Courses of Friendship

I step inside the house with a nagging sense nostalgia and uncertainty. But somewhere on the road today I let an inconspicuous dam of resistance break. A wall that was blocking all my instincts of excitement because I was terrified of what might await in disguise beyond that. So I let myself be animated and happily nervous for tomorrow. I vaguely recall his eyes with a smile, his dainty voice and eccentric accent, that sweet smell of vanilla and lavendar and fresh skin. And before I know it, I've done all the laundry, tidied up the rooms and made dinner early.

I next sit on my bed and take a refining breath before doing something I have been avoiding for a while now.

"Elieen Diaz! I have been calling you non-stop for a week and you think now is the time to call back?" Her sharp pitched voice transmits undistorted through the speaker.

I close my eyes and pinch the bridge of my nose before answering, "Calm down mom I was busy with studies."

"Too busy that you kept Emma waiting half the night for a dinner you never showed up at? You could have at least had the decency to call and cancel," She spits with venomous humor. It's not a surprise that my mother knows.

"Something unexpected showed up and I couldn't make it. But I'm not apologizing to you. I'm sure Emma will understand." I already regret calling her. The fact that I still haven't had the courage to confront Mark or Emma, doesn't make it any easier.

"You don't have to apologize to me honey. I'm just trying to remind you that you can't handle the 'Unexpected'," She says with a much conscious strike.

"That's sweet of you mom but last I checked I was still the one living my evidently flawed live. So stop acting like you get it better than I do." I release my gritted teeth and think of random things to calm myself down. The texture of my motley bedsheet, the wedding picture of my dada and mom I have stored under the bed, Aeson and his veined neck.

"Eileen I'm just saying you should lose focus and waste your time on a life that might not be cut for you," she ironically lets out a frustrated sigh.

"Message received."

"I really hope so sweetheart. I just don't want to see you suffer again, that is all."

"So tell me, how's everything else?" She attempts at casual when I don't say anything else.

"Fine," I answer curtly.

"Did you talk to Mark? He seemed pretty upset," Yep, Mark talks to my mother more than I do.

Guilt and irritation courses through me simultaneously. I know I should be with Mark right now, apologizing and explaining stuff I can't explain. Then again, if he's upset he should've taken it up with me instead of ratting me out to my mother like we're still fucking five year olds.

All that aside, I don't find myself regretting doing what I did last night. Guilt and regret are not the same, as opposed to what we quite often think.

I save my emotional roller-coaster for later and concentrate on surviving the conversation in hand.

"I will talk to Mark soon," I answer her dismissively.

"You still haven't talked to him yet?" She pretends to freak out in her piercing, exasperating tone.

"What is wrong with you Eileen?" I can almost see her shaking her head in disapproval. It takes everything in me to not hang up on her.

"That boy has done nothing but care about you. Whenever you needed him he was there before you realized it. I hope you didn't forget what he did for you? If it wasn't for him those--"

"For fuck's sake mom! Stop bringing up that fucking incident every time we talk. Don't you ever get tired of the pretence?"

"You can fight with me all you want. Or you can just accept that that incident is a part of your life now. You can't make everything bad disappear by just burying your head under the sand. You need to talk about it to actually move on from it," She sounds so calm like she's narrating her script in a well rehearsed play. Her composure vexes me even more.

"Or we can just not talk instead," I disconnect the call. Of course she calls back. I dump my phone on the bed and get up to change.

I have decided to see Mark and Emma before I find myself another distraction.

I have been deliberately dodging confronting Mark. I know it won't take more than a few minutes to put this behind us. That's just how we are. And still, for reasons I can't fathom, I just want to pretend like last night didn't happen.

I put on my denim overall, grab my purse and then remember I still don't have my car.

Pushing back thoughts of Aeson that come lingering with this particular chain of event, I call Robert.

Turns out he was already on his way here to pick me up in my car. Today is one of those occasional hangouts where it's just us, laughing our problems away at some cheap restaurant. Since Mark will be there too, I decide to tag along.

Having nothing to do, I idly scroll through Instagram while waiting for Rob. A picture of Miley with Aeson pops up on the feed. She is wearing a yellow swim suit and Aeson is in gray shorts. The intricately built muscles of his chest are dangerously exposed, his hair messed up in thick strands by the water. They are at some beach with barely any people in the background.

Miley is trying to put her arms over Aeson and he looks irritated by the gesture but in a good way. The picture looks very real and beautiful and somehow a complete misfit to my conceptions of them. I didn't know Miley and Aeson were this close.

Before I could work myself up pondering over the two of them, Robert slams through the door with half a bar of chocolate stuffed in his mouth. It's such a weird combination but the sight triggers a restless sense of Déjà vu in me. A second of that feeling and then it evaporates like a dream lost into the devouring realm of subconscious.

"You didn't even know the door was open," I snap out of my frustrating whirlpool of thoughts and scowl at his grinning face. "Why the fuck would you hit it so hard?"

"I was in a mood for dramatic entrances." When that doesn't impress me he feigns an expression of hurt. "Can't a man just have his fun Diaz?"

I roll my eyes before getting up and grabbing my purse from the kitchen table.

"Now don't forget to lock the door this time," he reminds me with a wink.

"Your little stunt made it's point."

Robert is always the lightest company to be with. He's easygoing and usually very predictable to be with. He's the kind to speak his heart and make jokes out of everything you throw his way.

"So...," He whistles out the word as we drive out of the middle class residential.

"What?"

"What's with that edible guy last night?" I had to see this coming but I didn't.

"What guy?" I nervously blat. That's certainly not my best comeback but hey, it gives me time to prepare a somewhat decent explanation. It's harder when I don't actually have one myself.

"Now I'm positive there's a story here," he says with a triumphant face as if my response somehow absolutely proved his whatever theory. I roll my eyes at him again.

"You're not talking about Aeson, are you?" I play along with my half-assed 'dumbfounded' act.

"How is it always the rich sexy bastards who find these gorgeous names?" He asks rhetorically.

"It's probably a rich parent thing."

I think the conversation died there. I try miserably to talk about his non existent love life and even video games but he eventually reminds me I haven't answered his question yet.

"Jesus! He's just a random guy I happened to coincidentally bump into a few times."

"I don't believe in coincidences when it's a ball wrecking hot guy in question. You cling onto this kind of hot mess for life sweetheart."

"Forgive me if I don't take relationship advice from your lonely gay ass."

"So you're telling me you're still not dating him?"

"No Robert I'm not dating Aeson."

"You should. You guys are obviously attracted to each other. Single or otherwise I have an excellent attraction radar. And God knows why but the guy was clearly into you."

"I wouldn't be too sure," I tell him with a small sigh. He and I, it still feels like concepts from two different era being forced into one bizarre compilation.

"Whatever bro it's your call. But if I were you, I'd go for it. You've avoided attachments for far too long. You need to get laid," He gently fist bumps my shoulder and I softly hold my breath while letting on a smile. I know that's the end of this conversation.

The rest of the ride is light and airy, the way Rob is most of the time.

We find the squad sitted around the corner most table in the compact yellow setting of McDonald's. I didn't expect to see Miley here too, sitted beside Mark who gives me a curt smile when I go and sit on his other side.

"I thought you weren't coming," Miley shoots ms a smile that's way too warm to be natural.

"I wouldn't have," I decide to tread the lighter zone and make a face at Robert. "This guy practically kidnapped me in my own car." He grins and winks.

"Now let's order something, I'm starving," he goes on to change the topic and all my irritations from his earlier intrusions are gone in a flurry.

"We've been sitting here for more than 10 minutes now. Isn't it obvious we have already ordered?" I blink at Mark. It's hard to believe the words just came out of him. I don't remember the last time I've heard him be this crude to anyone.

"Someone's got their panties in a bunch," Bella whispers loud enough for all of us to hear.

"Mark," I finally convene the courage to confront him because this is clearly him being mad at me.

"Yeah?" He answers like he didn't just leave everyone wondering what's wrong with him.

"I wanted to apologise for last night," I start nervously, shifting guilty glances between him and the knotted fingers on my lap.

"Apology accepted," he says with the same curt smile from earlier.

"Oh Mark! You know I wasn't planning on it." I carefully hold onto one of his wrists as a gesture of persistence.

"Bella left her purse in my car, I went back to return it and then I got, a little caught up." I struggle with words to appropriately describe the situation without lying. But I can hardly supress the guilt of wanting to lie to him in the first place. That somehow seems easier.

Mark snatches away his hand from under mine and lets out a snort. I wasn't prepared for that. I gape at him, startled and suddenly terrified of losing him.

"By caught up do you mean hanging out with a 'sex god' in Bella's words while me and mom were waiting for you and Meyer was making you his very first muffins that he learnt to bake specially for you?" His voice gets louder with every word and by the time he finishes everyone around our table is staring. The waiter in charge was on full alert by now, ready to call security if need be.

"Mark," I whisper, my cheeks burning like crazy. "I'm so sorry. I didn't know he would be there and I couldn't refuse him, it was just weird. I really didn't mean for it to turn out like this. I was going to go," my voice trails off, aware of the fact that now everyone is listening. It's like I'm on stage with everybody watching and have no idea what my next line is.

"I didn't know you had problems refusing guys Eileen. What happened? Never found someone this hot before? Or is it that you are interested in dating now?" Every single word he says pricks my heart like needles of shock. I can only imagine how wide my eyes are right now, staring at him in bewilderment.

"Mark what the fuck dude?" Courtney speaks from the other side of the table. I'm too stunned to even turn my head. "Why are you making such a big deal out of this? She just missed a damn dinner for fuck's sake."

"Am I now Courtney? Making a big deal out it? Well guess what? You don't know shit. She has always hated my mother so she might as well just say it out loud."

I feel tears stream down my cheeks now. I don't want to break into fits of tears here. So instead of making anymore of an embarrassing clown out of myself, I get up and start walking towards the door. I vaguely hear a few of them get up and follow me but I don't stop until I'm out of the restaurant and in front of my car. Courtney, Bella and Susan catches upto me there.

"It's okay, you guys," I manage to tell them, "I'm okay. I just wanna go home, please."

"Then we're coming with you," Bella states.

She speaks again before I can tell her to leave me alone. "Look El, we promise we won't talk about it but you can't argue on us being there for you. Besides, it's been a while since we had an actual girls' night out and we're doing this now and we're doing this today and you, young lady can't spoil it." She keeps on saying and the girls just nod in sync.

"Perfect," I mutter with a sigh. I am not sure if I want to, if I can do this right now. But I sure as hell don't want to think about what just happened in there.