November 27, 2020 Friday

Hello Self!

Haist! Why am I supposed to bear everything? Am I a fucking toy that life is playing with in its own ways? Some bits of happiness, and then overloaded pain. It's just like eating an pizza with the pineapple. You like pizza, but you hate the pineapple on it. Same is my story of life going. But I think going word doesn't suits here bcoz my life is crawling slowly on the road and it can get hit by an overspeed truck any time.

Let's see what happened today.

As decided, i didn't sleep last night. A complete slumber you know. It was all because i had to join a webinar in the morning and i can't trust myself while sleeping. Usually, it's very hard for me to sleep. But, when after a lot of tries I get a nap, it really becomes longer. This moment, it is hard for me to sleep; but next moment, as I sleep, I don't even know how many hours already passed. That's why, I woke up all night. It's not like it was my first slumber. I did it many times in past too. But there's nothing to discuss about slumbers, so let's go ahead.

I left my room and went to kitchen. My family is on a vacation and I am the only one in my house. That's why I have to cook and eat. No cooking, no food. There, I washed the dishes from last night.

Ooooohhhh!!! So cold water! I screamed on the top of my voice.It currently winter season here. That's why, mornings are as cold as fresh ice. When I dipped my hand into water, it almost froze. It was like someone had put a complete glacier in the water. Everytime I remember that, I feel shivering down my spines.

Ok, let's move on from the cold water. I cooked my meal. While cooking, I felt sudden urge if eating. As I couldn't eat the uncooked food, so I cooked a packet of instant noodles and dismissed my hunger. Instant noodles are really a great invention you know! Whenever you don't feel like cooking food.. just cook a packet in 5 minutes and have a meal.

While this all procedure, songs were playing on the TV. I felt like dancing but I suck at dancing. I can do just few moves, that's also in the worst way. That's why, I only try to dance when I am alone. But I can sing well. Not like a nightingale, but atleast not like a crow either. Somewhere in between, I lie.

Now, do you remember why I didn't sleep last night? Yes, because I have a webinar to join. This webinar was all about space, rockets and how they work. To be really honest, I have always found space very amazing. It feels like space is calling me. Like someone is whispering in my ears, there lies your destiny. Somewhere in that vast darkness, there is a little. The light of your Life.

Haha! seems very funny. 😅

So today, the only noticable thing was this webinar. There is nothing else as so called "golden memories" to remember. All like everyday, so monotonous.

Now, I am sitting in my bed, thinking about so many things coming in my mind. I feel very confused inside.

When I remember those old days, when I never had a relationship and I was living very happy without it. I never needed someone by my side, but still I had some classmates, whom you can call my friends with me.

Then, it is today. I am single after so many relationships and I feel like something, somewhere is empty inside myself. Today, when I need someone by my side, I don't have anyone. I got rejected by everyone. I feel so lonely that there is no one else to talk except you. I wish you could reply to me on these things happening in my life. Why are they happening? When will they end? And why me? Why I have to suffer this all?

I feel so empty that you can build an enormous tower on that empty space.

Haha! I sound like a very depressed person and somewhere I feel that I am depressed. But also, I am a fighter too. I can't let anything make me lose so easily. Either Victory or last breath, it's my rule to fight everything. That's why, I can't let this depression rule over me but...

I feel so lonely. It's so empty within myself that I really can't bear it. Hope you understand what I am saying. I am being too philosophical.

Don't worry, I and you together will overcome it all.

That's all for today. Thank you for keeping my company.

Let's meet at the same place tomorrow. Wait for me.

Good night .

Bbyee. 😘