so he just shook his head and squeezed harry's hand. they were left in awkward silence for a few seconds, so harry decided to continue.

"you really scared me, love. but it's okay. we're going to get you help, okay? it's going to get better. and i'll be by your side through it all. i promise. we'll get through this, button. i love you." harry swallowed, "so never do that to me again." his eyes were beginning to fill with tears, but shit, he can't cry now, not in front of louis, not when he had to be strong for things to seem okay. but he couldn't help it, it was as if a dam had been opened, and everything was flowing out.

louis frowned, wishing he could speak, so many questions begging to be answered, and the person he cared so much about sobbing at his bedside.

their emotional exchange was interrupted by the entrance of a doctor, this time a different one than the first one, thankfully. one that wasn't gray or harsh or stern-looking, rather, this one seemed much warmer; it was a woman in her fifties with long blonde hair with hints of dulling from age and experience. she slipped the oxygen mask back off of his face and took a seat beside louis, across from harry.

"hello, boys. i see you have woken, louis. my name is dr. mathers, and i'm just going to ask you a few questions. i know it's hard to speak right now so you can just nod or shake your head." she smiled warmly, understanding the situation. "firstly, do you have an idea of why you might be here today?"

louis looked away, pursing his lips, but nodded slightly nonetheless.

"great. that's a start. now, have you spoken with a therapist, or considered it?" the ocean boy shook his head. "okay, would you consider it?" louis shook his head again, and both harry and dr. matthers knit their brows. "okay, well, we're going to have you speak with a psychologist in a couple of days regardless due to the severity of your eating disorder. we can discuss treatment when you are a little bit more physically stable, but you're going to have to stay here for a little while longer."

"how much longer?" harry urged, "how much longer until he can go home?"

"that's a hard question. mr. styles. even after he's physically stable, it's highly recommended that he go to a residential care center for at least a couple of months to achieve weight restoration as well as full recovery on the mental side of things." she replied bluntly, "i understand that you both want things back to normal, but in order lower the chances of relapse, it's absolutely imperative that louis gets the help he needs as soon as possible. the fact that his body hadn't given in up until now is incredible in itself."

"r-right," harry sighed, disappointed but willing to give up anything for his ocean boy, "whatever is going to get him healthy again."

the doctor smiled warmly. "you guys have a beautiful relationship. louis is lucky to have such a caring boyfriend. don't worry; it'll be fine. there are a lot of success stories out there, and i believe that he can be one of them."

louis smiled accusingly at the green-eyed boy at the word 'boyfriend,' who just looked away and rolled his eyes.

"now, nurses will take care of things and bring you your meals three times a day, along with three snacks. they'll be in to take vitals and bring breakfast every morning at 7:30. we'll be monitoring your progress in the meantime. the more you comply during this stage, the earlier you'll be able to move on. a nurse will be in shortly to remove your feeding tube, and if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask." dr. matthers scribbled some notes before leaving. "have a nice day, and don't forget that louis is to be on strict bedrest, which means zero physical activity, harry," she joked, to which the younger boy blushed.

a nurse came in following dr. matthers' departure with a tray, mostly empty with only alcohol wipes and gloves. "this is going to hurt a little, okay? i'll give you a break in the middle, but it'll be quick. it's easier that way," she removed the tape on louis' nose and began pulling out the plastic tube. harry wasn't there when they had inserted it, but it seemed painful; going through the nose and the esophagus straight to the stomach. he wanted wrinkled his nose at the thought.

the first half was okay, just a little scratchy. "okay. this might make you gag a bit, okay? i'm going to pull real quick the remainder." when louis nodded, she continued. "okay, 3… 2… 1." a quick tug, and louis felt the tube scrape the inside of his throat as it passed back up his nose. like the nurse had warned, he gagged slightly, strings of saliva dripping out of his mouth. "there, there. you did amazing. now that it's out, you have to try your best to eat the food we give you, or you're going to have to be tube-fed again. and we don't want that," she said gently, rubbing louis' back as she stood up to leave. "alright. i'll leave you two alone to relax."

as soon as the door closed behind her, the ocean boy gave harry a smug look that made butterflies erupt in the younger's stomach and chest. "oh, shut up, lou. i know you can't speak but i already know what you're going to say," he blushed, "i had to say i was your boyfriend or they wouldn't let me stay for so long."

louis cleared his throat; a sick, raspy sound coming from him that didn't even sound human. "was gonna say," he croaked, "didn't know i got a whole boyfriend during the time i was out, i should pass out more often, i guess."

"don't even think about joking like that, little shit. you don't know how worried zayn and i were. i was afraid we were going to lose you."

"zayn was here?"

"yeah. we found you passed out on the floor at the park. when you didn't wake up, we brought you straight to the hospital. he went home earlier, but he's definitely going to come this afternoon when he can. like i said, you gave us quite the scare."

louis smiled sadly. "what time is it now?"

"it's like two in the morning, love. you were out for a day and a half."

"ah. you haven't went home? haz, get some rest. please. i'm sorry for making you-"

"don't finish that sentence. you didn't 'make' me do anything. i'm here because i care. i want to be with you through this."

"you don't even know me, harry," louis said, voice fading at the end, as his throat was still raw. "i'm basically a stranger."

"you've been saying that for weeks. you'll never be more than a stranger if you don't let me in."

"i'm trying to save you the trouble. i'm not wor-"

harry was shaking, now. every time they'd have this conversation, he would feel white-hot, uncontrollable anger burst through his veins, begging to escape in the form of a yell. but he couldn't, not at a hospital, not at a sick man. so he just inhaled through his nose and closed his eyes. "i fucking hate when you say that. we've talked about this before. don't tell me what's worth my time and what's not. i make this decision."

louis looked down. "o-okay."

"i love you, you know that?"

the older boy hummed, but it sounded more like a gurgle.

"i'm being serious. i don't care how much of a burden you tell yourself you are. i care about you, and i'm not going to give up on you, louis tomlinson. not even when you've given up on yourself."

he wanted to cry in this moment, but closed his eyes instead. it was useless to argue with harry now, but it was still frustrating how much the boy didn't know. all he could do was slip back into the warm threshold of sleep—despite having slept for over 24 hours, he felt this exhaustion come back over him, so he allowed it. whatever that would allow him to escape from the present.