Chapter 1

Was it worth it?

This Year:

He was gone.

Gone forever.

And I was the reason.

The reason for it all.

Was it worth it?

No.

 "Here," He yelled. A football landed in my arms. The perfect way to start a Sunday morning. I tossed the football back and He dove to catch it.

 "Come on, Kayla, aim it a little better," He encouraged.

 "Let me get my rhythm," I told Him as I caught the ball again.

 "I have to go soon. Get your rhythm quick." He put a mean spin on the ball, causing it to flop when I caught it.

 "Be nicer." I glanced at my phone to check the time; then tossed the ball back. 

 "If you have baseball practice, then why are we tossing football?" I asked, just to incorporate some small talk.

 "I don't know," He answered. "I should get going, though. Maybe we can toss football some more when I get home." He grabbed His duffel bag by the back door and headed to His truck. He had recently gotten His license last week.

 "Drive safe," I yelled after Him, His red Phillies jersey blowing in the cool September breeze. I headed into the house to watch tv after watching Him leave. 

 I called my best friend, Averie, and she walked over. Since she lived in the next neighborhood, it was a quick fifteen minutes. Although the one downside to it was that the huge neighborhood was home to known violence and kidnappings. Averie's mom didn't seem to care; it's just how she was, kind of like my dad.

 Soon after she got here, I heard a car pulling into the driveway. 

 I glanced out the window, half expecting to see Mom's car pulling into the driveway. She was due home soon. Instead His truck pulled in. I quickly turned off the music and tossed my sunglasses on the coffee table. I was slightly confused since He wasn't due home for another three hours.

 "He's home," I explained to Averie's confused look.

 "Who?" She asked, nervously tugging at the strap of her cropped t-shirt.

 His name wouldn't come off my tongue. "He's here."

 She said His name like a question, but my mind refused to accept it.

 She got a sympathetic look in her eye. "Kayla," she placed her hand on my arm as if she was trying to comfort me. She said something else but I couldn't figure out what it meant. His name ricocheted through my mind.

 He was here. He had to be.

 He opened the door, walked in and gave me a funny look, like He was trying to figure out what I was thinking.

 "What are you two doing," He questioned jokingly. His visible eye twinkled while the other one was covered by His chocolate side-swept locks. Averie just watched us, almost crying. "What's wrong, Averie?" He asked, tilting His head and grinning at her.

 She just stared at me. Why was she being so rude? Maybe it was just because she had a crush on Him.

 "Averie?"

 "Yeah?" She answered me.

 "You okay?" I questioned.

 "Kayla," she said cautiously, "What are you seeing?"

 "What do you mean?" I cast her a confused glance.

 She returned my glance with a concerned look. "Kayla..." She was on mute in my mind. What did she think she was talking about? He was right here. I could literally reach out and touch Him. He was right there in front of me.

 He tossed His duffel bag beside the recliner, grabbed the remote, and plopped down onto the coach. "Mom home?" He inquired.

 "No, but she'll be back soon," I told Him. "Why are you back so early?"

 "Eh, practice was canceled. Coach was sick," He responded.

 "Didn't you get a text?"

 He shook His head before answering. "I didn't get one. Must have been last minute." 

 Averie stood up abruptly. "Kayla, you are creeping me out! This is a prank, isn't it? You have been doing this all the time lately! Quit it! How could you even joke about this? Don't you care? If you don't cut it out, I'm going to leave!"

 He tilted his head. "What's wrong with her?" He asked me.

 "I don't know," I concluded.

 "Kayla!" Averie exclaimed. "I'm not joking! I will leave!"

 "What do you mean? I don't get what you're trying to say," I confessed softly.

 Averie shook her head, taking the hint to quiet down. "I'm tired of this joke. Why don't you get it?" Why didn't I get it? The real question was why didn't she get it.

 "It's not a joke. I don't get what you're talking about." I insisted.

 "Kayla," Averie's voice got even lower and more threatening,"Stop pretending. We both know He's...."

 "Stop!" I cried out. "You don't get it! He's right there! Look! He's right there on the sofa!" I glanced in His direction. He just sat there staring at the screen, not at all concerned about the argument going on six feet away.

 I tried to call his name, but it got stuck in my throat. A small croak came out instead.

 Averie shook her head. "Whatever you are seeing does not exist. Just accept it. We both know what happened." Her voice got more sympathetic as she spoke, but threats still underlined her words. "I'm going to leave now. When you decide to accept the facts, call me, and I'll be over." She opened the door, ready to leave.

 Her words struck something deep inside of me. "But..."

 "Just stop," she cut me off, turning to face me. "I know it's hard to deal with, but everything happens for a reason, right?" She tried to smile, like none of this conversation had happened, but it didn't reach her eyes.

 "Wait," I defended. My voice dropped to barely above a whisper. "You don't understand. You never had an older brother like Him. You never had a brother who played catch with you everyday, or helped you with your homework, or..or stayed home with you when you were sick." I reached my hand out to her. "But He's right there," I quickly added, waving my other hand towards Him.

 "He's really not," Averie replied abruptly. Then she shut the door in my face. I turned to Him but He wasn't there. In fact, I wasn't sure where He had gotten to, so I curled up on the couch and started to cry. Why didn't Averie get it? Sometimes it seemed like no one understood me. He was the only one that ever did understand me. So it seemed. But He was here; and that is what I kept telling myself as I laid there until I drifted off.

I screamed. Shots rang out. Someone shouted. I ran towards the sound. What was happening? Where was He? He had been right there a couple seconds ago. I couldn't think straight; screaming came from all directions. I saw him. I stumbled back. I ran from it. But I wasn't going anywhere. I was back where I had started. Back beside His crumpled body. 

Why? Why did this happen? Why?

 I woke up in a sweat. He sat beside me.

 "What's wrong, lil' sis?" His calming voice made me forget the dream or, rather… the memory.

 "I'm ok," my voice shook. His visible blue eye clouded.

 "You sure? That seemed like some nightmare," He stated, rubbing my shoulder.

 His side-swept locks slid away from His covered eye, and I had to look away. The eye was a pale blue, so different from the other eye. He flipped His hair back in front of His blind eye.

To be honest, I barely had the courage to ask Him what I was really thinking. "Are you alive?" I whispered, hanging onto my last thread of belief.

 Why?