Firewalls

Mark spares one last look at him before putting his hand on the small of my back, for the second time today. And this time, it's a completely deliberate gesture.

I remember I didn't take the damned ketchup. I contemplate going back and just bringing it but decide against it for good. We were waiting for the items to get through the scanner, when Mark finally speaks. I was waiting for it, I am surprised it wasn't immediate. "So, what happened back there?"

"Nothing. I didn't notice that guy and bumped into him," I inform him with a shrug. His possessiveness sometimes borders excessive but I know he means well.

"He-is-a-really weird guy. I didn't like the way he was looking at you!" Mark almost snarls, looking over my head at the direction we just came from.

"Mark! He was entitled to some annoyance, alright?. You know how clumsy I can get." That's true. When I'm concentrating on something I can trip over my own feet.

Mark makes a weird face in response. "I didn't mean that. I didn't like the way he was looking at you." This makes me laugh. Doesn't he notice how everyone looks at me? Like I'm socially disturbed. I wouldn't blame a beautiful person for doing the same.

"It was probably because of my reactions that came complimentary to my super clumsy actions," I make a face, wrinkling my nose to lighten him up. He gives up and shakes his head with a faint smile.

"You still don't understand what I mean," He adds.

"Perhaps today is not my day to understand underlying meanings," I tell him, remembering someone else saying that to me a while ago as well. The whole encounter already feels dreamy. Since I'm not having another, I might as well think it was.

"What does that supposed to mean?" Mark's confused voice breaks my day dream analysis. His mood is back to all bouncy and cheerful so that's a good thing.

"It means you have to carry bags like you promised." I hand him the two heavy bags of groceries. He carries them to the car with ridiculous convenience.

"Are you free this week? For something unimportant?" He asks me while we exchange my car keys in front of his house which isn't too far from ours.

"Why?"

"Mom was asking about you. She very precisely told me to ask you if you'd come by this weekend." I don't do that unless I absolutely have to. Mark's mom, Emma and my mom Hazel were best friends back in Port Angeles. I remember growing up in the middle of their houses. They're still crazy about each other even with the miles in between. Ema shifted here with Mark after his dad died.

While we started to grow up Emma's affection towards me started to grow hideously s well. It didn't take me long to realise she wants me and Mark to be together. Mark's pretty uncomfortable about that too. I was almost okay with it in a life that used to be mine, what feels like a million years ago. Now it's just scary.

"She also told me to tell you to call your mom. That you shouldn't ignore her calls." I can tell that Mark was dreading this addition.

"I can't help it if she calls me in the middle of my classes" I inform him, hoping he'd drop it.

"Honestly El, you know that's a pretty poor excuse don't you?"

I let out a sigh, " I will call her."

"Tonight?"

"I will call her when I want Mark," I snap and walk away to my car. I don't need to look at him to see that I have hurt him, like always. He offers a short goodbye and I head out for my house with shit ton of guilt to deal with.

One of the many perks of living with fun girls is that they are never really home. I get inside and feel grateful to be alone. No one to see my fake smile fade into non-existence.

I do talk to my mom. Not frequently but I do. I even miss her sometimes. But that is never enough to inspire me to call her. As much as she is my mom and I love her, she is also a woman who never seems to let things go. She tells me to forget everything, every time ending up making me remember it more vibrantly. I feel sad for her. She raised me to be her perfect daughter. She wanted me to be all the things that she could never be. I loved that about her. I dreamt all those dreams along with her. But now it seems impossible to make her realise that I don't have dreams anymore. All I have are nightmares. So instead I get to my room upstairs, sit on the edge of the bed and dial the numbers I can afford.

"Dada!"

"El! How are you baby? It's been almost a week I haven't heard from you. I was going to call you tonight." I hear the transparent happiness in my father's voice as he speaks in his thick Australian accent. He almost sounds native now.

"I was a little busy with homework. The finals are closing in you know."

"Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that."

"What about it?"

"I was thinking. Well I have already planned it... what are your thoughts about me paying you a visit at your graduation. I wanted to keep it a surprise but you know how much I suck at it." That was all it took! I feel the moisture dampening my cheeks. I love my dad more than anyone else in this planet. He is everything and much more that you can expect from a father. Yes, he stays far away and it hurts to miss him. But the way he can comfort me even from miles away just through his words is something no one else can. The truth in his voice when he says that he loves me, that it will all be okay, that someday I will walk the roads and feel the happiness of memories, is too innocent that I almost believe him in the moment. He never wanted to talk about what happened. He wanted to talk about how it hurts. He knows exactly what I need to hear and he says just that.

"I love you Dada. Thank you, this means so much to me." I sob.

"Hey! Hey! El! My brave girl, why are you crying? Come on, you look hideous when you cry." I almost choke while laughing and crying at the same time. At least the crying jag slowly stops with his lame jokes.

After an hour of his excited talks about how his restaurant in Australia is running great and expanding and how my homework is being squared every week I feel light again. Like I am starting my fight to pretend to be normal with a renewed spirit.

"Thanks again dad! This will literally be my best graduation gift." I tell him, meaning every word.

"I can't wait to see you too El! I miss you. It gets really rough here, without anyone to call my own."

"I miss you too, only so much more."

"You should talk with her."

I sigh again, "I will."

"El it's not her fault, that's just the way your mother is. Just block out the words that you don't like and focus on the part where she will tell that she loves and misses you. Because she really does."

"Okay, okay! I promise, this week!"

"That's like my baby girl," I can picture the satisfied look on his face. His hair, a dark brown color with hints of white near the ears and the once handsome face wrinkling away the charm when he smiles but still strikingly good looking. It's been months I have seen him and I can't wait till graduation.

"Alright I gotta go now old man! Enough strains on your blood pressure."

"Yeah and hang out with your cool friends sometimes, send me pictures. You don't always need to stay ahead of studies. Get some air. Have fun but not too much fun."

"Okay dad. You are making it awkward now." He laughs in his airy tone that I love.

"I love you El."

"I love you too and you take care okay?"