The Return of Lady Carp

Fitz has been cornered by Demon Bear...trapped in Danielle Moonstar's worst nightmare...in his own home...controlled by a trio of telepathic elephantfish. Fitz is certain of one thing; he never understood Ms. Moonstar's fear of bears, until now...

If you ask me, he should watch a movie called Backcountry, in which the main villain is a VERY violent bear...

He wasn't as impressive as my own vision of Demon Bear, though. Not only have I not read the comic, but a movie that was supposed to be released three years ago has been re-shot, and postponed due to a certain pandemic that'd keep the richest crowd from seeing it, and... You're probably wondering what happens next.

Fitz holds his ground. The bear is huge, and his eyes glow. His jaws glow, when he opens them...

Moonstar stalks about, in black slutty clothes, with green illusory arcs dancing off her hands. She's an X-Force chick, and she's in control...

Nearby, a portal opens. Frank/Dick Milhous falls through it. The portal vanishes. With expendable effort, Fitz helps him up.

"Wow," Dick gawks, "I just killed DC's Ares! I just did in five minutes what Gal Gadot's Wonder Woman couldn't do to David Thewlis in..."

And, he sees Demon Bear. He gapes.

"Brother..."

"I'm not your brother," Fitz mutters. "These are all just illusions."

"Okay. What...is this huge scary thing that's staring at us?"

Fitz shrugs. "Of course you wouldn't know. New Mutants hasn't been released yet...STILL. This is Demon Bear. She's being controlled by that hot native American chick, right there."

Away, but not too far so, Moonstar is still on the prowl...

"Okay," Dick tries not to tremble. "How do we kill them?"

"I think I might know of something. It's risky, but... If Moonstar can control hers, hopefully I can control mine."

"Should I scream and run if this doesn't work?"

"No. This is an illusion. You won't get far. Farshad might save you, but...that's a big if."

"Well... I suppose whatever's up your sleeve beats staying here forever, wondering if Demon Bear's going to kill us."

"Indeed." With that, Fitz starts making hacking noises. Nothing happens.

Demon Bear stops, and stares. Moonstar seems confused, too. So does Dick. Even so, Fitz keeps hacking...

"Is...THIS what you have in mind?"

"Sorry. I haven't barfed since I was a child. This is going to take some..."

Demon Bear narrows his eyes, growls really loud, and raises his paw.

"Never mind." Fitz slides back, and vomits out Lady Carp.

She grows as big as Demon Bear, and faces him. All at once, the lights in Demon Bear's eyes aren't as bright as before...

Moonstar gapes...but the lights in HER eyes only brighten. She's feeling rage; not terror...

"Wow," Dick admits, "she's got one huge ass. Why does she only have one leg?"

Fitz shakes his head. "Long story."

Lady Carp gapes, with her huge carp mouth, and stares at Demon Bear, with creepy carp eyes. She generates longer and fleshier fins, and waves them around, like tentacles. They all assume scary poses, for Demon Bear.

Spooked, Demon Bear runs across the surrounding Wyoming wilderness, and vanishes.

Impressive; but the Bear was just step one. Now, Moonstar wants revenge... She marches out in front of Lady Carp, and generates more green light from her hands...and her eyes. Lady Carp doesn't seem deterred...

"So," she hisses, "you think you can deter, eh? Perhaps you'd like to see how deterring I can be!"

With that, she transforms into a rattlesnake, and outgrows Lady Carp epically. Around them, the illusion changes again, from the Wyoming wilderness to the Utah desert.

Moonstar opens wide, takes up Lady Carp in her mouth, raises her head, and eats her in one bite. Being an illusion, she doesn't take long to swallow her.

"O fuck," Dick trembles, beneath her, like a bug, next to Fitz. "We're screwed, aren't we?"

"Not entirely," Fitz tries to comfort him.

The snake glares down, shakes her rattle, strikes, and bites Dick's head off. Beside Fitz, Dick's corpse falls over, into the Utah desert sand.

"Okay," Fitz mutters. "We MIGHT be screwed..."

The snake strikes again. Fitz runs. She chases him. Before him, a hallway of stone arches rolls on. Fitz isn't sure how he stays ahead of the snake, but he does. Even so, New Mutant or X-Force mutant, Moonstar's no quitter. Every now and then, in fact, she's even a team leader...

It'll probably be Sunspot, in New Mutants, though. He seems to have the best potential for it, away from Alice Braga's Cecilia Reyes... Karma's not going to be in it. SHE led the team in their debut comic...

Fitz sees a cave. He runs into it.

He ends up inside a chamber. He looks around.

The ceiling is a dome. Beyond, there's an aquarium. A whale shark swims around in it. There's just something about that shark that...

Fitz still has his rifle. He thinks...but tries not to overindulge, because Cyrus can read his mind. Even so, he has a hunch. He aims his rifle at the whale shark, to test it...

But he can't pull the trigger in time. Moonstar's coils appear from out of nowhere, collect him, and drag him away.

She's got him trapped...and cuddled. Now Fitz feels like Aladdin, in that scene where Jafar's a cobra, and has got him trapped in HIS coils...

"Hoity-toity, Mr. President," Moonstar hisses. "Not so hoity-toity NOW, are you?"

Fitz scoffs. "Look who's talking." He looks around. "Do I LOOK like I take this much effort to capture...or even beat in an election?"

"Even so," she flicks her tongue, "without your precious presidency, you're NOTHING."

With the coils, Fitz trembles. Moonstar grins, and licks her fangs, with her tongue...

Alas, her eyes stop. Her whole body stops. Her jaws open...and stay that way. Deep inside her, tiny hacking noises are made...

"Ms. Moonstar," Fitz clears his throat, "are you well?"

She rolls over, releasing Fitz. Fitz leaps out of the way, and watches, as Moonstar does a hognose snake...in the body of a rattlesnake. Alas, hognose snakes only do this when they're in trouble. Fitz is PRETTY sure this isn't deliberate...

Within her belly, a lump begins to develop. This snake SERIOUSLY needs some Pepto-Bismol...

True to half of Fitz's expectations, her tummy bursts right open. Half of a xenomorph crawls out, bares its fangs, and looks around.

Nearby, Moonstar raises her snake head, and gapes, in despair. "O my fucking god," she moans. "Do I look like John Hurt to you?!" She fatigues, and dies.

The xenomorph climbs out of her carcass, and looks around, with bared fangs, and scary eyes. Fitz takes several steps back. It's bad when the xenomorph crawls out of a normal-sized human. But this one just crawled out of a snake that could've been the Midgardian Serpent...in a cave that SHOULD be running out of room by now...if it weren't an illusion.

Fitz watches, confused, as the xenomorph takes up a hat and cane, and starts dancing across the cave. He sings, as he goes.

He sings like the singing frog, from that Looney Tunes short film. He dances right over the fallen snake's carcass, and keeps going.

Across the cave, a portal opens. Lady Carp/the xenomorph dances right into it, and takes a bow, moments before the portal closes.

Fitz sighs, stands, and reclaims his rifle. He leans it against the cave wall long enough to dust himself off.

"Ah Cyrus," he mutters. "You never cease to overwhelm me. Even so, I want my home back."

All around, Utah rolls away. He's back in the aquarium dome. Above, the whale shark keeps swimming.

Fitz still has his rifle...or rather, alternate Harold Nixon's rifle. He takes it up, and aims it at the shark again...

"MARVELOUS duel with Moonstar, Mr. President."

Fitz whirls...and aims the rifle at the head of a statue of Jonathan, son of King Saul of Israel. Jeff Perry sits atop it, with his legs around the back of Jonathan's neck. A chickenhawk is portrayed perched on Jonathan's raised arm. As high up as that arm is raised, Fitz would've hated to be Jonathan, when he posed for that sculpture...

"I want my home back," Fitz demands. "And you will give it to me, or I swear I will take this knife, and use it to rearrange your bones into turkey style."

Cyrus gapes, and raises a finger. "You...DO know that that's a RIFLE, right!"

"DON'T YOU DARE INSULT MY RELATIONSHIP WITH THE N.R.A.! JUST GIVE ME WHAT I WANT, OR DELUSION OR NOT, YOUR ASS IS GOING ON A CHARCOAL GRILL! AND I'M GOING TO FEED YOU TO EVERYONE IN THIS CITY WHO YOU EVER FORCED TO RAPE EACH OTHER, OR FALSELY IMPRISONED FOR TORTURE!"

"You know, Fitz, I know you, and I realize you don't know shit about having a sister. I don't either. But one thing I do know is that they make some very bitchy competition, in the war for men. But in the war for your ass, roasted and served on a platter, like a pork picnic roast...I don't have to compete. I would gladly hand you over to THIS sister for free. Say hello to my little Sister of Evil Mutants."

From above, a mutant, with short blonde hair, descends, and faces Fitz. All around, the illusion rolls back, and switches to a dystopian futuristic Lincoln City.

Rachel Grey's eyes are bright, and lit. All around, blue lighting strikes, from black and grey clouds. A storm blows. Rust and ashes blow around, in the air.

"Great," Fitz mutters. "ANOTHER woman. Does my chief of staff really think that little of me?"

With still lit eyes, and for reasons Fitz STILL doesn't quite understand, Ms. Grey nods her head.