The sky

The very person that is trying to help me live. Himself slowly started falling off a ledge, I grabbed my heart and squeezed it… That pain. Estel helped me before… But now he is the very person I wanted to avoid being. Or rather avoid becoming who he has become.

Avoid losing my sanity. It seems that trusting in a man is indeed a hard thing to do… My head hurts so much, my whole body is screaming to beat someone. My limbs are burning to punch the wall. But it would be more pain. My whole body is just shivering. I'm so angry that it's hard to keep myself from screaming.

I'm looking at him… Shocked and almost scared of what is going on. My eyes were dark as night almost in the color of coal. I don't want to say anything but how can I not, in a situation like this? I can't think of anything else now… There is no other way.

"...I" I held my voice before I even started. What I wanted to ask is… 'So we are lost now?' But I held myself. If he heard it he would probably get really upset with himself more than he is now. Which would be devastating for our plan. We need to hold ourselves in this solidarity as if what happened just now, didn't. I can't do this anymore. I'm falling down and almost dying here. Getting from happiness even tears of joy to a slow lament in my soul because of one person… Why are humans so weird?

We are humanoids and even if we are I don't understand why we are so weak… Those feelings are keeping us down even more. The very man that told me to not lose myself. His words. Were strong. I gasped really tired at this point. I want to leave this madness behind and start something new…

I don't know why but I feel that something really important has been forgotten by me. Very important. A not very distant one… Of someone. I just don't know whom anymore… I'm lost, Lucas. I want to meet with Lucas.

"Marcus…" A sad quiet voice came out of my mouth. "Can you contact Lucas?" I questioned in anticipation.

"S-sure…" He answered hesitating and anxious. I understand him, what Estel just did must've shocked them more than me since I know him for much shorter. That small hesitation in his voice and shiver of his hands. Even a child would understand what he feels now.

Again he has made sand like mouth and ear. I saw it slowly floating close to the walls of the rings. I never even thought about how it would look in prison or something. But now…

I'm here for five days and it feels as if it was eternity… I feel tired, and slowly something is ripping out my soul from my body. It's only five days… How is it possible? Or is it just how this place works? Getting your life to the lowest of low. Falling into depravity and almost losing yourself between those walls. Scary yellow walls. Depressing after this time. Slowly getting on my nerves.

I want to get out of this asylum! Please! Help me!

Again screaming in my mind without thinking. Hoping for someone to hear my prayers… It's again slowly getting colder. But colors still stay the same…

"Ask him what he is going to do tomorrow… Please..." Again with a tired voice. He then probably did what I asked him for.

"He said that the first thing he is going to do is to search for us. When he saw you by the bars screaming it was like a dagger into his heart. That's what he said." He then sat down in the corner of the room and put his head onto his knees and resembled a child. "What do you think about Estel…" He whispered because I went with him to the corner.

"Well… What can I say? It's just… Hard. I think it's just very hard to not go sane. He endured a long time, and from your reaction, it was the first time you've seen him like this." I also whispered at that point. Estel is laying on the bed and Matthew also just sat down but he looked like his whole body lost its strength. Just like skin with nothing inside… The exhaustion from the mines took a toll upon him at this point.

"You are right, but we still need to be close, you know? It's hard to get over what just happened and it is somewhat related to him being tired from before… Stress and all. But if we want to escape this place we need to work together. We can't lose one of us because of something like this." Marcus explained and it was one of the few things that were actually important. That's what I feel.

"Yeah… But we need to rest. You should train and spy as much as you can. I know it's very tiring but we need as much info as we can. And then in four days maybe… Escape." Four days? I hope, in those four days I- I will not lose myself… Again. It won't be me anymore. It will be the 'second' Hayden. I don't want this to happen but if it will. 

I looked up through the iron bars into the sky. And I think that the thing Estel felt… Came also to me. Even if we were outside yesterday… Bathed in the sun's rays it still wasn't enough. Those weren't the rays of freedom. As I look into the sky… I realize the problem. The big problem being the weakness. Our weakness.

A smile appeared on my face as the sky was already slowly going dark. The first star appeared so that we can see it from right here almost as if it was created to be like this. A single star on the night sky. A sad view… Of a single man with no friends, family, and no one beside. Not a single soul to talk to. No one to trust. And that single star in an infinite amount of years will collapse. So will we… The weak humans in our unending suffering. A very scary existence.

I stopped looking at the sky and went to the bed. As well as Marcus. Who made his steps very carefully. He was hesitating with every single one. I think that what Estel did made him question himself a lot… I understand that he has no more strength to spy today…

"How can I sleep after something like this? I can't think of anything anymore." A thought came to my mind. Is this betrayal of his own mind? Is he locked there like me? God… If he is. I can't even think about that. But I can't just let it be! Why does my own mind feel like a prison? Thoughts are like chains keeping me down. And everything around me makes them stronger and heavier. It's hurting from the inside. "What is this even?" I don't know when I'm thinking or talking anymore.

"Are we… Also starting early tomorrow?" I asked while looking at the wall in the cell. The yellow wall with no soul…

"Yes," Estel answered first and almost sounded like a snort. "Maybe he heard us?" This very disturbing thought came to my mind… His thoughts are the same as mine, he is also suffering the same fate… My thoughts are almost destroying me. I know what he feels and how it is. I… Want to change everything. More people like this shouldn't exist. More suffering like that of mine shouldn't be.

Looking back to what happened in the hole… The first day there. If someone was to suffer the same fate it would be better to just destroy everything… The pain. The agony that I had to suffer at this time… How can I do anything? How can I heal wounds that are in my head and not my body? Even if those are old scars. Even if they are not to heal. They don't matter as much as what will happen to my mind. Because it will be with me for the end of my days. And those others… I may forget them anytime.

"Estel… I have a small request." Again I need to do something that may give me more chances later.

"What is it." He barked back and sounded like 'Don't bother me anymore'. Well… I understand that since he has already lost something.

"Can you-" I hesitate a little bit. "Can you… Teach me how to fight?" Now fully assured the question came out of my mouth.

"..." No answer… I think he went to sleep just now. He has to be very tired from what happened. Now I realize that the hole went dark and almost black at that. They are all asleep at this point. It's very late… I also feel tired, and filled with pain. I should go to sleep now…