when it comes to taking it away from them they will defend it like a lioness her young

louis really was trying his best to get out of that damn place, but the idea of truly gaining weight, gaining fat, scared him more than he thought ever would. so he'd come up with the brilliant idea of funneling water into his system before his daily weigh-in. there was no reliable way to hide weights through his body while he was on the scale, as they made him strip naked aside from a gown, not even underwear allowed. and he didn't have access to anything small and heavy, anyway.

of course, the hospital was experienced with patients like him, so there were precautions made to prevent that. nothing louis couldn't work around, though. every morning, he'd wake up at six thirty, half an hour before the nurses came to take his vitals. he asked harry to bring him bottles of water to drink throughout the night because he was too scared to ask for it himself. and harry, being the sweetheart he was, complied.

the blue-eyed boy was careful to not touch the water until right before the weigh-in, in fear that he would need to wee during the night and waste all that weight that could have been added on the scale. he was also careful not to allow the nurses to see the empty water bottles, careful to stow them under his bed until harry came by, whom he asked to dispose of them as a favor.

it took only four days extra after the first week to finally reach the required minimum weight for him to be discharged. it, of course, was still quite low and in the underweight range but high enough for doctors to not have to worry that he'd suffer from acute heart failure just from standing. though, he did feel like his bladder was about to explode when he stepped on the scale and was given the news.

"again, it's important that you move to another level of treatment specific for eating disorders, and i personally recommend, as your physician, to do a couple of months of residential treatment for the lowest chance of relapse and the highest chance of full recovery. you being of age, however, means that we cannot force you into anything." dr. matthers said later that afternoon.

harry was there, having decided to skip class after receiving the news of louis' potential discharge. "what do you think, love? your doctor and i just want the best for you, and getting more specialized treatment might be it." he whispered, holding the older boy's hand tightly. it would be a lie if he said he weren't deathly nervous; after all, even though it was louis' life, this all affected him as well.

"i think i'm fine. like, if it gets worse, maybe i'll see someone. but for now, just trust me, yeah? what happened was a one-time deal. i don't want to be weak and have to see a therapist or anything. i also don't want to take medication for my brain or whatever. because i'm fine."

before dr. matthers could get a word in, harry spoke up. "you think speaking to a therapist is weak, lou? did you think any less of me when i told you that i had to see a therapist every week when i was a kid?"

"no, because you needed it. and there's nothing wrong with that. it's just, i don't need that right now. this is something i can figure out on my own."

"then why did you push yourself so far to the point of seizing in the bathroom? if i didn't know better, i would have thought that you want to die." harry retorted, starting to speak much quicker than his usual slow, droning voice. the sound that would lull louis to sleep amidst a bad dream or a panic attack was suddenly callous and chilling.

"harry…"

"i apologize if i'm interrupting something," dr. matthers said carefully, "but if mr. tomlinson is truly that against seeing a counselor, i think it's important to at least see a nutritionist. there are plenty out there that are understanding of eating disorder patients, and very accustomed to dealing with people like you, louis." she dug around in a file folder the blue-eyed boy hadn't even noticed she carried around with her. "ah. here's a business card of a nutritionist that i'm actually close friends with. please, please, please, for your own wellbeing, get in touch with her as soon as possible. she doesn't work in this facility but i assure you that she as kind as she is good at her job."

louis took the card apprehensively. it was a navy blue color with white block font with the nutritionist's name, number, and office address on it. "okay," he said, wearily, despite not actually having any intention to call. having a nutritionist meant being held accountable for what he ate. and in no way was he ready for that. "i'll give it some thought."

"okay, mr. tomlinson. now that everything is taken care of, you're clear to go after some paperwork. you've been making very steady progress, and everyone is proud of you." she smiled a tight-lipped smile, one that was tired, yet undoubtedly genuine.

"thank you for everything," louis and harry said in tandem, to which dr. matthers only chuckled at after waving and leaving the room. a nurse followed shortly, before the two boys could say much to each other, with a thick stack of forms for louis to fill out.

in truth, living at the hospital was not cheap, and he felt guilty for asking so much of his mother and dan. they had six other children living at home, two of which were hardly toddlers. not to mention his mother's own hospital bills. it was so selfish of him to allow himself to succumb to something as stupid as an eating disorder, he thought.

"sun?" harry cooed, snapping the ocean boy out of his little hellhole of dark thoughts. "do you need help with any of that? i think i know most of your basic information by heart, anyway. so i can just fill out the technical stuff and leave the more specific and personal stuff to you?"

"you know all my info after knowing me for a month?" louis chuckled, he always got a kick out of teasing the curly-haired boy. "stalker."

"heeey," harry whined, "that's how devoted i am to you. even though you say i'll leave you all the time. i'm more likely to murder you and stuff your body for display than to leave you."

"now that's creepy," the older chortled, "you're getting so specific i'm starting to think that you're serious!"

"maybe i am, sunflower. you're just so beautiful that i want to have you all to myself."

"flattery won't get you anywhere, styles." he poked the other boy's dimple, gently running his finger in circles against harry's face. "but your stupid, pretty face will."

"touché, tommo the tease," the green-eyed boy giggled.

"oh, shut up, you menace."

eventually, they wound up finishing the paperwork, gathered their bearings, and were ready to leave. louis was giddy with excitement, having even taken a step out of the hospital building for a week and a half. there wasn't much stuff to bring back to his place, since harry would always run things back and forth from the hospital and their apartments, aside from a duffel bag that they'd stuffed in the back seat of harry's car. the pale pink exterior never failed to put a smile on the ocean boy's face, and harry had never been more glad he decided on that color, despite liam and niall's protests at the time.

"let's get going, babe." he said casually, as louis thought he seemed like some middle-aged white dad driving his son home from football practice. "i bet you're buzzing to get home."

"just as much as you are," the ocean boy giggled fondly, "you've practically been living at the hospital too, spending nearly every waking hour with me like some kind of leech."

"you know it's because i love you, and you love it because you love me too!"

"i'd never heard someone use the 'L' word three times in a sentence before meeting you, hazza. you're such a sap."

"but you love me. you love a sap."

"who said i loved you?" louis narrowed his eyes, pursing his lips to hide a smile.

"you did."

"pictures or it's not real."

"i don't have pictures, but that day that i left to get grocery, you told me you loved me before i left. and told me to stay safe because you care. and how handsome i looked that day."

"i did not! you were wearing stained joggers and a white t-shirt! not handsome at all."

"so you admit to saying that you love me?"

louis rolled his eyes. he did remember that moment, as it made his heart race as the words just slipped naturally out. but he'd rather die than admit that. "keep your eyes on the road, you buffoon. a car crash is not my preferred way to go."

they continued their banter all the way home, the curly-haired boy glad to see some light shine in louis' eyes again. maybe things really were okay. maybe they could stay like this forever.

when they finally reached louis' apartment, it was nearing five in the afternoon, and harry was getting hungry again. "what should we do for dinner, lou?"

he felt the boy tense up instantly, which made him wince internally. of course the problem at hand hadn't disappeared just because louis was healthy enough to leave the hospital, but that didn't mean he didn't have dumb fantasies that everything would be fine, and they could operate like a normal couple. not that they were a couple in the first place. "i'm n- anything is fine." louis stopped himself before his usual automatic response slipped out, knowing it would have upset harry.

"you sure, love? i'm willing to make anything you want."

"um, i… then, a- a salad?"

"sure, sunflower. it's just got to have more than sad leaves. i'm going to add chicken, feta cheese, and croutons. maybe make a side soup since i'm feeling extra hungry and i'm craving tomato soup anyway."

louis' stomach flipped out of anxiety at the mention the extra parts never usually allowed himself to eat. the soup, everything extra in a salad that ruined the low-calorie aspect of the salad. "i- okay. that's fine."

it'd been too long since he's punished himself, anyway. the easiest way to do that was to make him hate himself. so he complied.

when they ate, harry looked so proud. it almost made louis regret all that he was planning and change his mind. the look on the curly-haired boy's face, he thought, was more valuable than any punishment he could ever administer himself. for a second, they were at the dinner table, smiling, talking as if they'd known each other for their entire lives, saying the most pointless yet beautiful things.

but when he felt the food weighing him down, having finished half his meal, the water he had drank between every bite of food swishing inside of him, everything began shaking again; his hands, his vision, his resolve. he had to leave.

"i'm going to take a shower," the ocean boy said, as carefully and steadily as possible so as not to raise suspicion. "let's watch a movie tonight, yeah? i haven't showered properly in so long, and i don't wanna cuddle up against you while smelling like shit."

"no problem, button. take your time," harry cooed softly, not really paying attention. he didn't catch the unevenness in louis' words. "i'll be out here whenever you're ready."

louis stumbled into the bathroom without another word, hurriedly grabbing fresh clothes and a towel before locking the door behind him. soon, it would be too late, and it would all be digested. at that point, there would be nothing he could do about it.

he turned on the shower and opened the toilet lid, hoping, praying, willing himself to be quiet just in case harry were to walk by and hear anything. the callouses that had formed on the knuckles of his forefinger and middle finger of his right hand had softened from his time in the hospital. for a second, he felt a twinge of guilt rush through his veins before it quickly disappeared when he remembered how much he'd eaten.

nothing mattered suddenly, not harry, not the hospital, not his doctors, not himself. he found his fingers down his throat everything he'd eaten coming back up. though it was mostly liquid, with the red-orange tomato soup filling the bowl. a scary sight; as if he had just vomited blood. somehow relaxing, though. more than ever, louis felt grounded. this was the feeling that he had so yearned for in the past two weeks spent at the hospital.

when he'd opened the cupboard where he would usually store his razors, they were gone, frustratingly enough. harry must have found them and disposed of them. all that remained was an empty bottle of vodka. everything else was nowhere to be found.

"are you okay in there, lou?" harry called from outside the door.

"yeah," he rasped, throat still scratchy from the acid. purging things like tomatoes, vinegar, orange juice—it made what was already acidic even more so. "i'm fine, just getting ready for a shower, is all."

"really? the shower has been running for a while."

"had to…" louis stumbled for words. "had to trim my pubes!"

harry laughed innocently at the boy, no knowledge of what had really taken place in the bathroom. "alright, love. i'll be waiting."

the blue-eyed boy flushed the toilet, contents of his stomach swirling around before finally being replaced with clear, pure water. it was refreshing.

he smiled sickly at his reflection, abruptly made aware of how bad this was. he'd just returned from the hospital, and the first thing he decided to do was shove his fingers down his throat. it was awful.

as long as harry didn't know, though, and he was more careful than last time, then things would be fine. he just had to be careful. to not go too far or fall too deep. this was the only way he could feel, he decided. it's like the sigmund freud quote, the one about the lioness.

he couldn't recall it in his stupor of anxiety and exhaustion, which had suddenly come over him after he stood with no warning, but louis liked freud. his ideas were interesting, despite being a little dark. something that he could probably have a long-wound discussion with harry about.

harry.

he did feel guilty to an extent, knowing that if harry ever found out about this, he would cry and cry and cry, and it would be louis' fault. as long as he didn't find out, though, it was safe. he was safe.

after exiting the shower and rinsing his mouth with mouthwash, the sour smell and taste were gone, it it was as if this episode hadn't happened at all. so he just returned to harry's side, all soft and warm and secure, and they cuddled while watching grease.

it was perfect (almost).