Chapter Two Hundred and Nine - Blaming My Choices

"I love you Hailey," Emmy climbs unto the bed where I have been curled up since returning from the hospital.

Placing her head on the same pillow I laid on, she touches my cheeks lightly, her soft fingers, caressing my face lightly, like feathers.

"Why are you sad?' She asks softly, her expression matching mines as I felt her wiping away my silent tears.

Even though my heart is breaking and I cannot, for the first time in my life visualize a tomorrow or ever getting over the loss of my child, I reached out and pulled Emmy against my breast for a hug.

Hugging her tightly, the way Adian hugged me in the hospital, "I'm not sad," I lied gently, hoping my inquisitive little angel accepts my answer.

But hoping Emmy won't continue talking was hopeless, because she had something to say or ask and she won't stop until she does, so it's better to let her to talk.

"Uncle Adian is sad too" Emmy says against my chest, freezing me.

"He is always crying, like you, when he thinks I don't see," Emmy enlightens me, in her own childish tone and style.

Adian has been working from home since I returned from the hospital, while his father and Caleb has been working at the helm, until Jerry or Adian returns to the office.

"Where's Uncle Adian right now?" I whispered to Emmy.

Lifting her head of my chest, her eyes opened wide in fear. "Please don't tell him that I saw him cry," Emmy was quick to warn me and I kissed her on the head.

"I won't," I promise her, already trying to get out of the bed something I hate doing, since I got home from the hospital.

"Would you to watch some TV in your room, while I shower?" I asked her gently and she was already nodding in excitement at the prospect of watching TV, something which at the home, was an extra special privilege.

I walked into the bathroom and looked around, wondering what I should do next. If I'm on the bed Emmy might return, but if I'm in the bathroom, no one will bother me.

Since returning from the hospital, I took showers that were short and quick, as I try to always be in bed before someone tries to visit me and realizes I'm awake.

I don't know how to communicate with anyone anymore. I have lost my zeal and passion for everything that use to interest me, even pastries and food.

I suddenly crave the wine I love so much, but I have to get it from the supermarket, something I am not willing to do.,

I have been pushing Adian away every time he came to talk or hug me or just sit beside me, I kept turning away from him, even in bed because I am too ashamed to face him after losing our baby.

Undressing, I walked under the shower completely naked and started soaping myself. trying to wash away the guilt of what I did, causing my baby's death.

If I wasn't focus on solving the mystery of my past, my baby would still be inside me, growing, but no, I had to f**k that up to, just like all of my life is f**ked up, since my parents died.

That phone call threw me off and I started getting obsessed again, after finally accepting my father's death, my only desire was to see Ameila pay for killing my mother, but in the process, I killed my child.

I need to speak to Adian, even though I don't know what to say, I have to let him go so that he could get on with his life, because I have nothing to offer him anymore.

Facing the black marble tiles I was still able to see a blurry reflection and the mess I was in. I started crying once again, because the loss of my baby has brought on so many more losses, including my marriage, my career and my new friends, Adian's friends.

Sliding to the floor, I continued crying, because of me, Adian's child is gone and he is in pain and tears because of me and my choices.

He was so happy and excited when he heard about my pregnancy, a joy and excitement I didn't feel or share when we heard the news, because I was afraid.

Now he's hiding his pain and his tears and I don't know how to help him or even how to help myself, because I caused his pain and his tears.

I just sat naked on the floor sobbing for the hurt I have cause others.

They said I did something to my father and I don't know what I did and I suddenly wondered if I hurt him to.

"Hey, what the f**k Hailey," I heard before I was engulfed into the strong arms that I have come to know and love having around me.

Hearing his voice brought on more tears, "I'm so sorry for what I did." I cried softly in his arms as he lifted me of the floor, despite my wet body soaking his clothes.

Adian carried me out of the bathroom. "I'm sorry for causing you hurt and making you cry," I continued as Adian returns to the bedroom with me in his arms and walks into the dressing room, gently putting me to stand on the floor.

Without letting me go, Adian reached for a towel inside his section of the closet and started wiping my soapy body.

"Please don't" I made a feeble attempt to stop him but was overpowered by his strength.

Wrapping my body with the first towel, he took another towel and started wiping my hair, as gently as he could, "Adian stop being so kind to me, I don't deserve your kindness." I complained and would have slumped to the floor, if he wasn't holding me.

"Look at me, now!"