Chapter 6: The Preacher

Darryl could still remember the day when he added the word God to his list of fears. It was a Sunday afternoon. Darryl generally tried to wait until nighttime to take out his list. He knew that it was safer to take the list out under the cover of darkness. He couldn't let anyone to know about the list. A boy's fears are his darkest secrets. On that Sunday, however, Darryl couldn't wait until dark to take out the list. On that Sunday, Darryl's new fear consumed him. He knew that until he was able to add the fear to the list, until he was able to write the fear down and expel it from his body, he wouldn't be able to think about anything else. Writing the fear down was the only way that Darryl knew to control it and even that didn't always work. 

On that Sunday morning, like on most Sundays, Darryl and his mother had gone to church. On that Sunday morning, unlike most Sundays, Darryl made the mistake of actually listening to the sermon. What he heard changed the way he saw everything around him. From the moment he heard that sermon until the moment that he was able to get to his list, Darryl could barely breathe. He almost hadn't been able to hold out until the afternoon, when his mother told him she was going to run to the corner store, before he was able to sneak off into his room and take out the list. The list only had two words on it then: Dad and Mom. Darryl didn't know enough about the world to be afraid of much more than that-until that morning anyway. 

Darryl and his mother went to church nearly every Sunday. She told Darryl that it was important that he have some religion in his life. Darryl hated it, especially in the summer. He found the church, the preacher, even the songs, boring. He hated the fact that he had to dress up. Darryl only had one suit. His mother had brought it for him when he was about seven years old. She intentionally purchased it a few sizes too big so that Darryl would grow into it. By that Sunday, he had grown well past growing into it. Now, the suit was too small for him. About two inches of sox stuck out below Darryl's pant legs when he stood up. He could barely breathe if he tried to button the jacket. His mother made him wear a yellow clip-on tie to match the navy blue of the suit. In the summer, the wool was stiflingly hot. Once they were in the church, the air condition provided Darryl with some relief but the walk to the church was brutal. From their apartment in Red Hook, Darryl and his mother had to walk across the highway and up a hill to get to church. By the time they got there, Darryl would be drenched in sweat. Still, that wasn't the worst part about going to church on the hot summer days. The worst part for Darryl was that he knew that while he was sitting there staring out the window, counting the moments until the ultimate Amen, other kids, luckier kids, were already down at the park, watching the baseball games. He was still too young to get into the weekend games, but he loved watching those games almost as much as playing.

On most Sundays, Darryl found it hard to concentrate on the preacher's slow, drawn out delivery. Nobody else in Darryl's world talked that way. Instead of listening to the sermon, Darryl would flip through the hymn book, reading some of the hymns. He genuinely liked a few of them. He had favorites that he would read over and over again. He loved the cadence of the Battle Hymn of the Republic and would sometimes hum to himself as he read it. "Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord; He is trampling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored;"-whatever that meant-"He hath loosed the faithful lightening of his terrible swift sword; His truth is marching on." Even more often, Darryl would simply stare out an open window, watching the leaves sway in the wind and daydreaming. Darryl was a world class daydreamer. As soon as he and his mother got to church, Darryl would always try to find them seats where he would have a view out one of the open windows. He knew how slow time would go if he couldn't see outside. He daydreamed about what he could be doing if his mother didn't make him go to church. He could be outside, running, playing, exploring. He could be having fun. He could be living.

For some reason that Darryl couldn't explain, on that Sunday day, despite the sun shining outside, the preacher was able to grab Darryl's attention. It was only a few words at first but on that day, once Darryl began listening to sermon, he couldn't stop. He wanted to stop but he couldn't. He wanted to daydream again but his mind and the preacher's words wouldn't let him. Darryl had never really thought about God much before. God created everything. God was everywhere. God loved him. Blah, blah, blah. That's what he was taught. That's all he remembered. But on that Sunday, the preacher told a different story. On that Sunday, the preacher talked about a God that Darryl had never heard about before.

The sermon was about Abraham. The name was new to Darryl. He knew about Jesus and Adam and King David but not about Abraham. The preacher began to tell a story about this man Abraham who God professed to love above all others, and about how God called to Abraham. Abraham, upon hearing God's call, replied simply, "Here I am." Maybe that's what first caught Darryl's attention, the simplicity of Abraham's reply to God. "Here I am." Darryl didn't think that was how he would answer God if God ever spoke to him.

The preacher went on. Darryl looked at him, standing high above the congregation, leaning on the pulpit, adorned in his fancy robes. Darryl wasn't sure if he'd ever even really looked at the preacher before. The preacher placed one hand on each of the front corners of the pulpit, hunching over it. Darryl looked behind the preacher at the giant figure nailed to the cross and Darryl listened. He never forgot the next words that the preacher spoke because they made Darryl feel like his jacket was shrinking even smaller, like the bulge of his clip-on tie was pressing into his throat, constricting his breathing. The next words made Darryl feel like his whole world was spinning out of control. "Then God said to Abraham, take your only son, Isaac, whom you love and SACRIFICE him as a burnt offering on one of the mountains." Darryl heard the enthusiasm in the preacher's voice. He heard the joy when the preacher said the word sacrifice. Something didn't make sense to him. Even in the air conditioned room, Darryl began to sweat. He looked the preacher in the eyes and for the first time that Darryl could remember, he felt something. It wasn't hatred. It wasn't love but it wasn't hatred. It was fear but it wasn't fear of the preacher. What would be the point of that?

In Darryl's memory, the preacher then began speaking only to him.