Swings of Flavors

"Can we please stop at the ice-cream parlour on our way?" Courtney proposes nervously as we get in the car. I feel all three pairs of eyes boring on me despite all attempts to avoid the scrutiny.

letting out yet another huff of resignation, I give them all the green signal they've been 'puppy eyeing' me for.

"My treat," Susan declares with a broad smile.

"Now I'm convinced the apocalypse is near," Courtney teases her in return. Susan is the most socialist of all of us. She established this rule of always splitting bills whenever we hung out together.

"Looks like you'll have to wait a little longer to ditch your atheism. I lost this stupid bet with Ethan and I had to pay all the bills at the restaurant today. Since I'm not going that now, I thought why not buy you guys some cheap ice cream instead? I can only imagine those loners with food they can't finish and bills they weren't planning to pay."

"Then I'm getting a triple flavor bitch," Bella makes her long acrylic nails dance with the words as a gesture of resolution.

It already feels like the incident in the restaurant is a distant, secondhand experience, fading away with each jolt of laughter in the closed confinement of the car.

They sing along with a Frank Sinatra song on the radio with all the windows rolled down.

Surprisingly, I join them in the fits of laughter and find myself comparing this hearty drive with my recent one with Aeson. They each have completely different temperaments and yet it's all the same.

Perhaps, laughing your heart out and smiling from your heart, are feelings of a common origin. They both require you to be completely indulged in the moment right infront of you, with no worries of what was and what will be.

The euphoric realization is short lived when a trail of that thought reminds me of Mark's outburst. I've never seen him talk to anyone like that before let alone me. I turn my attention back to the girls. The things he said and to think of how much I've hurt him to make him say those things, makes my chest hurt.

We stop at our favourite ice cream shop as planned and load our cups with flavors. I go for my usual dark chocolate with choco chips, a duo that can never disappoint. Bella tries a new butterscotch and raspberry combo. We decide to enjoy the ice creams at our little meadow not too far from here.

The sky is a milky shade of purple and blue when we walk inside our own compact circle of greenery.

We sit on the low bridge making a small queue of four and let our feet shimmer against the cold running water.

"This is your first successful food experiment," I tell Bella while borrowing a scoop from her cup. The butterscotch mixed with raspberry and yogurt ice cream creates a blast of flavor that blends perfectly well together.

"Hate to agree," Courtney concurs with a nod.

"I'm sorry but my flavors are always insightful, you guys are just too earthly to feel them," Bella pouts and stretches to take a spoonful of ice cream from my cup.

We fall silent afterwards. Nothing tense or awkward, just a breezy and peaceful silence with the unfathomable sounds of nature filling in the void of human noise. I focus on the chirps of invisible birds, clicks of beetles and crickets, crunches of wavering leaves in order to detract my mind from thinking about all my pitiful realities.

"Girls. I was meaning to talk to you about something," Bella seeks our attention, bursting that delicate bubble of procrastination. She looks, uncomfortable, to put it in simple terms.

"Why do you have this 'please don't ground me' look on your face?" Courtney narrows her eyes on Bella.

"what is it Bells?" Susan adds with a gentler and panicky sincerity.

I notice that Bella clearly didn't want to seek this much attention. But the fact that she never starts a conversation with a foreplay has made us think it's something serious. Which it probably is, judging from her burgeoning pale face.

"Guys! Just calm down and let her speak first," I try to relax the girls into not freaking her out. I'm afraid Bella might change her mind and clam up.

"Did I ever mention how much I love you?" Bella asks me rhetorically with a grateful look.

"We're being patient here!" Courtney prompts impatiently, her spoon recurringly blending the already melted dessert in her cup.

"Yeah okay alright!" She takes a deep breath. "Here it goes. So Leo has shifted from his dorm recently. The apartment is quite a biggy and it's just off campus. And guess what? There's a supermart just downstairs," She finishes with a nervous smile.

We all fall silent as her little speech settles in.

"So you're saying that you're moving in with that tattooed maniac just because it's convenient and has a supermart nearby?" Courtney sounds a little more than just sarcastically pissed.

"What the hell! Why are you always so hard on me Courtney?" Bella snaps without any preamble, leaving us all gaping.

"Because that asshole has literally brainwashed you. C'mon you're better than this," Courtney throws her hands in the air in frustration.

"At least I don't dream about licking vaginas while living in a house full of girls," Bella's words diffuse a thick fog of shocked silence through the small meadow once again. I try to process what she said but it's insane.

"What?" Susan voices an outlet for my confusion.

"Why would you do that to me?" Courtney whispers while tears roll down her cheeks.

"I saw you watching those videos so don't bluff. You don't have a boyfriend because they never interested you. But guess what? I'm into my boyfriend and that's called love not brainwashing," Bella defensively crosses her hands across her chest.

"Stop it, Bella!" Susan exclaims.

"No why should I always have to stop? It's my choice whatever the fuck I wanna do and wherever the fuck I wanna live," Bella shouts back.

"Then why bother telling us in the first place if you can't handle our opinions?" Susan hisses back.

"Shut up." I put up a hand in the air intended for both of them. "Bella listen to me. No, all of you, listen!"

I cut bella off when she attempts to interrupt and start with a pushy breath, "Courtney said what she felt was the truth and honestly we don't really disagree with her Bella. But of course, in the end it's always your decision. You will do what you want to do. The most people can ever be in our life is catalyst. All we can do is speed you up or slow you down, point out what you are doing and that may seem pricky sometimes because people who truly care about you aren't afraid to call you out on your shit. And most of the time we don't even realize what we're until it's done and it's too late to turn things around. But whatever you just did to Courtney, there's no way it's right.

Maybe it's all true, maybe she is attracted to girls and we definitely are upset with her. Because she didn't bother telling us and that she couldn't trust the fact that we will be proud to love her just the way she is.

You know what the truth is Bella? That's exactly how you love her and you don't even judge her. Cause if you did, we all would have noticed difference in your friendship after you found out but we didn't.

So please, all I'm saying is stop fighting around like there's nothing better to do. This isn't us." I finish with tears lurking behind my eyelids, poorly but still hidden.

There's a small silence of contemplation, I assume, before Bella speaks again. "That's not the truth Eileen. You know what is though? I would have respected everything you just said. Trust me, I really would have if it wasn't coming from you of all people. You talk about being upset with Courtney but guess what? You don't have the right. Not when you are this pathetically boxed up woman who doesn't share a thing with us. I mean we don't even have a fucking clue why Mark reacted the way he did today.

You'd think this secrecy creates a mysterious aura around you and makes you look like a classic protagonist. But this is real life for fuck's sake. Here, it just makes you a delusional loser and only so much harder for people to love you.

You think just because we get drunk every night, we are dumb enough to not see through your bullshit? You use us to distract yourself from whatever the fuck you are frantically running from. Now, isn't that something to be upset about?"

For a moment I don't believe these are the people I have been hanging around for almost four years now.

"What is seriously wrong with you Bella?" Susan breathes out a disbelief. I guess we're all unrecognizable to each other right now.

"Just because I act all chilled and 'no fucks given' doesn't mean I don't know how to call you people out on your shit. I'm not the only fucked up one here you know.

We act like we are the best go-girl team ever but the truth is, we don't know shit about each other. And we have no intention of ever changing that for God knows what reason. Perhaps we never learnt how to trust each other after all this time."

She lets out a sigh of defeat but ironically, she seems the bravest right now, speaking out something we're all afraid of admitting even to ourselves.

Her words hit me like a sledgehammer. These perfectly 'human' people are all I got and maybe my mother has been right all along. Mayhap I do need to talk about it.

The inerrant choice is clouded by heavy fogs of fear and confusion. I realize I may or may not have the incredible amount of strength needed to break this cycle of denial and step out of comfort zone. But I do know that if I hesitate for one more moment I won't speak a word of it. So, I fist up my hands and let go of the rusted handle of control I've been clutching onto for dear life.

"I was raped," I find myself saying. It's like I'm intoxicated on some hormone. I can almost feel it being released and coursing through my veins, providing me with a numb sort of courage. I'm as calm as I've ever been when all three pair of utterly shocked eyes are planted on me.

"What?" Bella asks with disbelief.

"It's been several years now," I continue. "Mark and I went out to favourite cafe back home, celebrating something trivial as always. It was winter and dark, I went to park the car and that's when it happened. I didn't see any of their faces. All I remember are three dark figures and their hands all over me. I won't suger coat, it was the most horrible moment of my life and I have always preferred to avoid any sort of reminder. I am sorry I didn't tell you guys earlier. I couldn't. I've never talked about it up until now," I pause to refill my lung. It takes everything in me to say the words and not think about it. I know that the slightest distraction and I will be into pieces right now. But this time I'm willing to take the risk.

"El I'm so sorry! I had no idea--," Bella scoots closer to me, tightly holding onto my hands. The girls come closer too, the feeling of their warmth is existential.

"I'm not done yet. I want you to know all of it. Bella's right. It will be a lot easier if you know. It wasn't very long after that until Mark came and quite literally saved me. But those few minutes were somehow the longest moments I can remember. When it was over and I heard the loud sirens closing in, when Mark's warm hands covered my body with my shredded clothes, all I could feel was relief. Relief of those eternal minutes being over.

But that's when life strikes it's home run, when you think you've won the game.

Soon I figured it wasn't nearly over. Those minutes left their scars but forgot to leave the remedy behind.

I was diagnosed with haphephobia the next week. It's a phobic disorder sometimes naturally developed and sometimes triggered by PTSD, like in my case. With this, one cannot tolerate any kind of sexual contact. It's like my brain gets teared like rubber whenever I feel something close to it and it's the reason I never dated anyone. It's because I can't. I'm broken and there's no glue to fix me. I know I should have told you guys all these. But college was my one chance at starting over and acting like it never happened. Those looks in your eyes right now are exactly what I want to run from.

I am tired of being treated as the different one, as vulnerable and weak. I don't want sympathy. It always comes down to irritation one day. And I don't want to be anyone's reason for irritation." A small, sad smile shapes my lips.

"But no matter how hard I try, I always end up being exactly that for everyone who knows. Mark has been there for me not just in the literal sense but if it wasn't for his constant presence ever since, I might have given up on the way. It always seemed so much easier and even less painful at times."

I'm lost in my thoughts, reliving how Mark never left my side for weeks after the incident. It's true that I have spent nights thinking about giving up, there wasn't much to lose anyway. But I was a coward and I wanted to live no matter how fucked up that life was. And I didn't want to loose my best friend. Couldn't find the courage to hurt him like that after all he has done.

"Oh Eileen! I'm so sorry. We all are. We didn't know. Oh sweetheart, we didn't know you were going through so much everyday. I'm sorry we weren't there for you. But we are so proud of you right now. Everyone deserves to live Eileen, no matter how hard that is and you have earned it. We love you so fucking much we'd never pity you. God no! What you've survived makes you a warrior not a weakling. We're in awe of you, of all the miraculous strength you possess," Susan keeps muttering with tear soaked eyes. I want to tell her it's fine and that I'm fine now. But I had no idea I wanted to hear these words so bad.

"You know what girl?" Courtney speaks while tightening her arms around me. "I'm not gonna say that you don't have to worry about anything, now that we know.

Instead, I'll say that we will treat you just as we have treated you minutes ago. We'll tease you, appreciate you and make fun of you even hurt you at times. We won't change because that's what will truly make you feel at home, like you said. That's how you won't regret telling us your worst nightmares."

"You are the strongest Diaz" Bella smacks her fist on my arm playfully, "And Courtney I'm sorry for what I said, you know I'm a dumbfuck but I love you all the same."

"Yeah we all love each other, I get it," Courtney replies with a eye roll.

"Wait girls," I mutter, suddenly reminded of something else. "There's something more I wanna talk about."

They all expectantly look at me.

" So...with all that being said you guys know I've avoided boys since forever. But, I don't get it when it comes to Aeson. I know you won't judge me but there's really nothing going on between us. I would have blocked him out too but he can be really persistent and I don't know, I feel something different around him.

I don't understand any of it. I have no clue what my feelings are for him or if I even have any to begin with. But what really bothered me is that the few times we touched I didn't feel the cringing discomfort. I couldn't find any explanation as to why.

At first I thought maybe the phobia was finally healing. But it wasn't like that around anyone else but only him. And God knows why he has asked me out on a date. I have absolutely no idea what to say to him or how to turn him down.

Yeah, that's pretty much of the whole situation and I'm clueless through all of it."

I look up from the water beneath us and they all seem a little overwhelmed by all the information. Did I overdo it?

They blink several times before, thankfully, Susan speaks.

"I have two words for you. Let- go," she says. "You have been scared for too long Eileen. I think it's time you give your life a choice. You said you wanted to start over right? How do you plan to do that if you don't give happiness another chance?"

"She's right El. And I think Aeson is more than a perfect way to start the trails," Bella winks and I chuckle.

"You don't even know him."

"Oh you can trust me on guy predictions."

"Yeah right!" Courtney snorts.

"Don't make me start again," Bella glares at her. And finally the spotlight is lifted from me. As hard and unexpected this whole thing was, I can't help the faintest feeling of weightlessness. It's like the constant heavy stone on my chest is being given a gentle pull from upwards. Not relieving the blockage but definitely soothing the burden of living with it.

I let the cold water tickle my toes and watch the girls blabber about the silliest things in life. Sometimes the silliest things hold the power to make you forget the hardest ones.