My secret

Minutes passed and I said nothing, I knew I could trust him. I knew I could tell him my story. I adjusted on the couch, trying to be comfortable. I stared at my clasped hands as I leaned forward, supporting myself with my elbows pressed on my knee.

"Mr Addison. Uhm- it's kinda complicated. I mean, the tough decision and the events that led to it. It's weird having this conversation with you."

"If you're not comfortable, then don't tell me. I'm not even a good listener, but I'm willing to try."

"Okay, fine. I'll try being comfortable."

I rubbed on my knees as if cold, brazed myself, letting a calm aura settle. In seconds, I was ready to tell my story. Thus, I spoke reflectively.

"As you know, my father, Nathan was an illegal immigrant. His documents were expired long before he met my mom. When my elder sister and I were born; the fear of being separated led us into hiding.

I must say; life was hard, you know. Being an illegal immigrant, life was even harder."

I paused and stood pacing back and forth while I spoke. This was my way of keeping my emotions at bay.

"Because of my dad, we had high restrictions; of where we went or what we did. My parents were overprotective and overly sceptical. We weren't allowed to talk to people or to have friends nor to live like other kids."

I sat back on the couch, rubbing my hands with my gaze fixed on the floor.

"All days and nights were spent indoors. At a point, neighbours saw us as weirdos, most concluded that our Jewish religion made us secluded.

I remember times when I'd long to play in the park with schoolmates or kids in the neighbourhood, but mom wouldn't let me. I grew bitter and longed for freedom.”

“So, did you get the freedom?”

“Yes I did, and it almost cost that of my dad.”

“Why?”

“When I was 6, I ran away, Joined a bus which I thought was going to the kid's camp. Sadly, It turned out that it conveyed a bunch of tourists. The police were involved, and Dad was almost caught. Somehow, my mom cleared my mess. That was when, my sister and I, were informed of the reason for the many restrictions. From then onward, my bitterness turned to guilt and fear. The fear of being separated.”

“Hmm.” He sighed, resting his back on the chair.

“I was willing to do whatever it took to ensure my dad's safety. Mr Addison, when I think of my childhood, I get this feeling I can't explain. One thing I can say is; it was traumatic knowing that, I was a fugitive in my own country."

I stopped to breathe. These memories were overwhelming. Still, I needed to get it out of my chest.

"Running away and leaving behind memories was part of my history. We moved from District to District, province to province. Battling with the constant fear of being caught.”

“Was that why you moved to Douro valley?”

I nodded, “We’d been here ten years now. And Douro valley was our safe haven until 3 months ago.”

“3 months ago?”

“Yea, the authorities found my dad and my little world came crumbling when my parents left me. With my sister in Lisbon and them gone. I’m just... Alone!"

I spoke in-between my sob. With that, he came over and embraced me, stroking my hair tenderly and I, like a spoilt cat enjoyed the warmth of his arms.

Suddenly, it dawned on me, that I was in his clasp so I thanked him and drew away.

We were less than ten inches apart, still, I wished he was closer. He kept staring at me pitifully, "I'll head back to my seat."

"No. Please stay." I said sharply.

"Okay, so- what happened after your parents left."

"Lots of shitty stuff. I won't depress you with that." I sniffled, "Mr Addison, I've been a mess." I looked at him with half-lidded eyes and added,

"I'm like a lost child in a foreign land. I don't know how to explain it, but, it's the exhausting feeling of trying too hard to be a social being not just a human. I don't know if It makes any sense."

"Yes it does," He gestured as her explained. "You were locked away for 18 years sorta, now you're trying to fill the blank spaces."

My moisten eyes enlarge and a sprinkle of excitement spread. Finally, I'd gotten the phrases that best described my actions.

"Exactly! That's the point." Quoting him, "I'm trying to fill the blank spaces. but I've been doing it the wrong way."

"What did you do?"

"That's a story for another day. My biggest challenge now is getting into college. Simply put; I failed the national exams, I lied to my parents that I've been accepted into the university of Coimbra. But karma is a bitch."

"If you could speak slower, maybe I'd understand you."

"I got rejected from all the universities I applied in. Mr Addison, am I that dumb?" I turned to him, looking like a lunatic in need of answers.

"Oops!" His brows creased with his mouth half-opened, "All the universities. But why?"

"Bad GPA."

"Have you explored other options?"

"What else can be done, the session is ongoing.”

An odd silence fell for a time. Addison contemplated of a possible solution while I collected my thoughts,

"Do you recall the day I stumbled on you at your home?"

"Yes. You said you were lost or something."

"I was. That was the day I received the rejection letter from university of Coimbra. I ran into the woods, grieved and couldn’t find my way back. You know the rest of the story.”

He simply nodded, folding his hands contemplatively, "I was thinking, why did you lie to your parent. I bet they would have understood if you told them the truth."

"I didn't mean to lie. I just... I had to say something to stop my mom from returning to Portugal. Besides, then I was hopeful that I'd really get in. Huh! Now it's complicated." I reclined on the couch, letting the quietness fill the air.

"What will you do now?" He asked.

"My life is screwed. I can't survive this. I don't know what to do." I cried, turning away. He drew closer and wiped my tears with his warm hands.

"I'm sorry about this."

I spoke In-between my sob, " Mr Addison, what do I do? I've been locked indoors for weeks. I can't go out because I'm ashamed to face people. Soon, my parents will learn the truth and will have me brought to Israel! What will I do with my life there? I can't even survive here, how will I, there?"

"So don't tell them."

"What?!" I was puzzled by his response.

"You don't want to fail them, and you don't want to live in Israel. If you tell them, you're doing both."

I gawked at him with our faces in proximity yet we were speechless and calculative. After a brief silence,

"I don't have a good GPA to reapply, what's the use of staying back? Most of all, I'm tired of hiding. I'm tired of being in my shell. I want to be free. I want to..."

My brittle voice resounded all over the house, growing into a loud sob.

He drew closer and wrapped me in his arms, reiterating the phrase: "it will be alright" until it became a sweet lullaby that I'll always remember.

I was calm for a while. So I weaken my grip on him. His shoulder was damp, creating tears maps on his brown folded sleeved shirt.

I apologized, "I made your clothe wet, sorry."

"I'm privilege to have a pretty girl's tears on me."

A whisper of smile found its way to my sad face, "Thank you for listening."

"That's what friends do." His eyes twinkled, beaming at me.

"Being friends with you sounds cool but it won't be for long."

"Why not?"

"I think I've made my decision. I'll tell my parents the truth and move to Israel."

He was speechless and troubled. His eyes sagged, casting a distrait look at me. Whatever went on in his mind I couldn't tell but I could see the despair in his eyes. I was determined to leave Portugal.