11) Feelings and Friends: Emma

Emma checked her watch.

The bell was due to ring in five minutes, and she was still not finished with her biology work for that lesson. She always finished her biology before the end of the lesson, ALWAYS!

It annoyed her so much to be late for anything, and it ruined her schedule if she was not exactly on time with everything. People called Emma strange for this reason, but to Emma, being late or even early was a catastrophe.

But Emma was distracted.

Since first break, when Bailey had told her that she had a secret, Emma had been wondering if it was the same secret as hers. Could Bailey also be gay? Could Bailey be like her?

Although Emma's "Gaydar" was not very reliable, and she had often missed the obvious gays, her Gaydar was certainly ringing with Bailey.

It was an exciting thought to Emma, to find someone who could understand all the most important aspects of her. Someone who she could talk to about her sexuality without feeling judged.

Surprisingly, Emma had not even told Mrs Arense that she was questioning her sexuality. She had been too afraid to tell anyone, for fear that society was right, and it was just indeed a phase. It was one of the worst possible scenarios that Emma's brain could imagine, telling someone that she thought that she was gay, but it turning out that she was not.

It would make her feel so embarrassed, and she would be reminded of it for her whole life.

But Emma had been questioning long before that fatal night when she realised, or at least was more sure of her sexuality, and surely, this "crush" that she had on Bailey was a sure sign that she was not straight?

Emma could not deny the definite attraction that she had to Bailey. Bailey was just so pretty, funny and kind. She seemed like a perfect match, the person that Emma could see herself spending the rest of her life with.

But Bailey's secret and her crush on her, were not the only things that Emma was thinking about. They were not the only thoughts that were occupying her entire mind.

"How do I know if something is a phase or not?" Emma asked Mrs Arense the following Monday

Mrs Arense smiled and brought the big dictionary out of her cupboard. That was the advantage of going to an English teacher for advice.

"A distinct period or stage in a series of events or a process of change or development." Mrs Arense read as Emma listened intently.

"Does it make sense?" Mrs Arense asked

Emma nodded swiftly, then looked straight into Mrs Arense's eyes, something that she had always avoided doing with anyone, even the teacher that she trusted so much.

"I think that I am gay."

"Alright, thank you for trusting me enough to tell me. I feel honoured"

"Do you hate me or think differently of me because of it?"

"Not at all Emma! Besides, I already knew that you were not straight."

"You did?" Emma exclaimed, unable to hide her surprise, "How? What gave it away?"

"I don't know exactly, but I just noticed something different about you, a good different though."

Emma was very surprised a this sudden revelation. Here she had been shaking in her boots at the thought of Mrs Arense rejecting her because of her sexual orientation, but Mrs Arense had known all along, probably even before she had!

It was actually quite a relief to have told Mrs Arense. It had been scary at first, but after telling her, a sense of relief washed over her and made her feel calm. It no longer felt as if she was alone in the battle of self-discovery.

"Do you think it could be just a phase?" Emma asked

"A process of change or development." Mrs Arense repeated slowly, "So no, I think that you have already been through the phase, or you are going through a phase of change, but either way, the outcome of the phase may lead to the discovery of your sexuality. Everything in life is really just a phase, Emma, but each phase has many possible outcomes. I can't tell you if your sexuality is just a phase, but I think that you know the outcome already. This is who you are right now, phase or not. Don't let anyone tell you differently"

Emma nodded, her head was spinning, but she understood every word that Mrs Arense was saying. It made perfect sense. Mrs Arense was so very wise.

"In my opinion," Mrs Arense continued, "someone who is questioning their sexuality is almost always not straight every time. You may discover at a later stage that you are not the sexuality that you thought you were, but most people that question are not straight at all."

As Emma left the class as the bell sounded the end of first break, she felt far more confident about her sexuality. Not only had Mrs Arense finally answered the question that she had been struggling to answer for so long, and that had been eating away at her, she also realised that telling people about her sexuality was not so scary.

As long as one chose the right people to tell, there was no danger of being rejected or hated. Emma just had to study the person thoroughly before hand to make sure that it was safe.

As Emma was entering the next class, her good spirits were dashed, as she realised that she had forgotten her maths homework at home, and maths was two periods after this one.

Mrs Hendricks did not appreciate learners who so called "forgot" their homework at home, and without a doubt, Emma would get into trouble. Although it would be no worse than being scolded, the panic had already set in, and Emma was was unable to see the rational side of things.

Just as the Science teacher, Miss Van Wyk was about to greet the class, Emma dropped her suitcase and rushed out the class in a flurry of total panic.

It was most definitely not the best way to handle such a situation, and Emma most likely had only worsened things, but in that moment, all she could think of was to escape the classroom and make it to the bathrooms where she could sit and think.

As Emma sprinted down the passageway, hyperventilating and shaking as she ran, she turned a corner sharply almost colliding with Bailey for the second time.

Bailey had asked for permission to go for a quick walk as she too had felt the panic arising, and was just on her way back to the classroom, having calmed down dramatically.

"Hey Emma!" She greeted, immediately noticing that Emma was having an anxiety attack as she was familiar with them herself.

Emma did not, nor could answer Bailey. Her mind was far too full of irrational thoughts and imagined scenarios of what the maths teacher could say and do to her.

Without telling her to calm down, Bailey gently slipped her hand into Emma's and lead her to a nearby bench in the courtyard.

Silently sitting side by side, Bailey waited till Emma had calmed down a bit before gently asking what was wrong. On hearing the reason for Emma's panic, she never told Emma that it was stupid, but instead handled it a way that she wished that people handled her panic attacks.

"When is your maths lesson?" Bailey asked gently.

"Two periods from now."

"That is after second break. How about you just focus on your other subjects now and then in second break, we have fifteen minutes to do it."

"We?"

"Yeah, I'll help you."

"Why do you want to help me? You are wasting your time. You should be in class."

"I want to help you Emma, you are my friend."

Emma looked at Bailey, making eye contact for the first time since they had met.

"We are friends?"

"Yes, and friends help each other."