21) Friendship or Romance?: Emma

"Bailey. Can I ask you something?"

Emma's voice broke the usual silence that they had at every break. She sounded concerned, which made Bailey feel very worried too. She wondered if Emma was slipping back into depression.

"Yes, you may ask." She replied, trying to sound confident.

"Do you think that we really should have kissed?"

Emma spoke the sentence as if she was expelling a single breath of foul air. It sounded as if she had been bottling the question up for months, and truth be told, she had been.

Emma regretted that kiss that she had shared with Bailey. Things had changed, and change upset her. Their friendship was weaker than ever, and Emma was feeling so alone again. She hated it, and something had to be done. She could not lose Bailey!

Loneliness and depression went hand in hand, and Emma needed the company of at least one friend in order to stay sane. Losing Bailey could not only be a very sad occurrence, but also detrimental to her mental health.

Emma knew the truth about that kiss, but she was reluctant to say it, to say how much she regretted it.

"Can I be honest?" Bailey asked slowly

"Please be honest, I need to know the truth about us."

"It was great when we kissed, and for a while afterwards, it still felt amazing, but these past three months, our friendship has been dwindling, and I think that we can blame it on that kiss. So no, I do not think that we should have kissed. I am not blaming you, because like I said before, had you not kissed me, I would have kissed you. However, I think that we both made a grave mistake by kissing each other and I wish that we never had."

"Do you think that our friendship is still salvageable?" Emma asked, her lip quivering slightly.

"I don't know, Emma. I hope so, but I don't know."

Emma struggled to hold back her tears that day, as they sat in silence yet again in second break. She felt awful, and could feel her old friend depression creeping back into her mind. Her depression had been pretty good lately, it had not visited her every day, like it had done in the past.

She had seen the psychologist twice already, and the new medication that she was taking was working very well for her. It made Emma happy, but she was not happy that she could not share this wonderful revelation with her friend. She was sad that her friend could not share in her new found joy. Her new found joy was tainted with the mark of loneliness

The countless times that she checked her watch was an indicator that Bailey's company was no longer satisfactory, and it had developed into a relationship of very little benefit for either of them. This was something that made Emma feel incredibly worthless.

Things had really been going so well since she had started on her new anti-depressants and begun to see a psychologist. She was forever grateful for Bailey for having spoken to her mother and convinced her to get Emma the help that she needed, but Emma was not so sure that she wanted to live if things had to go back to how they were before Bailey.

Emma was surprised that Bailey had come out to her parents and not spoken to her before she did. She understood that it did not really concern her, and she did not expect Bailey to have told her beforehand, but she did feel rather hurt that Bailey had not even mentioned it to her.

Before that kiss, the girls had told each other everything, but now it seemed that they kept secrets from one another. Emma missed how it had been before the kiss, and she wished that it could go back to how it was, but she did not know how that was possible.

Mom was not home when Emma arrived back from school. She had taken Emma's sisters to some extra art class, and Emma assumed that she was home alone, something that she was incredibly grateful for.

On this realisation, Emma let go of all the tears that she had been holding in that day, and lay on her bed sobbing loudly into her pillow.

It felt as if everything had come down on top of her, that there was a mountain that she was under. The world seemed so heavy and it hurt her more than she cared to admit.

"Emma?" a small voice sounded from the open doorway "Are you okay?"

Immediately, Emma stopped crying, ashamed at having being caught in such an embarrassing and weak position. She turned her head and tried to see out of her tear filled eyes.

Through her blurred vision, she saw the small, blond figure standing in the opening of her room.

"Are you okay, Emma?" Katrina repeated, her small face the picture of concern.

Emma felt embarrassed. Katrina was the last person that she wanted to see her crying, and she expected her younger sister to begin firing insults at any second. She was surprised to find that Katrina seemed more concerned than sneering.

"I am fine, Katrina."

"Clearly you are not. Do you want me to phone Mom?"

"No, no, please don't. Please don't tell Mom that I was crying!"

"I won't. I promise."

Emma was really surprised at this act of kindness. It was the first time that her sister had ever done something to the benefit of Emma.

"You won't?"

"Yes, I promise. Your secret is safe with me. Can I do anything to help you?"

Emma felt as though she could be stepping into a trap, she did not trust Kat, but she sounded so sincere and Emma really just needed someone to talk to about everything.

So she told Kat everything... and she discovered her sister to be a brilliant listener, which was another surprise to her. She was so use to the scorn and nasty remarks that came from her sister's mouth, that she had failed to see that there were good traits in Kat.

Kat was not just a ruthless monster. She was a person, a genuine person, who felt, who experienced, who understood. Emma remembered that Mrs Arense said that people that were hurt, hurt other people, and for the first time, she understood why Kat acted like she did.

Dad's suicide had hurt her just as much as it had hurt Emma, except Kat had responded differently. Kat had responded by hurting others, Emma had responded by withdrawing. She realised, that Kat was not a nasty person, she was only a hurt person, just like Emma.

"Do you want help telling Mom about your sexuality?" Kat asked kindly

"Thanks, but I think it is best that I do it myself. I am not ready just yet though."

Kat had taken it really well that Emma was gay. She had just smiled and promised not to tell anyone. Emma felt that at that moment, her relationship with Kat had improved drastically.

Kat had even proven herself to be wise, suggesting that Emma and Bailey talk about what they wanted for their friendship and decide whether it was a romantic relationship or friendship and if it was a friendship, they should forget that the kiss had ever happened.

By the time Mom arrived home with Nat and Lee, Emma had dried her tears and with Kat's help, had come up with a suitable solution to her problem.

Kat never told Mom about Emma and Emma never let Mom know what had happened, and everything seemed okay.