Music that is the Rain

I froze for a moment then got my composure back

"Hello, Father" I Say with a blank face and a slight nod of the head

I kept my head down and started started walking to the kitchen while my dad just looked around

He hadn't been here for a while so it makes sense but... why'd he come home?

He's been so strange sense the hospital he looks lost

At least he's not acting like an asshole right now

Once I get to the kitchen I am no longer in the mood to cook and just pick some crackers that look good enough and bring them to my room I lock my door and quickly go in my closet

My heart is hurting... and I don't even know why

My head is spinning

But I dare not make a sound

I just keep hitting my head hoping it will make everything disappear

Why am I even acting like this my dad has done nothing wrong so far

There is no reason to feel this way

It doesn't even make sense

I pick up my sketchbook and just keep trying to draw person after person but they never turn out the way I want

Yes they look good if you were to show it to someone they would be impressed but somethings wrong this isn't how it should be

I just keep crumbling up drawing after drawing

At some point it even starts raining outside but I just keep drawing

It takes me over 15 more try's before I give up

Once I put my sketchbook down I just held my head and stared I didn't stare at anything in particular...

If you were to ask me what I was staring at in that very moment I would probably answer I didn't even realize I was staring it was more like my eyes and my head were in a completely different place I was somewhere else

Once I came back to myself I noticed that something was running down my face I touched it not sure what it was and looked at it...

I'm crying?

Tears are falling without me even doing anything

I keep on brushing away my tears but they keep coming back I can't even escape them when I close my eyes they just keep coming...

But why... what's the point of this pain in my heart?

What's the point of the noises in my head?

What am I even crying about...

My mom always said if your not bleeding then you shouldn't be crying

And although I do not full agree with that I do believe there should be a reason behind the tears

But no matter how much I think and think and think I come up with nothing

I already cried about my mom, my dad, and all those mean kids from my past.

What's there left to cry about

Cause from what I can tell at this very moment nothing is wrong

Cause although my mom just died I knew she was never happy so from my perspective she is now in a better happier place

Although she is no longer with me she always told me that when you die you go to a place without pain without suffering everything is in harmony and everyone is happy

She told me that people have to wait till it's their time to go to that place

And I guess she finally got there

And my dad hasn't done anything drastic and for once talked to me without any anger or annoyance

So why cry the people around me seem fine, what's wrong with me?

With that thought I lay my head against the side wall the my closet and slowly fall asleep to the music that is the rain