The Red Pulse

I was tired. For the first time since I turned into a vessel, I felt like an average, every day, overworked, and stressed out girl. After everyone cleared out of the locker room, I stood there for what felt like forever. I was fuming. I was so angry that my body was shaking.

What had nearly happened to me was the epitome of the privileged versus the unprivileged. Celeste used her money and her family's connections to buy off a cop. That cop was more than willing to do whatever she had to do to get me alone so that Celeste and her hit squad could do away with me.

If it wasn't for the fact that I could change my body, I'd be pretty screwed right now. I'd probably be in the back of some squad car getting close and personal with a baton while Celeste laughed in the background.

"Those fucking bitches!" It wasn't enough that I was beaten by her for years. It wasn't enough that she bullied and assaulted me like I was worthless in her eyes. And after finally standing up for myself, it wasn't enough that I'd given her a clear warning after her first set of hired assailants failed.

She wasn't done with me. Fine. I wasn't done with her either.

"I didn't punish her enough. I didn't hurt her enough. I didn't break her enough!"

I was getting progressively worked up. My muscles and tendons were tightening. My eyes were shaking. My teeth were grinding. The angrier I became, the more my body reacted. Rage. I felt an endless pool of rage. It started in my stomach and then spread through my body like hot lava.

I could feel it scalding, burning, and destroying every inch of my body. But I didn't care. There was something freeing in embracing that feeling. It was felt like shackles had been released. The things that were holding me back no longer did—at least, that's how it felt.

I wanted to tear things apart. I wanted to destroy everything. I wanted to get lost in this wonderful feeling of rage. I wanted it to consume me. I wanted it to get rid of my naïvety. I wanted it to help me grow—to change me.

Rip!

Like a torn page from a book, I heard a sound, which was loud and distinct. I looked around but there was no one there but me.

Rip!

Where was that sound coming from? What was this heat that I was feeling? Where was this sudden pain in my abdomen coming from?

Rip!

I looked down. On my stomach, right above my navel were 3 large wounds. I don't know how they got there. I don't know why they appeared. But what I did know was that the ripping sounds was the sound of my skin tearing apart.

The pain was awful, but it was drowned out by the fire of rage inside of me.

The 3 tears made a triangle. They were separated at first. But as I watched, the tears grew longer until each side touched. It was like it was meant to be.

When they finally touched, my entire world went black.

…

…

…

When I came to, I was floating in outer space. It was similar but slightly different from that time I was first in Pandora. It was similar in the sense that I was floating in a void. It was different in the sense that I was floating towards something.

I looked down at my stomach, expecting to see 3 lines forming a bloody triangle. There was nothing there. I let out a sigh of relief.

In the distance, there was a mass. It was a large gray misty mass, which contained a pulsating red glow. It pulsated with the beating of my heart. As I floated closer, the mist grew thicker. I got the impression that the mist was a part of me, but that it didn't accept me. When I tried to pry into its depths to see what that red pulse was, it responded by becoming so thick that it was impossible to see an inch inside of the mist.

This wasn't the first time I saw this mist. I'd had a dream a few days ago but it was nothing like this. At that time, the red pulse was barely visible. Now, it was still murky, but the size of it had grown. If the mist was the size of a house, the red pulse started around the size of a fava bean. Now that pulse would be considered the side of an adult and it was still growing.

"What the hell is going on?"

There was a darkness to the pulse. It was almost like bloodlust. And it was slowly taking over the gray mist.

I'm not sure why, but I felt like the gray mist was glaring at me with betrayal in its [nonexistent] eyes. Why was I getting the impression that this mass before me was sentient?

I was floating closer and closer to it. I was so close that I could nearly touch it. But each time I tried the mist would pull away. It moved as if it loathed me.

"Quite the intelligent ball of precipitation. Huh?"

I kept trying but nothing I would do could get me close. If this was my kingdom or my Pandora, I was a self-loathing monarch with a flair for the abstract. I was kind of irritated with myself.

"Think, Kyah. Think!"

I closed my eyes and floated. Now that I was here, I couldn't leave without at least touching the damn thing. Besides…why was I here? Unlike last time, no wizened god showed up to give me a tutorial.

I floated around with my eyes shut tight. I wasn't concerned about the time. I wasn't concerned about anything but touching that angst-filled ball of mist.

I tried copying what Kokopelli did and waved my hand in an imperious manner.

Nothing.

I tried squinting my eyes at it and concentrating really hard.

Nothing.

All that led to was a slight headache.

I tried rushing forwards.

Nothing.

I tried hanging back and acting like I wasn't interested.

Nothing.

I tried a thousand things ranging from the ridiculous (I tried calling it names to incite it to attack me) to the even more ridiculous (I tried sweet talking it to make it attack me in a different way).

Everything I tried failed.

In Pandora, time didn't exist. So, it's not right to say that I had all the time in the world. It was more like I had an infinite number of moments.

While I floated there I slept, meditated, concentrated, cried, grew lonely, grew bored, gave up, and found the will to press on. I was an amalgam of complexities.

No…that's not true. Let's just call it what it was. I was a gigantic fucking mess.

I couldn't figure out what I wanted. I didn't know if I wanted to go forward or if I wanted to go back. If I go forward, I might cross some lines that are better off not crossed. But if I go back, I'd live the rest of my life thinking what if.

"I have to move forward. Even if I make a mistake. I have to keep pushing ahead."

It was at that moment that a ripple occurred in Pandora. It wasn't large, but it was distinct.

"What was that?"

I tried to touch it but the ripple was gone.

What was I doing just now? What was I thinking? The thoughts were coming so fast that I didn't have a chance to catch up. All I wanted to do was discover how I made that tiny ripple in Pandora. How did I affect this place?

I thought about pushing ahead, but that didn't do anything. What was different? Was I not desperate enough? Did I not think about it concisely?

As I continued to work through my thoughts, I noticed that the red pulse was growing weaker. It was no longer expanding. If anything, it was growing smaller. I watched in fascination as the red pulse became smaller and smaller until it was the size of a dinner plate.

"What's that?"

Next to the red pulse was a faint golden pulse. It was tiny. It wasn't even the size of a dinner plate or a fava bean. It was the size of the head of a needle. It was so small that if it wasn't so bright, I would've missed it.

As I focused on that light, it grew a little brighter. I felt like it was happy that I'd paid attention to it.

"This is getting too weird."

I went back to trying to remember what was going through my head when I made that ripple appear. Suddenly, that golden light shined brighter and, in a flash, inspiration hit me.

"Resolve."

That's what was different. When I had that thought about moving forward, my resolve was unshakeable. I was 100% invested in moving forward despite the challenges. That was different. It sounds so simple. But was it? Was having an ironclad resolve enough? Was it even possible to have a resolve strong enough to shake mountains and bleed rivers dry?

I remember Kokopelli mentioning that it was nearly impossible for a human to give 100% of themselves to anything because of basic genetic hardwiring. But I wasn't quite human anymore.

I closed my eyes and concentrated. I focused on willing the world around me to be what I wanted it to be.

Nothing.

I did it again.

Nothing.

Again.

Nothing.

100 more times.

Nothing.

1,000 more times.

Nothing.

1,000,000 more times.

Nothing.

1,342,679.more times…Ripple!

That was it! I did it. I didn't make the world alter as Kokopelli did, but it was a start.

I looked at the golden light and for some reason, I felt like it was smiling at me.

I smiled back.

"I'm coming for you!"