3. Last Night in Nalilia

That night I couldn't get any sleep, that was inevitable.

The fact I had to leave with no notice and the promises I had to keep had me alert of every movement, every sound.

The feeling still pampering in the air, as the walls wanted to squeeze me and I couldn't fit, couldn't breathe.

I revolted many and many times under the thick duvet, I cleaned my head of all kind of thoughts after meeting Lancelot, but it seemed like I couldn't fall asleep. No matter how much I dozed off looking at the ceiling, no sleep came to me.

I was getting tired of not being able to sleep. Tired of not sleeping. What nonsense.

I couldn't stay there any longer.

I shifted once again, my feet escaping off the side of the mattress, ready to cross the palace to the kitchen.

If sleep wouldn't come, I had to eat until I fell asleep. Something Lancelot would surely reprove about tomorrow when I'd wake up with a bad stomach-ache.

If tomorrow would come. If only that day could never come.

But it already started.

There were many things to evaluate and I wanted to stop thinking.

The kitchen was empty when I entered later than excepted. I scooped out the cells for some warm and filling food, having eaten sweets during the day.

There was still something my head didn't go over to process.

The disrespect.

I had to apologize to my Father. I couldn't say the same about my brother, being the mind behind everything. But he was right, I had no reason to hold a grudge towards the King, he always cared of the best, so he must have thought it was the right path for me as well.

Even if, I couldn't agree.

Maybe it was the best way to regain that immediate lost trust, having a chat, the last confident talk we could have in some time.

I wanted to serve my feelings on a plate and show them to him, I wanted to express how my heart was always looking for Lancelot, how living with him on my side created such personal presence I didn't want to lose. If only there was a way.

I knew it was futile, the choice was made by higher people and I couldn't bend it. There was no physical way I could disagree with a marriage made for the sake of both Kingdoms.

Peace was a choice, and my family, everyone, always wanted it granted. I could imagine the disrespect towards the Erule kingdom if I was to say "no", the feeling of betrayal from your own companion, the same I felt not too long ago from my family.

It could end up with a war, or uneasiness between our families. I couldn't bear people badmouthing the whole country because of my selfish "no" at the contract marriage.

I wasn't in a position to be selfish in the first place. I, we, had a kingdom on our shoulders we wanted to protect and let thrive. In the end, marriage was a label, who said I couldn't live my life as before?

I only had to get used to it.

I didn't know the Erule family well, I remember Seruel was the second Prince, so that would put us on the same level, even if I was sure he had the first choice. He could have said that "no" and stopped all this mess that was growing in my head.

He was a Prince; he could choose his fate and rules.

I was a Princess, a Prince' shadow. I had to follow their leads.

Maybe not everything was going well in this world. I could see the difference in the everyday life. I enjoyed my freedom, but I still thought it was unfair.

I wanted to tell my father it was okay; it was fine as long as I had their support.

And I wanted to lift all the weight I've been feeling.

I regretted not telling Lancelot about everything, I didn't like to keep any secret away from him. But I was glad we had our private moment. Maybe I could ask the King to have him escort me, or live with me.

If he wanted to give up his life to follow me, as if.

I took the long route, before reaching my Father's room.

The piece of paper I stole from the kitchen was all worn off and old. The corridors were faintly lighted up by tiny candles along the walls, my hand scribbling fast everything that went through my head in the final hours.

And a last goodbye.

I reached for the tiny silver key attached to my long necklace, always hidden in between my breast, and silently opened the door. The last thing I wanted was for him to wake up.

I could have slipped the letter I was holding dearly under the door, but I wanted to have a last look.

One last look at Lancelot' sleeping face. A rare sight I could enjoy in the past, getting tired from playing that we would end up resting close on either one of our beds. The laughs lasted until the next day, where Rylan or the maids were always surprised to find us together.

If only things could stay the way they are.

Did I have a choice now?

He was sleeping on his stomach, very usual of him, his arms underneath the pillow, hugging it. His hair layered on the side of his head, the waves falling behind. He slept quietly, his pink lips slightly open, his dark long lashes closed on his beautiful eyes.

I left the paper under his bed lamp and I moved my arm to reach his hair, stopping myself the instant before I could achieve my goal. I retracted my hand, holding them together tight on my chest and gulped.

"Goodbye..." I whispered- my voice cracked.

I rushed out the door, locking it again. I leaned my forehead on the cold wood, my breath too heavy, my body trembling.

I broke.

Reality hit me.

And tears were following.

I couldn't realise not seeing him in the future; his raven hair I adore, his light cheerful eyes always wandering to look at his surroundings, at each other. His slender fingers that would delicately touch me with much adoration and respect.

I didn't know how long I stayed at his door, soundlessly crying myself until I finally felt tired. Minutes, hours.

But I had another stop before I could put myself to forced sleep.

I dragged myself to the opposite palace wing, where family and guests would stay. But when I was steps away, I stopped again, and frowned.

The one ajar door confused me.

There was no reason it should be open, ever.

I reluctantly took steps further, maybe someone forgot to shut it.

Then why was I feeling uneasy? Why was I being careful, as if someone was at the other side?

"There are many guards with the Erule kingdom today."

I pressed my trembling hand on the door, a light squeak emerging when I pushed it open so I could sneak through.

There was one little light, coming from the centre part of the bedroom, the lamp overturned on the round table, the two chairs fallen on their backs.

Then I saw it.

It was red.

Red.

Like my eighteen-birthday dress.

Like my brother's hair.

Like my Father's blood.