It Never Ends

My mind is like an absentee mom

I wasn't enough

To receive the validation I deserve.

At the same time, my mind is here and it isn't.

She's here but how can I be whole

When I'm scared of her?

My mind digs graveyards for each version of me

That has died.

I reinvent, grow, innovative new versions of me,

I should be an architect for the magic I pull

When the first thing she messes up is my name,

I watch as the skyscrapers I built crumbles

Like my self-esteem.

What happened to me?

What got to a point when the exhaustion set in

And I didn't want to build skyscrapers anymore?

When I questioned my purpose to breathe?

Like crying on the bathroom floor wasn't enough?

Feeling my lungs sputter

Like a car going too fast it crashes into my rib cage

I hit my legs with my clenched fists,

Like a three year old losing a toy they never had

To be begin with.

I cry louder and louder, screaming into my arm

Finally making noise when I've been silent all along.

I never had a normal family

I expect something will change so hopelessly

But when do I get it through my head?

Even when he's finally gone

I never learn, I've been here before.