Control

Was it days or weeks that went by? Maybe it was years. I still wasn't used to the lack of time in this place. Regardless, I continued my exercises.

It started off small—tiny ripples in the void. Eventually, I was able to create simple things like pens and a toothbrush. It was the most difficult thing I'd ever had to do. It was also the most rewarding.

As I sat down on a comfortable chair in an opulent room, I smiled down at the rainbow in my outstretched hand.

Millions or maybe billions of times, I attempted to squeeze order from chaos. Every attempt, whether successful or unsuccessful helped develop my focus and strengthen my resolve.

It was painful at times. Not physically painful, but emotionally painful. When my resolve was strong, I had to abandon all other things. I couldn't consider the consequences. I couldn't put my guard up just in case it didn't work out. I couldn't plan my next move. There was no future. There was only now. There was only what I wanted to be/feel/accomplish.

If I wanted revenge, I couldn't worry about morality.

If I wanted to hate, I couldn't worry about forgiveness.

If I wanted to love, I couldn't worry about heartbreak.

If I wanted to live, I couldn't worry about regret.

Many thoughts floated in my mind as my resolve grew so solid that it became an entity in itself. As I progressed, I slowly grew to understand how complex such a simple thing was.

But I finally succeeded. With my resolve, I was able to create such an orderly place out of an abyss of chaos.

I'd created a singular room. The room wasn't large, but it was ornate with crown molding in the shape of ocean waves that looked so real you could drown just by looking at them. I created a crystal chandelier that refracted rays from a light golden light. There was a fireplace, which produced enough heat to melt the Arctic. The walls were covered with paintings found in the Smithsonian. The carpet was an antique Persian rug. The table before me had a glass top, held aloft by marble with gold-infused table legs. The chair I was sitting in was the most comfortable chair I'd ever had. It was deep with a high back. It was full leather and smooth but smelled of vanilla. It was divine.

Additionally, as an additional exercise, I shrunk the misty mass down from the size of a planet into the size of a living room wall. It fit perfectly within this small space.

As I glanced at the misty mass, I continued bouncing the tiny rainbow on the tips of my fingers. I smiled. I was so proud of myself.

In the center of the mass was a pulsating red light. It was dark as blood and held a sense of malignancy. Sharing that space was a brightly pulsating golden light. The light was bright but was also much smaller than the red light. They both seemed connected yet at odds with each other.

"It's time."

I flicked my wrist and the rainbow floated away. I placed it above the chandelier. Now the light-infused in the room was multihued with a golden twinge. It was lovely.

I walked towards the other side of the room. I had a sense that the mist was no longer averse to me approaching it. If anything, it felt like it was a little relieved upon seeing my growth.

As I stood before the floating orb, I held out my hand. This time, it didn't shrink away. My fingers brushed against it and I felt a tingle in my back.

"Oh my!"

I tried touching in a different place. This time my knee tingled.

"Ah. I get it." The mist and the lights represented me. That was why the mist seemed sentient. It was my existence.

"So, that means…" The pulses were the diving sparks in my soul. But why were they different colors? The golden spark, although small was warm and loving. It reminded me of Calypso. The red spark was different. It was deep and filled with negativity like rage and desperation. It was the larger of the two. It could only be the spark I received from Kokopelli, but it didn't feel like him at all. It felt distinctly Kyah-like. It felt like me!

I needed to get closer. I walked forwards and after a slight resistance, I entered the mist.

How do I describe it? The experience was very meta. I was watching myself watch myself. I was observing myself observing myself. It was pretty cool.

While standing in the mist, I had a greater understanding of my soul. I was connected to my sparks in a way that went beyond personable. It was my soul—they were a part of me.

I made it close to the center but I didn't enter. Before I had the chance, the red and golden lights lashed out. Each stabbed me right in my forehead, directly between my eyes.

My world changed.

At that moment, so much information was flying past me that it nearly made my mind melt. Flashes of memories I never had before came and went in a blur. Understandings so esoteric that, if released, could destroy the world bombarded my brain making my entire existence shutter. I couldn't hold on to those thoughts. They were too deep and mysterious. I felt like I'd just waked from a dream. The dream seemed so important; it was screaming at me to remember it. But I couldn't. As the moments passed by, the memories became vague until they were mostly collections of dim images in my mind. Then they were gone.

Almost.

"Holy Goddess!"

While I was despising the fact that I couldn't hold on to those thoughts, one vague thought remained.

When I thought about it, I was astounded. I was amazed. I was fucking stoked! This was a game-changer. It would make everything so much easier.

The lights floated back to the center of the mass. Each seemed oddly pleased with themselves. Both continued to pulsate in rhythm with my heartbeat, but it was like they were doing a happy dance. Even the angry red pulse was satisfied. It made me smile. I walked out of the mist and turned around.

The mist was gone. Of course, it didn't fly off into space. I knew what happened. I needed that visualization to get started on my path. Now that I had a shallow understanding of the mist, I knew what it really was and how it related to me. I didn't need a visual aid any longer. It was all inside of me. If I concentrated, even a little, I could sense it. I could sense the red and golden sparks. I could feel their growth. I could feel their strength. I could feel them slowly integrate with my being.

"I wonder what will happen when they integrate completely."

I took one final look at the room I'd created and smiled.

"It's time to head back."

After my training in Pandora, I understood how to return at any time. This was my world. It was my own private space. If I wanted to, I could even prevent the other gods from visiting. I didn't do that. I didn't have anything to hide.

I smiled one final time and then the world changed around me.

…

I was naked and standing in the middle of the locker room. There was no longer a triangular wound on my stomach. So many moments passed in Pandora, but not even a nanosecond passed in the real world.

I'd changed and grown. I held out my hand. A red light flashed. I smiled.

"Things are going to get really interesting now."

After getting dressed, I left the Recreation Building. I looked forward to testing out a few new tricks.