Chapter 7: Fear of God

Darryl forgot that the rest of the congregation was even around him. "So Abraham took the wood for the burnt offering and placed it on his son Isaac, and he himself carried the fire and the knife." Darryl could picture it all too clearly. The father carrying the knife he planned on killing his son with. The son carrying the wood that would be used to burn his body after his father had murdered him. "As the two of them went on together, Isaac spoke up and said to his father Abraham, 'Father?' 'Yes my son?' Abraham replied. 'The fire and wood are here,' Isaac said, 'but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?'" Darryl could hardly believe his ears. What a question to ask. He imagined his own father, a father who had never laid a hand on him but who he had seen hit his mother. He imagined asking his father the same question, "What are we going to kill father?" when the answer was so brutally obvious even to Darryl. He wondered what his father would do in the same situation. If God asked his father to sacrifice him, would his father do it? After all, it was God. How can anyone turn down God? Then Darryl wondered about his mother. What would his mother do? His mother who made him go to church every week, his mother who prayed every night. Would she sacrifice him to God if God asked her to? 

Darryl could feel the room getting hotter by the moment. His vision constricted into a tunnel so that all he could see was preacher and the giant cross standing behind him. The preacher's eyes burnt into Darryl. Darryl could physically feel the preacher's stare on his skin and Darryl felt so alone. The preacher went on, "So Abraham bound his son Isaac and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood. Then he reached out his hand and took the knife to slay his only son." Darryl tried to look away. He didn't want to hear any more. He turned his head from the preacher and tried to look out the window but he couldn't. Whenever Darryl turned his head from the preacher all he saw was darkness. Then he felt his head being pulled back. He was submerged in fear. 

Darryl tried to listen to the people around him but the rest of the church didn't sound any different than it did on any other Sunday. Darryl knew that. No one around him was gasping in horror at the story the preacher was telling. Darryl couldn't take his gaze away from the preacher but he could still hear people murmuring around him like it was any other Sunday. Didn't people realize what the preacher was telling them? This God, the same God that they came to worship every single week, had just ordered a father to murder his own son. Darryl felt dizzy.

The preacher went on. He explained how the angel of the lord had called out to Abraham at the very moment before Abraham had slashed open his son's throat. Abraham's response to the angel was the same response he had given God, "Here I am." The angel of the lord then said to Abraham, "Do not lay a hand on the boy. Do not do anything to him. NOW I KNOW THAT YOU FEAR GOD." The preacher stretched out each word in the last sentence so that when he finally spoke the word God, Darryl felt like it lingered on for an eternity. He could feel the ground beneath his feet crumbling out from under him. 

Then the preacher, taking on the role of the angel of the lord raised his voice and said, "I swear that because you have done this and have not withheld your son, your only son, I will surely bless you and make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as the sand on the seashore. Your descendants will take possession of the cities of their enemies, and through your offspring all nations on earth will be blessed, BECAUSE YOU HAVE OBEYED ME." As the preacher spoke those words, Darryl reached out and grabbed his mother's hand. It was the only way he could keep his balance as the church began to spin out of control around him. If not for his mother's hand Darryl was sure he would have fallen out of his seat. Darryl's mother, feeling his touch, looked down and smiled at him as if nothing had changed. But everything had changed. Darryl now lived in the world where a man could be rewarded for his willingness to sacrifice his only son. Darryl now lived in a world where God would ask for such a sacrifice. Everything was different. Everything was worse. Nothing would ever be the same again.

The preacher went on to try to explain the meaning of the story, his face bathed in the various colors from the light shining through the stained glass windows. The preacher said that Abraham was blessed because he was willing to sacrifice his only son for God as God would one day sacrifice his only son for mankind. Darryl didn't buy it. Nobody had ordered God to sacrifice his only son. "We all must make sacrifices in our lives," the preacher said, "and for those sacrifices, we will be rewarded." But Darryl didn't buy that either. He didn't want that type of reward. As the sermon neared its end, Darryl looked around the church, hoping to find at least one other face in the church that was as aghast at the story they'd just been told as he was. He couldn't find one. Then the sermon ended. 

After church on every Sunday, Darryl and his mother stayed to mingle with some of the other congregants. His mother would talk to her friends and neighbors and Darryl would normally stare at his feet and tug at the ends of the sleeves of his white, button down shirt. On that day, however, Darryl looked up at the faces of the other congregants. They were parents. They had heard the sermon but Darryl couldn't see any semblance of horror on any of their faces. For them, this was an ordinary Sunday. The congregation's reaction to the sermon, or rather lack of a reaction to the sermon, scared Darryl nearly as much as the sermon itself. 

Once freed from church on those beautiful summer days, Darryl was usually full of bluster, eager to pull off his Sunday clothes and get to the ball fields. But on that day, Darryl was quiet. His mother sensed that something was wrong. "Are you okay Darryl?" she asked, her voice sweet and nurturing. She placed a hand on his shoulder, knowing full well his rule that she had to limit physical contact in public in case one of his friends saw them.

Darryl thought about it for a second but he knew that he was no okay. "Would you kill me if God ordered you to?" Darryl asked his mother as they walked. He looked her in the eyes to try to see if she was going to dodge the question or if she would have the courage to answer it. 

Darryl's mother paused before she answered. She was taken aback by the question. She hadn't really paid much attention to the sermon. She had spent the time worrying about bills and trying to figure out how she could get more hours at the hospital. She shook her head. "Don't be silly Darryl. God would never ask me to do such a thing," she replied.

She wanted Darryl to feel comfort in her words but he didn't because now Darryl knew better.