Nightmares

It's 4.30 in the evening when I finally get up from the bed and change into my sweats.

Once downstairs, I grab last night's leftover sandwiches and finish it off within mere seconds. Lunch is usually the shortest meal in this house. Bella and courtney are out almost everyday. Even I'm not home most days.

I deliberate unpacking the groceries for as long as I can but when I finally do, I can't help but think of that encounter. It's shocking how detailed his face seems in my mind. It is almost as if he's right infront of me. This is new too. I see those dark gray eyes was too distinctly. Even that smell is at the edge of my senses.

Once I realise how pathetic this is, I quickly get on with the unpacking, set the stuffs in the kitchen and move on for good.

Soon enough I am distracted by the rude words of Mr. Darcy and the next thing I know it's dark. I close my copy of Pride and Prejudice and place it on the grass beside me.

There's a peaceful breeze blowing through the yard today. I look up to see the thousands of stars canvassed on the clear night sky above my head, the glistening makes it hard to believe thav're inanimate. But even so, they have something better, they have light.

Inside the lonely house, I watch the Television for a while and then end up scrolling through my instagram newsfeed. It's still early to cook dinner and having nothing to do is the hardest thing to do.

There's a new follow request in my Instagram. Miley_Reed, the ID reads. I recognize Miley in the profile and my eyes almost bulge when I see her 'Followers' label. Fucking 237k! I guess that's expected when it's operated by a girl that beautiful but it still doesn't surprise me less.

She's in a beautiful candid, wearing a huge red dress in the circle of her profile picture.

I am more shocked than surprised to see that she requested to follow me. She clearly didn't even like me.

I decide not to overthink this and hit follow back before returning to scrolling my newsfeed again. Soon I run out of patience and interest.

I decide to make lasagna for dinner, it consumes a lot of time in the making. I concentrate on the small details like the texture of the chicken or the cheese on top while cooking.

I am frying some diced up chicken when Susan and Courtney are here.

Susan is staying over tonight. She often does. And we stay up almost all night watching movies and doing makeovers.

They both eat their dinner with quite the enthusiasm.

"El, you should have majored in cooking instead," Susan suggests while closing her eyes as if savouring the taste.

"If only that was a subject in the California State University." I still would have chosen literature.

**

They both decide to stay in Bella's room tonight as she is staying over at his boyfriend's dorm. I don't like it when Bella does that. I wait anxiously for her to come home the next day. Something about her boyfriend makes me feel that way.

However, as I have got a room all to myself I decide to ditch the midnight party with some extra pills.

Susan comes in my room to borrow a pillow when I was just about to get to bed.

"Courtney insisted on watching some horror shit, you sure you don't want to stick together?" She groans, rolling her eyes.

"Exorcisms are hard limits for me, that's why I'm out," I wink.

"Yeah right! I know you don't buy ghosts. But I do," she makes a weak face. And I can't help but laugh.

"Oh and don't forget to check under the bed," I tease her.

"Oh shut up! Courtney's in the bathroom that's why I am here, I am not going there until she's out." I laugh harder.

"What do you do when Ethan's in the bathroom? There's no one to give you anti-ghost company there?" I immediately regret saying that as I watch her face fall with the words.

"Most of the time I'm the one giving him company," Susan says lost in her trail of thoughts. I feel an uncomfortable blush crawl up my cheeks.

"What's wrong Susan?" I ask her.

After a while of silence she let's out a deep breath before starting, "I don't know Eilee. Sometimes I feel so confused. Ethan was my best friend! Maybe if I had kept it that way there wouldn't have been so much trouble. Sometimes, I feel like I am wrong about him and it's too late now and that if I am wrong he will break me into pieces I won't be able to count. You saw how he was acting with that girl? How could he kiss someone else? In front of me? And say it was just a dare as if that lessens the pain in any way."

I reach out to stroke her arm. "Susan if you were given a choice to be confirmedly happy with your life, have Ethan as your best friend like before and in return never ever feel his kiss, his hugs again. Do you think you could have made the trade?"

She stares at me for a few seconds with blank surprise. "No!" She decides with a small smile. "I can never live without that."

Susan's hair is almost as long as mine. Although she wears make-up a lot I can rarely make out the difference. There's a slight hint of freckles on her nose and a permanent blush on her cheeks. Her face is a little rounded, babylike. She's sweet and pink, both inside and out.

"Then don't regret anything," I assure her. Ethan is anything but not 'not good' for her. They are meant to be.

"It's always a relief talking to you."

"Would you twl get over your sobs already? We've got a movie to watch," Courtney shouts from the other room. Susan rolls her eyes big time but gets up from the bed.

"Don't forget to tuck your legs inside the blanket," I tease her one last time before she sticks out her tongue at me.

"Haha," she let's out a sarcastic laughter and then I'm left with my silence again.

It's hard to sleep alone. With Courtney next to me I have to pretend I am sleeping and ultimately fall asleep somewhere through the pretence when my sleeping pills kick in.

But now I have to twist and turn and crave for a dreamless sleep that is never to come.

I was picturing a pair of exceptional gray eyes when I finally drift off to that same old coffee shop.

It's a dark winter night. But somehow Mark and I couldn't see the deadly cold side of this night.

We drive to our coffee shop. Well I drive! For the first time. Mark has been teaching me how to drive for a month now. Finally I am confident enough to make this 15 minutes drive on a winter night all by myself. Mark's constant instructions on the highway doesn't count.

Here in Port Angeles the blueberry coffee shop in this somewhat deserted place out of town is Mark and my little own corner. We always celebrate here. With the milkshakes in the summer amd hot coffees in winter. We're celebrating my new driving skills tonight. "Hand me the keys I will park the car." Mark says, stretching his hand forward for the keys.

"I can do that."

"Oh really?" He shoots a smug look.

"Was that a challenge Mr. Mark Jenson?"

"Well if you are that confident, how about I go and place our orders while you park without any assistance?" He proposes.

"It will be a relief not to hear your snorty remarks for a change."

"You'll win if you can get it there in one piece." He gets out of the car grinning.

I spare a scowl at his distancing figure and go to park the car in the lot behind the cafè.

It's colder and darker in the lot. I carefully park the car successfully not hitting any pole. It was then when I heard those voices.

A bunch of thick and loud voices come in range when I get out of the car. Soon it starts to get closer. The voices are so thick yet so weirdly pitched. I l

hastily lock the car and the headlights flash once in signal that it's locked. The voices go silent. So does my heart!

I start walking back to the shop as fast as I can when suddenly a light falls right on my eyes momentarily blinding me in the darkness. I reflexively cover my face with my hand.

"Oh hey sexy," one of the heavy voice calls.

"Look what we got here!" Its a different one now.

"Alone are you? Poor thing! Do you want us to join you perhaps? We are great company." A piercing laughter breaks.

The light goes off, blinding me once again followed by a deafening silence. I regain my terror and start running towards the shop this time.

A stone strong hand wraps around my waist from behind when I start to move. The fingers press into my skin. I open my mouth to scream when another hand comes to cover my mouth crushing it with the force.

Yet another hand grabs my car keys from my hand. The hands holding me lifts me up and starts carrying me away from the shop, away from light and safety, away from Mark.

I kick my legs, try to set myself free from the stone grip, try to scream my heart out but I can't. I am not strong enough. Not even close!

I hear my car door unlock. I mentally hope that the small beep sound of unlocking will magically multiply by a million folds and somehow Mark will hear it. I also hope that the hands will just start the engine drop me hard on the ground and run off with my car.

But none of that happens. Instead, I am shoved into the backseat of my car. The windows get sealed slowly and the doors get locked with a blink sound. The hand pressed to my mouth is lifted. I gasp for air.

"Look at you're! You are actually ass fucking hot you little slut." a voice breaks into the confined car. I can't see his face in the darkness and I am glad for that plus. Its just a thick figure hovering over me.

As soon as I have filled my lungs with air I attempt to scream. A hand flies through the air and lands hard on my face. I moan in the pain.

"Oh! How much I love spanking hot chicks like yah. Now if you keep your fucking vocals down I might get a chance to do that on your ass instead of your lovely face. Aight bitch?"

"Let me go, please. Take the car. Take everything. Just let me go."

"Oh I will do both sexy. You know you want me to," the voice laughs shaking his body.

"First thing's first! let's unwrap the covers, shall we?" I feel my heart skin. I find myself calling onto all the entities in this universe, begging them to save me.

But the hands start touching me. It grabs my t-shirt and roughly tears it away, revealing my body. I kick my legs as hard as I can. I scream despite the slaps. But he undresses my pants too. The hands crush onto my body, brutally wounding me everywhere it travels. I struggle with every inch of me, never giving up.

And then that awful pain hits me. That feeling of disgust overwhelm me. I feel like vomiting.

"You have a fucking tight hole you whore!" The voice says and then painfully widens me with his fingers as if trying to tear me apart. It works so perfectly. I scream in the unbearable pain. I scream and scream and scream. I beg him to stop. He does!

After the longest eternity in my life it stops. And despite the devastation and the God awful pain, I can't help the feeling of relief that floods me when it stops. I vaguely hear the door click open and close again. I close my eyes, feeling the gratitude that it's finally over.

I don't know what I was expecting to do after that but suddenly I feel a hand on me again. But how? That man just left. It's a different hand. Colder. I realise that man got out to let another in.

"Heard you give a good time bitch," this voice says. It's a little thinner. But still very strong. I scream again as I experience it happening to me all over again. Soon I loose the fight. I give up trying. I feel an all-consuming numbness build up inside me. That powerful feeling takes over everything else. I won't feel anything even if they kill me now. I close my eyes. The car is overwhelmed by the smell of cheap unflavoured alcohol.

"Oh! C'mon bitch. Just feel it. Move, will you? Fuck don't be such a lifeless whore."

I feel the weight lifting off my body. I hear the unclear conversations in my surroundings. I feel bruishing hands on me again and a sudden shout. The hands are gone. I hear Mark's voice. I tell myself to scream back at him. To tell him to help me, to come and save me. But I can't. I can't even feel the relief of hearing his voice.

Soon the thick voices trail away. I feel another hand. But a very different one this time.

It's amazing how only a touch in itself can define good and evil. This is the most peaceful part. When those soft caring hand pulls over a cloth on my body, covering it. The feeling of concealment after the violent exposure is something close to heaven.

"Oh my God! I am so sorry Eileen. What have I done! No! No, no no! What have I fucking done to you," the hands hold me closer to Mark's warm, safe body and starts to gently rock me. The smell of his cologne burn my nose, but I like it. I want to tell him that it's not his fault and that it's over. But I can't even open my eyes. I can't move an ounce of my body.

Instead of trying, I embrace the darkness under my eyelids. I let myself slip through. I am conscious of the fact that if I let go now, its over. The slip is permanent! I am holding onto the edges of a dark hole. If I let my fingers slip I will fall in a devouring darkness that no ladder can ever reach to bring me back from. I choose the dark hole in trade of the memories.

I wake up, gasping for air. These nightmares are the only memories of that night that are left behind.