Sky Log #11: The Dark Core

Sky Log #11: The Dark Core

CAUTION: Contains heartbreak and self-harm. The experiences in this story can be triggering for some readers.

Love.

A word so simple yet hard to understand.

A word that gets so misused that it is possible to simply say to someone "I love you" without meaning to.

After so many months, this is a piece of dark history that I could never overcome.

It was a part of the reason why the Lone Traveler started their journey in Sky. But, it is not the reason for how the Lone Traveler had become today. The person that I am now is thanks to the friends I made throughout this journey.

Today, I make peace with a part of it.

However, it does not mean that the battles will end. It will continue, like a wraith that hangs over my head. As long as I breathe, it will never go away.

There was once a time when I believed love was possible for me. A time when I was naïve. Unfortunately, innocent times do not last. All it took was just a moment to bring in self-doubt in my worth, my value, my very being. So much so that it made my core lost its light. From that time onwards, I never believed that love will ever be possible for me.

In summary, I and that person never treated love as how it should be.

The unintentional harm that came with immaturity caused a river of tears and sleepless nights. It fractured the self-confidence I have, to the point that it questioned my very being. At a certain dim moment, I once questioned the existence of myself, the importance of having me in this world. When the pain and the thoughts became too much to bear, I could only subject myself into the storm. It was a bleak time. I thought I could never get out again. I felt like I was stuck in tar, swimming vainly to keep myself afloat and not drown.

The Golden Wasteland was a perfect realm to mirror my emotions. The inescapable vortex of storm that trapped me inside. Krills that come after my light at every opportunity. Crabs, with a vindictive mindset, chased after my shadow. A lone flag tied to a forgotten spear, flapping listlessly in the cold desert wind.

I thought I would never feel the warm rays of sunlight on my fingertips again.

Until suddenly, I realized that this pain I was feeling was not worth it. It was like a snap. I don't know how I got out of the tar, but I felt like I was breathing in fresh air again. Unfortunately, just because I got out of the tar doesn't mean the tar is gone. The tar itself is sticky, it won't let me go. The only thought I could think of was keep surviving by one minute at a time, one day at a time, one week at a time… until one year at a time.

By the time I was completely away from the clutches of the tar, I got a core that never light up again. I became a Sky child cursed with darkness, which the seeds have taken root within my heart, my core. I was unable to look upon this world with the same naïve eyes again.

However, I was thankful to be alive. I was grateful to experience more of what life could offer me. There were just some moments when I would feel "thank goodness I live until this moment to experience this".

Of course.

The tar or wraith still hangs around.

Each test was a mental struggle, another night spent silently crying into the pillow, another day feeling inadequate, another battle waiting to be won again. Even till today, there are some nights when I wished I don't have to dream of such things.

Bittersweet dreams of having a partner.

Of dating.

Of holding hands.

Of kissing…

The longing to light up the core of my heart, never stops.

But,

I never believe love is possible for me again.

I feel undeserving of such things. I feel that if I reach out my hand again, I may poison it. I am now far too bogged down by the tar and the scars of the past. Love in my mind has become tainted. I only kept it pure enough to enjoy the happiness from watching other couples.

There are those who don't understand, who believed that if I simply try again, I can have it in my hand.

But, I don't trust myself.

I don't trust that I can keep love as it is. No matter how much I wanted to feel it, I wanted no part in it. I believed that I can just be a flower to be overlooked among hundreds and hundreds of flowers.

To me, I rather die than be in love.

How sure can I be if the love I feel for this person is the one for me? How can I know if the love I feel will last a lifetime? How can I be certain that this person is right for me?

So, don't look at me.

Turn away.

Look at all these pretty flowers.

You don't need a flower that is damaged. You can't afford to take care of such a thing. You can't even convince it when it doesn't want to repair itself. Don't overestimate yourself. You will only hurt yourself if you get any closer. You most certainly don't need me for the rest of your life.

Let me be the Lone Traveler in this life.

I am already content with what I have.

I don't need… any more than what I already have.