Eight

When I wake up, I feel a warmth in my chest and stomach that I'd never felt before this. It felt really nice.

But, when I realize what I'd just cooked up in my subconscious mind, I start to panic a little bit.

Was that how I really feel?

My heart starts to race and my mind spins. My best friend, who I've known literally my entire life, was the subject of that dream. And he's a guy. And I'm a guy.

That can't be true. I'm into girls. And if I was into guys, my parents would disown me.

I consider everything that's been going on in the last few weeks. Maybe seeing Austin last night inserted him into my dream about my romantic struggles. It might not mean anything. But on the other hand, what if it does mean something?

Truthfully, this of explains a lot of things. Why I've never had big crushes, couldn't actually connect with Sammy, why I've been so confused.

Am I... gay?

My mind rages on and I simply stay in bed, being so confused and anxious that I couldn't move.

I attempt to calm myself down by unplugging my phone and scroll through social media. But, of course, the first notifications I see are from Austin. I put my phone down and sigh. Austin.

Austin Jacobs truly is my rock, and has been with me every step of the way. So, why wouldn't he be prominent in my mind? Doesn't necessarily mean that I love him in that way. Maybe I just have such a deep brotherly connection that it feels like that.

Who am I kidding?

I open up my phone and start scrolling through my camera roll. There's so many pictures of him, so it's definitely hard for me to defend myself. I open one of the pictures. He's laughing so hard his stomach hurt. I remember the moment. I made him laugh and I felt successful. Other people had a hard time making him laugh, but I did just that.

The next photo I see is him smiling into the camera with shining eyes. I feel the same warmth as I did when I first woke up. And the more I swipe through, the warmer it gets. I close my phone again.

And yet, the more I think about him, the stronger the feeling gets. Is this what having a crush is?

I start to think about all the little things we've been through in our long run together, and how much I actually care about him. I knew I cared about him platonically, but I didn't realize it ran this deep.

I totally have a crush on my best friend.

I sit up in bed, finally coming to terms with it. As hard as it is to accept, it's one of the only things that have really made sense to me lately.

For a moment, I feel somewhat relieved. It made me feel like I wasn't just crazy or irritable. There was a reason for me to act the way I have been.

But then I realize how unlikely it is that Austin will be gay too, and how it's even less likely that he would actually feel the same way if he was.

I also think about how horrified I would be to tell him about this. If I told him and he felt uncomfortable, our friendship might not ever be the same. Either way, things would change, and it scared the hell out of me.

The worst part is, I can't run to him and tell him about it without outing myself.

I remember another thing that makes my heart sink. Sammy didn't like me. She liked Austin.

Is that why I've been so on edge?

I sigh and try to clear my mind, since there's way too much going on up there for me to process. But, before I can do anything else, my phone buzzes. Naturally, it's also from Austin.

"Want to hang today?"

I really did. I always do. But the other part of me is nervous, and wants to hide.

"Yeah."

We make plans for me to go visit him for the day. It's good that it won't be in my house, since in the very least I won't feel like I'm being smited by God for thinking about him in a very non hetero way.

I head over and knock on the door. I can tell Austin ran down the stairs since he opened it while being out of breath. He smiles and welcomes me in.

"So, did you recover from being obliterated in our snowball fight?" he smirks, guiding me up to his room.

I smile. "I should be asking you that, since I was the obvious winner."

"Suuure."

We head into his room and I sit on his desk chair while he takes his bed. His room has his smell, which I realize quickly is something that brings me a lot of happiness.

"Are you feeling better today?" he asks.

I nod. "Yeah. I am."

"Did you figure out what was wrong?"

I hesitate. "Yeah."

"And?"

It's probably best I don't talk about it," I sigh. He nods and doesn't pry further.

We talk about various things, nothing super substantial. Every minute spent with him confirms my suspicions.

I'm in love with my best friend.

The way his hair falls on his forehead, the pinkness of his lips, the tiny stubble on his chin, the way he takes off his glasses... everything is gorgeous.

I have no idea how I didn't notice this sooner. Now, it's so obvious to me. I guess that's the way having a crush works.