CHAPTER 44: NOSTALGIA

Nat's POV

I have spent two hours packing and re-packing my bag. I know this sounds dumb but I have no idea what one should pack when they're going to kill someone and yes I'm going back to America.

Going back to America doesn't seem so inviting anymore and I am almost too afraid to go back in the fear of what lies ahead of me. Still, I haven't been one to run away from my problems and so I continue packing and re-packing my bag to kill my anxiety.

It helps, but not so much.

I sit down on my bed and count to three in my head and try to slow down my breathing, I pace around the room but I just can't fucking calm down.

The whole thought of this is scaring the hell out of me.

As I am walking around, my mother enters my room and seats herself on my bed and stifles a yawn.

I try to ignore her presence and open snapchat on my phone and try to talk to whatever friends I have there.

"So, are you packed?" mom breaks the silence by asking me this and I nod in return.

"You do know right that this is for your benefit only?" she says which makes me roll my eyes at her.

"My BENEFIT? Please tell me from where I am going to benefit here cause I sure as hell do not know! Telling your sixteen year old daughter isn't okay MOM! It's the complete opposite of it!" I scream at her and storm out of my room.

The nerve of this woman.

I read a few texts from the clan members, wishing me luck for my training.

I have to kill someone but first I have to get trained about how to shoot someone. In my case, I'm more likely to either shoot the wrong person or shoot myself. I have never ever had a good aim. So the chances of me actually killing Mario are pretty slim. Good for me he's sleeping like the dead or as people call it, he's in a coma.

But still, killing a person whose in a coma is still better than confronting someone and pulling the trigger at their alive and healthy faces. At least, when I am going to shoot Mario, he is going to be asleep and probably won't even feel anything, hopefully.

I know he has been really mean and rude to me but I had never even dreamed of inflicting pain on him in such a brutal manner.

Yes I hate him and I sure as hell want him dead, but selfishly, I want someone else to do the dirty work for me, the similar way I have been doing for others. I don't want to kill him myself and have that take a huge toll on my conscience and my mental health.

I don't think I could handle the truth of killing someone myself.

But I have to be the one to kill him and I will.

There's no backing out now, I am in too deep, always have been.

Well, I don't know how useful I am until I actually do the work but I think I'm gonna live with my gut feeling.

After all, gut feelings are guardian angels.

I'm just hoping I'm right about this one.

Also, I'm leaving Italy tonight. I'm going to someplace where there's this uncle of mine who is extremely good at shooting. My family isn't all friendly with their family but apparently there's no better shooter we know.

Unless I turn out to be better.

Haha, I should stop dreaming and start thinking about surviving.

That's my motto for now: don't dream only survive.

After all, if dreams really came true I wouldn't be living a shithole of a life. I've always wanted to be a chef. Cook food, feed others and myself. Basically, I want to feed the world's poor.

But that dream was shattered to pieces before I could even try to do something about it.

We moved to America.

My life fucked up.

The usual.

After everything, I've lost all faith in god, karma, fate, and destiny. I believe that if there was a god up there, he wouldn't let this happen. If karma existed Marco would be rotting in hell for shit he did to me but no he's living his life out there NOT SURVIVING. Fate and destiny are just out of the whole damn question.

I have given up all hope and that's what I've always feared: giving up hope and not death. Well now what's done is done so I'm afraid of literally nothing.

'Come what may'I think and smile.

Oh god, I'm so depressing. I need to get a life but first I have to learn to use a gun, kill Mario and get my boyfriend back.

Ooh, what a bloody to-do list!

I sigh for the fifth time and lift and put my suitcase on my bed.

Done!

Finally.

It's packed.

I change into presentable clothes and take my suitcase and leave the room.

I so won't miss this room.

I heave my suitcase down the stairs and find my parents standing near the doorway looking immaculate as ever.

They're too perfect.

I don't even fit in my goddamn family.

As we're about to leave I suddenly feel nostalgic. I'm reminded of the time when we were leaving for America and how hard I had cried.

This place was heaven to me.

Not anymore though.

It's too late for that now.

I didn't know how dirty my family was and what went on on the third floor. That's where the office is.

I always thought that my whole family worked from home and that whole floor was turned into a home-office kind of thing.

Now that I do know, I don't ever wanna come back.

But I'll have to.

That is if I become the leader.

I open the front door and leave the house without even saying so much as a goodbye to anyone.