27. The Fears

3.08.20

Kody's POV

I held onto James hand tightly as we crossed over a bridge. I don't even know why, but I've always had an irrational fear of big bodies of water. Koda had long since fallen asleep in my lap, and I was just glad that I was accepted by the little boy. James didn't know why I was clutching him so tight, but he squeezed back just as hard.

"Are you okay, Kodes?" James whispered. Everyone else in the car was asleep, and I knew that he was just awake because I was. I haven't slept an entire night since he left, and old habits die hard.

"I'm just scared of large bodies of water. I don't even know why," I responded while remembering the conversation that I had with him earlier. I couldn't be hypocritical and hold him to a standard that I didn't hold myself to.

James chuckled slightly, but I knew he wasn't making fun of me. He was just laughing at the strangeness of my fear. "Well we'll have to work on that because I've always wanted to see the ocean, and I want to share that experience with you."

I shook my head slightly. The ocean was an absolute, definite no. It was just so wide and deep! What would happen if I got lost in there? Would I ever get out?! Would I lose Koda? Would the waves swallow James?! I was slowly working my way to a panic at all of the possible scenarios, and we were still on the dastardly bridge.

Suddenly, James's gentle fingers stroked through my hair while he breathed quick apologies, and I slowly came to my senses. I'm in a car with James and Koda beside me, the water is far below me, and I'm fine. "I'm so sorry, Kodes, I didn't realize that it was that bad," James whispered urgently.

"It's okay. If it's your dream, I'll try to get over my fears."

"I don't want to make you uncomfortable, babe."

"I would literally die for you, Jam."

"If you would die for me then go to sleep," James commanded.

"Jam... I've been an insomniac for almost 4 years. I'll let you try to stop it, but I can't promise anything."

"I understand where you're coming from because I've been there. Come here."

I scooted closer, and he put my head down on his lap. I stretched my long legs across the seat and slowly allowed myself to relax. James ran his fingers soothingly through my hair with slow, careful movements. My eyes slowly drifted closed because of the built up exhaustion, and I let myself drift into an originally peaceful sleep that didn't seem like it would turn sour until it did.

An older version of Koda was standing in front of me with a cruel smile.

"I know that you weren't there for my papa when I was a kid! I hate you!" he shouted just before the dream shifted.

I was face to face with James. He was crying gently while clutching a motionless Koda. "You did this! You killed my son!" he cried out loudly.

"What did I do?" I screamed. I tried to reach out to him, but he was too far away. Just when I thought nothing could get worse, my father appeared from the mist.

"Your husband and son hate your guts, Kody. You're mine now, and no one will save you," he chanted as if he was a robot. I tried to move back when he advanced, but I was stuck in thick mud. James joined behind him with the older Koda, and I began crying.

"Always the baby."

"No one can save you."

"You did this yourself."

"Please," I begged, "please just leave me alone!"

"Lights out," the sun guardian made a sudden appearance before putting a mask over my face. I slowly lost all of my senses before everything went black.

I jerked awake in the same car and sat up so fast that I almost hit my head against the ceiling. My breathing was hard and uneven, and my cheeks were still wet from the tears. I checked my watch to see that it was just past one in the morning, and I knew that I hadn't gone to sleep until 12:30.

I gently shook James with a hint of regret, yet I knew he would be glad that I had woken him up. He groaned before opening his eyes as if sensing something was wrong.

"What's up, Kodes. What time is it?"

"It's 1am. I had a nightmare, and I knew you would want me to wake you up," I whispered. James sat up with a concerned expression, and he pulled me tightly against his chest.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Everything went wrong, Jam! Everyone hated me, and the sun guardian was back!" I whisper shouted. "And I think I killed Koda."

"Shhhh... It's okay. I've got you, and if there's one thing I can't do anymore, it's let you go. I've learned my lesson, Kodes."

"It was just playing into my fears of being alone."

"You're afraid of a lot more than I thought you would be."

"I was just really good at hiding it. However, I'm taking down my guard now because I can't expect you to talk to me if I don't talk to you."

James wound his arms around my shoulders and kissed me lightly, innocently. It was just a brief peck, but I fell in love so much right there.

"It may be too early to say this again, but I love you, Jam. I think you did an amazing job raising Koda without me there, and I want to be with you so bad," I confessed.

"I love you too, idiot."

I giggled quietly at his words. "What does Koda act like usually?"

"Think about a younger version of you. Bam," James explained. I almost burst out laughing at one in the morning.

"Does he have the anger too?"

"Well he's never been in a situation that he would have to use it, but he's totally sassy."

I didn't even notice the movement of the car and the gentle way James was holding me was lolling me into sleep. "That's cute. He has your hair," I murmured through the sleep haze.

"He does. I let it grow out long so that I could remember you. He has your eyes, too. I love you two's eyes," Jam complimented.

"I think your eyes are pretty," I slurred while locking onto their baby blue color. The world was drifting in and out over and over again, and my brain was working hard to stay focused on anything except for James's eyes. The car continued to rock back and forth, and I felt warm and loved.

I could hear the snores of the others around me, and I played a little game in my mind to try and sync my breathing with theirs. James leaned down and kissed my forehead before laying me back along the seats slowly. He allowed his body to rest on top of mine, and the weight was soothing. I would know if he left because I would feel him against my chest.

The last thing I remember before my world turned dark was James's face pressing into my neck.