The past will move forward

Am I stuck between time? Those are surely my memories but… Not actually mine, those are memories of someone else that has been around me all the time. The three doors… It's so weird. Now once again standing in the middle, the right door is opened and nothing is happening inside. I wanted to go to the church but it once again pushed me back. So… I have to go to my own house now.

Slowly walking, taking steps carefully on the floor made of clouds. Sun on the horizon but not in the air, the clouds were smooth and silky. The sun was making the clouds look nice and orange, very beautiful and in a way also shiny.

I walked to the purple door this time, my own house. I went into the kitchen, looked around. Started cooking out of nowhere, cooking a chicken broth with noodles. I then heard someone knocking on the door, once again I went to approach the door. Before opening though, something weird lingered from the inside of my body, right from my stomach. Sadness and fear at the same time coming up and moving my heart to my throat making it hard to breathe. I opened the door and saw my young self with the long trail of blood behind me. I know whose memories those are… Those are Flora's memories… Why!? Why does it show to me! What's the point of showing me this! Am I supposed to feel bad? Supposed to feel guilt? I don't want to remember all of it! Those memories should be gone from my head already! I don't want them…

I started crying while looking at myself in that place. Then Flora took me inside, put me on the bed, and covered me under the sheets. My young self started whining but not crying yet, Flora took something out of the wardrobe, cream or something like that. She slowly started applying it onto my back, it also made that old scar burn. Painful, the scar got even more annoying because my shirt was touching it. When she put it on my back she left immediately, and the young me went to sleep right after because of losing so much blood.

I then once again headed back to the kitchen to finish cooking. But… Something weird happened. Unpleasant. I saw with my own eyes, Flora's hand reaching out for a knife. She then put it right on her hand where the veins are located. Right about to slash them, tears falling down from my eyes, her as well. The tears on the hand, blood started appearing and slowly flowing down from the hand. But she pulled the blade back.

"I can't do it yet… I can't let them do what they want to him. If I won't be there, no one will be here for him to love him…" The words left my mouth but weren't mine. The voice belonged to Flora, I hate it. I hate those memories, they want to destroy me. They don't want to leave me, they will haunt me forever. God… Please take them away from me, please don't let me remember. Take my life!

No answer.

I left my house once again, now the last door was closed. The white shine was there. My eyes stopped crying. I just went to the big doors of the church, I know what it will be… The only bad memory I have from that place, the only memory I still remember… But I want to forget, even though if it wasn't there I surely wouldn't believe in God as much as now. The doors opened without my influence. Right at the moment when the priestess shouted about my power. The large 0 echoed through the place, me standing in the corner where Flora stood. There was no expression on my face but I felt Flora's expression. My young self ran out and I followed, but right when I left… My brother appeared before Flora's eyes.

"Hello! Where are you going?" He asked her, or me. I don't know but I heard the question.

"Following Hayden of course! And what are you doing here?" I questioned him even though those aren't my own words.

"You know what I am here for." He took me by hand, I saw and felt it. A whirl appeared in front of me, and then when it disappeared I was in the forest where my brother found me. "Well, Flora… Your body doesn't look half bad…" He made something in his hands, a small arrow, and shot it in Flora's head. She fell on the ground.

"I… I can't feel my limbs! What did you do to me!" He slowly approached me, Flora. Then I stepped out from the body and looked from the left unable to move.

"I poisoned you with a paralyzing arrow." His face then came close to Flora. "Now I will have some fun with you." He licked her cheek slowly, his hand descended under her skirt.

"Stop! Don't do it! It hurts!" She started screaming, but my younger self didn't hear it. He wasn't able to hear it, they were too far away.

"It will feel good in a second Flora… Enjoy the moment." He whispered into her ear while doing something in her pants. He stripped her naked and put his own pants away as well.

"Don't do it! Please! Stop! Don't… Please!" She started crying as he started putting his p*nis inside her. "F*cking stop! I will kill you, you bastard! Are you royalty?! You are a disgrace!" He didn't stop but got very angry, he slapped her in the face. I can't even go away… I don't want to watch this. I tried to close my eyes but also was unable to do it.

"You won't dictate who is a royale and who is not, f*cking peasant whore." Her face got slightly red but was screaming the entire time, begging for help and for him to stop. A futile struggle… My brother started touching her boobs as well, restlessly almost reaping them off.

"Stop it, you… Ah! Stop! I will never feel good from someone like you! Bastard! You will die!" She screamed once again but my brother went even further and got rougher on her… Why are you showing me this, why are her memories coming here! Why am I seeing all this… I don't want to… I don't want to see this anymore…

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After a minute or so… My brother was done and screamed while finishing.

"No! Why inside! You f*cker! I will kill you, you don't deserve to live, you disgusting pig!" She screamed, but my brother smiled and started dressing up once again.

"Well, that wasn't too good. Peasants… They never are as good as royals, and that's the difference, even in sex you were shit. Even as a whore you don't deserve life, you can't do anything. Useless b*tch." He then slashed her head clean off leaving her body there for someone to find. Then bury or burn it without anyone actually knowing whose corpse that is… Then my brother ran away, probably to meet me, right after this…

This bastard… I didn't know that Flora was struggling so much… I knew she did but I didn't expect that it was that much. She wanted to kill herself at one point… She had to suffer so much just because I existed and lived with her. She cared about me… F*ck, I am repeating myself for the 30th time at this point.

"Hayden." A woman's voice came from behind my back. A very nice and compelling voice, someone I know, the person that cared. And the person that was killed because of my weakness.

"F-flora?" I asked the omniscient void surrounding me and looked behind me. It was indeed my mother, Flora. The woman that made me who I am, the innocent boy that I was, and now a man responsible for her death. Man… Getting into manhood was the day of her death…

"You've been through a lot after my death." She said with her carrying and beautiful voice, it felt like silk to my destroyed body. Destroyed hair and mind.

"Flora…" I once again started crying about the ghost of my recent past. It's just three weeks since her death and yet I thought about forgetting her already. I ran to her, to hug my mom. But it was just an illusion… Something made up of my own mind or something else.

"The ghosts of your past will always haunt you. Until you solve them, they will always run back to you, always catch you when you least expect it. Just like now, like now when I appeared in your mind. You will never forget me, but… Even though, you caused my death. Even when it was so violent, throughout being raped by that monster… I never regretted being there for you. I love you, Hayden. Now… Go. And don't try to forget, it will cause more pain than you want to." I burst into even more tears now even screaming while crying, her ghostly appearance came close to me and hugged me. I felt her body now… I felt her presence, even if just in my mind and not a real body anymore. She is there…

"I love you… Mom." A single tear fell down her cheek, and then she disappeared, just like my thoughts at this point. I went back to sleep. No dreams anymore… If that was even a dream and not a nightmare.