Chapter 19: Daphne's conflict in mind
What Bryce told me last night is still in my mind. I'm here on my bed, watching the waves of the ocean in the view. The sudden knocks on the door made me turned around, it was Mr. Smith.
"Good morning. The director told me to make this a day of relaxation since this would be our last day here"
My face lit up, "Thanks for informing me, Mr. Smith"
Mr. Smith nodded and excuse himself.
I went to the veranda and the hot rays of the sun and the calming waves of the ocean made me relaxed for a bit. I sighed and let the breeze hit my face. I'm stressed about what Bryce told me and the drama that spun around, I shouldn't let anyone ruin my day of relaxation. I went back inside, grabbed my bag and pulled out my bikini, and wear it. I grabbed my inflated donut and went to the pool to chill out. I need to chill out after the dramas.
Perfect. There were no people that occupied the pool, I instantly put on my inflated donut and sit on it, letting me float. I put on my sunglasses and put on my sunscreen, I never felt so relaxed. I want to get rid of my thoughts out of letting myself chill. But sometimes, when you are relaxed, it's the best time to think. A sudden thought of Nathaniel made me sighed, I'm having a conflict within myself.
Whether I'm just denying myself that I like Nathaniel or just avoiding myself to love Nathaniel. It couldn't still change the fact that Nathaniel broke my heart.
"I'm sorry but... I don't want to go out with you"
"I just don't want to date a girl like her. I don't want to sugarcoat it, she is plain and seemed to be boring that's why I don't want to go out with her"
Nathaniel's words back then really went through my heart, he is the one that made me think that love is impossible especially to a girl like me that is plain.
I was scared to fell in love again but thanks to him, I started to look after myself. He was also the motivation of making myself pretty and do the things that I can benefit from. I remember that no one likes to befriend a girl like me. Well, I have a few friends but turns out.. they are using me for answering their homework and other school-related stuff.
I exhaled and a tear streamed down my cheek, I quickly wipe it off. Why I'm crying over such a pathetic past? That old plain Daphne is dead, she swore not to bargain her heart again with pain.
After finishing high school, I went to college and started to be confident. I know to myself that if I want to be better, I have to get out of my comfort zone and start to change. Change for me and let them jaw-dropped of their own judgments that they threw at me.
"I couldn't accept your entry, Daphne. You don't have the qualifications for being the leader in this club. You don't have the reputation, the looks.. and you haven't influence anyone yet"
Those words from my teacher made me think that is it required to have a reputation and already influence everyone? They are the ones that made me think that no one believes in you, only yourself.
No one believes in me, that's why I decided to believe in myself.
It was hard but I'm glad I'm made it where I am now, an actress and everyone's inspiration to be themselves.
Then, there is Bryce. Bryce is...
".. I just want to say that I like you and if ever Nathaniel treat badly, I'm always here"
Byrce is sweet and the opposite of Nathaniel, he isn't a show-off. He just a humble person, even he is an actor. Bryce opening up his feelings to me made a conflict within myself, I'm still not sure.
Risking your heart to love someone else is the bravest thing you can do. Even though, I'm being complimented that I'm pretty. I'm still insecure. I still have flaws that no one knows.
We all have our own flaws and if I want to date someone, I want someone who dates me for who I am, not for how I look, not for my status.
A question came into my mind, "If I were to choose, Nathaniel or Bryce?" but I knew what would my answer be, "I'm still not ready to love someone else."
I'm still not ready to love someone else, I'm still guarding my heart. I'm doing the things for myself and only for myself.
Choosing who to love, to open your heart is a risk. It's not easy to love someone, it's not all about cute moments. In love, happiness and pain are twins.
If there is no pain, was it, love, from the very start?