a single word sets me free

harry wasn't completely oblivious; he knew that something had to be wrong. he hoped that he was wrong, though. it shouldn't have been weird that the older boy needed a shower. he did get washed—though the times he was bathed happened few and far between. had harry been in that position, showering in the comfort of his own home would have been the first thing on his agenda upon getting discharged.

no one drinks that much water while eating, though. it felt off—he was just so happy and giddy and smiley. harry couldn't ignore that. so he pushed all of his worries to the back of his mind. what was more important was that louis was eating. not even a month ago, when harry had made lasagna, louis refused to let a single bite near his mouth. this was progress.

it was progress.

at least, that's what it felt like. when louis returned from the shower to watch grease, his favorite movie, somehow his voice sounded much more gravelly, as if there his esophagus was made of sandpaper. and his smile stopped reaching his eyes. thinking about the cause of this made harry's stomach churn. it was much easier to ignore it.

he decided to test the waters a bit more. because maybe, this would prove his hunch wrong. maybe he was just being too paranoid and overprotective. maybe everything was actually fine. "lou, do you want me to make popcorn to eat while watching the movie?"

"nah, i'm good. full from dinner."

"you only had half of your dinner, though."

"leave it, love," louis sighed. "nothing is going to change overnight. but for real. i'm fine. make some popcorn for yourself, though, if there is any in the pantry. but i'm sure you ended up picking some up since you're asking."

"alrighty. well if you end up changing your mind, i'm not sharing with you," harry pouted.

"we both know that's not true."

"oh, shut up. you know me too well."

"can't help it, after you forced yourself so rudely into my life a month ago."

"almost two months, mind you," harry whined. "and you love me, you know it."

"whatever helps you sleep at night, styles." they were both smiling adoringly at each other, and harry thought maybe he could forget about everything. about louis' eating disorder (it was still difficult to call it that—louis himself has yet to admit that his problem was truly a disorder), about the past two weeks, about whatever had hurt louis in the past, about everything dirty and wrong in this world. if it could be just the two of them, in their own little attic of the universe. at least, that's what harry liked to imagine it to be. the dusty attic of some old house, one that was filled with boxes and smelled of old books, maybe with a skylight that allowed golden sunshine to leak in, accentuating the softness of louis' hair and his lips and his cheekbones. cozy and beautiful in its own sense, perfectly reflecting everything that the ocean boy was.

this, harry thought, was truly all that they needed.

fleetingly, nothing else mattered. they watched the movie, stroking each other's hair as louis buried his head in the younger boy's chest. he smiled softly at the cuddly boy, wanting to melt from fondness.

"lou?"

"hm?"

"i love you."

there was a pause as louis' breath hitched. harry could hear himself swallowing, awaiting the answer. when it never came, he decided to continue.

"i know we're not even dating. yet. but i just want to let you know; i really do love you. it's heavy to drop the bomb such a serious setting so early on, but i think it's true. i really think you're it for me, lou."

"i'm… harry, you have to understand-"

"i know. i didn't say it wanting an answer," harry pulled the louis closer to him. "i said just to say it, because i really do mean it. i don't want to push you to agree to anything you're not ready for. just know that i'm here with open arms whenever you are. same goes for anything you haven't told me. i'm not going to push it so early on, but of course, things that have happened to you are things that i want know about… someday."

"someday, harry," louis said, face still in harry's chest, so that he could feel warm air every time the smaller boy breathed. "i promise."

"pinky promise?"

"pinky promise."

they finished the movie, mood lifting as louis began to sing along to some of the songs, which harry found absolutely adorable. louis knew every line, anticipating everything that happened, every time the characters burst into song. it was like he was a child again, able to enjoy things as they were, with no worry or regret. it was beautiful.

the movie had ended, and they held hands all the way to louis' bed, which they shared. this wasn't something that friends did, right? they did everything that boyfriends would do, so harry couldn't be that far off, right? is this the happiness they deserve?

he just closed his eyes and rested his forehead against louis' back. the boy still refused to sleep facing him, but the fact that he allowed harry to touch him right away was progress. this was progress.

it was progress until harry had was lulled to sleep with beautiful dreams, where louis and him sauntered around sunflower fields and whispered sweet nothings to each other. it was progress until he was jolted awake by the boy, who had somehow woken harry accidentally while trying to get up out of bed.

harry was fully alert now, hoping that this wasn't what he thought it was. "where are you going?" he asked sternly, grabbing hold of louis' wrist before he could so much as leave the room. "why are you awake?"

"i have to wee, harry. you almost gave me a heart attack," he responded breathily, stunned at how hard harry's grasp on him was. "let go, haz. you're hurting me."

the green-eyed boy loosened his grip, sobering up a significantly. "can i come with you?"

"i'm sorry?"

harry cleared his throat. "i said, can i come with you?"

"to the restroom?"

"precisely."

"go back to sleep, harry. i'm not a child. i can use the restroom on my own, at least."

"i'm not trying to treat you like a child. i just worry."

"well you are."

"right. well… fine. i'll be here. use the restroom quickly, so i can go back to sleep. can't sleep without my little loubear by my side." the younger boy whined, trying to mask his concern with neediness. knowing that harry was waiting, there was no way louis would try to pull anything in the bathroom, right?

wrong.

when he hadn't returned after five minutes, which slowly became ten, the anger and frustration began to build up inside of him. he got up with the full intention of ripping apart everything that came between himself and louis; whether it was a door or an ocean or a goddamn blade. but he'd remembered the last time he took his anger out on the boy, and immediately recuperated. gently, he slid the door open, and found louis stepping on and off the glass scale in the corner of the room, as if the number would change with every attempt. it hadn't.

all the frustration and white-hot anger that was in harry, that he'd suppressed for so long, had disappeared. "oh, lou…"

the boy turned around quickly, wide-eyed, as if he hadn't heard harry walk in. "oh. hi. i- i'm sorry. i just, it took longer than i thought it would. and i um, i thought that you would've fallen asleep. sorry. i'll be right there. i'm sorry for making you get up."

"no, no, no. that's not it, babe. my sleep is fine." his voice cracked, chest feeling like it was about to burst at the idea that louis hated what he had loved so much. "please. you're so, so, so perfect. don't do this to yourself. stop torturing yourself, louis."

"i'm- i'm not really, i'm not-"

"what would you have done, had i really been asleep and not walked in on you like this?"

louis' voice was quivering and his eyes watering. his fists were clenched so tightly, nails digging into his soft, shaky palms that his knuckles were bone white—as if no skin were there in the first place. "i would was just, i was just taking a piss, hazza. was going to head back to bed in a second."

"don't lie to me. i'm dense, but not that dense. what would you have done, lou? spell it out for me. please."

the small boy seemed even smaller than he was in this moment, shaking so fiercely, as if that were his whole reason for being, harry didn't even know it was possible to tremble so hard. "i-" he gurgled, trying to compose himself, proving unsuccessful. "nothing. i would have just…"

"tell me, baby. i won't be mad."

the ocean boy's legs became so unsteady that he couldn't even hold himself up anymore, though he tried. he tried to lean on the counter before falling completely to his knees with a loud thud that made harry recoil inwardly at the grave noise. "harry, i… i hate what they've done to me. i've gained so much weight. i hate the person i've become. i don't- i'm worthle-"

"never. don't you fucking dare say that, tomlinson." he took a deep breath, easing himself into the other boy. slow and steady. don't scare him. "we'll work through this, yeah? let's… let's call the number on the business card in the morning yeah? i can even schedule the appointment for you. just, please. please try to see someone. just because you're physically healthier than before from all the IVs they've stuck in you doesn't mean you're truly any better."

a long pause. it felt like several minutes of silence had passed, but harry wasn't completely sure. it could have been seconds, or even hours for all he cared. as long as he had louis in his arms. "i…" he felt the boy release a shaky breath. "okay."

it was only a whisper, just a word, two syllables, but harry had felt every weight lift off of him. "oh, lou. i am so proud of you. this is a big step. we'll get better, okay? it'll be alright."

they stayed pressed together for a few seconds as louis collected himself, trying to avoid getting snot in harry's shirt, before they decided to return to bed. it felt somehow warmer and softer than before; a place that was previously weighed down by worries and uncertainties now seemed so much lighter, free of impurities. harry held the ocean boy even closer than he ever had.

come morning, the two boys stood over the older's phone as he tried to gather the courage to dial the number. harry offered to do the job, but louis refused profusely, saying that he was an adult and needed to do this on his own. when harry squeezed his shoulder reassuringly, he looked up and smiled wearily, hardening and pressing on the green "call" icon.

"hello?"

"hi, i'm… i'm looking to set up an appointment?" his words came out as a question, raising in pitch at the end of the phrase. "um, i was referred by someone at the hospital," he coughed awkwardly.

"yes, hi. when are the best times for you? currently dr. reid has openings most afternoons this weeks, and some mornings."

"um…" he looked at harry with panicked eyes, to which he received an encouraging nod. "wednesday? wednesday afternoon?"

"sounds great!" the receptionist's voice was chirpy and had a breezy air about it; so much so that it was beginning to make louis think he was about lose his mind. "how's four p.m. for you?"

"that works."

"name?"

"l-louis. louis tomlinson."

"i've got you down! have a good one," she said, almost artificially, as if she were right out of one of those early 2000's chick flicks. the clicking noise told him that she had hung up, and he practically melted in harry's arms.

"you did great, love," harry said, kissing the ocean boy's forehead. "you did great. this was a big step, and i know how difficult that was for you. i'm here."

louis said nothing, only letting out staggered breaths into the younger boy's chest.

maybe he hadn't truly wanted to get better, because he wasn't happy. harry was so proud of him, but he somehow could not bring himself to be excited or pleased with himself. this felt like a step back, if anything. he had already gained a bunch of weight from being at the hospital, and now, he was going to be forced to gain even more weight. why did he agree to this?

"…change." he whispered, almost inaudibly.

"what was that, sunshine?"

"nothing is so painful to the human mind as a great and sudden change."

"that's true. where is that from, again? enlighten me."

"why do you assume everything i say is from somewhere else?" the ocean boy pouted.

"because everything you say is from somewhere else, boo."

"fine. it's from frankenstein. i'm surprised you don't know it."

"not my cup of tea, i guess. i've read it, but it's not like i really paid attention to anything that was said," harry frowned.

"i don't blame you, honestly. an odd one, despite being a classic."

"my, my. well aren't you quite the little scholar."

"oh, shut up, you love it."

harry smiled, feeling as if the clouds had finally parted, allowing the sun to shine on the two of them again for the first time in a while. "i do."