Chapter 437

Pearl didn't come down for dinner. She wasn't feeling well, mentally. The emotional roller coaster of being in Scotland, with Erik, at the church where they had been married was too much for her to process.

Around 9, a knock on her door brought her to reality.

"Pearl. Are you alright?" Erik's voice was on the other side of the door.

"Yes. Fine." She said. "I just need to be alone for a bit."

She heard some shuffling and something being slid under the door then footsteps leaving. She got up and saw a book. It was Keats. She picked it up and a note fell out onto the floor.

"I never stopped. Never. And I never will."

And an excerpt from

"Ode to a Nightengale" the poem he read to her in their Rome hotel room.

"Fade far away, dissolve, and quite forget

         What thou among the leaves hast never known,

The weariness, the fever, and the fret

         Here, where men sit and hear each other groan;

Where palsy shakes a few, sad, last gray hairs,

         Where youth grows pale, and spectre-thin, and dies;

                Where but to think is to be full of sorrow

                        And leaden-eyed despairs,

         Where Beauty cannot keep her lustrous eyes,

                Or new Love pine at them beyond to-morrow.

Away! away! for I will fly to thee…"

She smiled and wiped a tear from her cheek. She walked out of her room and found him in the garden.

"They will kill you, you know?" She asked, as he lit a cigarette.

"Better have one, then." He said, handing her the pack and a lighter.

She smiled and lit one and sat down next to him.

"I forgot how lovely these gardens were." She said.

"I didn't." He said with a sigh. "I haven't forgotten much at all."

She nodded.

"I took much for granted, that's certain. But I never forgot. Remembering is so long and moments like these, are so short."

She nodded again.

"What a mess we made." She finally said.

He looked at her and stood up, walking to face her.

"We didn't make a mess. I did. I used anger and resentment as a crutch. I had the world. But I never gave up. Not on you. I came back. I checked on you. Followed you. I went to Wyoming. I got help. I worked my ass off to be better. To fix myself. But I never, ever lost the reason behind it. I want you to remember that." He said firmly, not taking his eyes off her.

"I remember the infidelity. The pain you caused. The deceit." She began to say.

"Goddamn it, Pearl!" He said, slightly raising his voice.

"You were unfaithful too! You deceived me. We both were shit. Terrible. And I know that I wasn't a good man for you. I wasn't in a place to love you the right way. A love like that is powerful enough to destroy the world, if you let it. And I paid for it. All of it. I groveled. I ate shit, all the shit, pleading for forgiveness. From anyone and everyone. Working to make myself better. So much therapy. So much learning about myself. Prison! Being the biggest bastard of the entire world! And yet, I still paced outside of your door when Bash was hurt. I fled to Dylan's ranch to prove I still cared about making things right within myself, I followed you for years… a decade and such, just making sure you were ok after Sebastian died. I sobbed for you the day I was arrested when I found out the truth I already knew. But still, I never stopped. Never! I never stopped loving you. Even when you looked me in the eyes and told me you never loved me. Please understand what I have been through. Just a little! I know I don't deserve it but I beg of you… Try to give me some reprieve! Some grace. Just so we can be ok moving forward. I don't ask for your forgiveness. I ask for your understanding. I'm begging, dying here." Erik had tears falling down his face.

"What do you want from me? I forgave you. I told you that in Wyoming. I told you that I forgave you a few weeks ago!" Pearl shouted, feeling her own tears building.

"But it's a lie. You haven't forgiven me. Not at all. And most importantly, you haven't forgiven yourself." He said, putting out his cigarette and walking back inside, leaving her to her thoughts and anger.

She walked inside where he was standing at the stairs.

"Forgive myself for what?" She asked.

He put his head down.

"You don't want me to answer that." He said, looking away.

"Yes. I do. Answer me." She demanded. He nodded and walked to her, putting his hands on her arms, looking deeply into her eyes.

"For your own failures. For your inability to stand with me through it all. For the guilt you carry. For jumping from man to man looking for what you should have found in yourself. For being a terrible liar all these years. Lying to Bash. To yourself. For marrying two men you were never in love with to cover up your love for me and most of all, for still loving me, even now," he said, keeping his gaze deeply focused on her eyes. She felt a lump in her throat and rage in her chest. She slapped him across the face. He took it and didn't move except to release her from his grip.

"So that's it. You think that about me? That's an awful large amount of narcissistic bullshit." She was seething.

"No." He said quietly. "I know that about you."

She began to sob and pound her fists into his chest.

"No. No you don't get to do that to me."

He grabbed her wrist gently and looked into her eyes again.

"And I know I'm a liar, too. I'm not so reformed. I don't care about Dylan. Or Bash. Or anyone else. Not anymore. I'm not a good man at all and I know that. I always knew that. But goddamn it, I wanted to be a good man for you. I never stopped loving you. Wanting you. I will never stop loving you." He turned to her and pulled her into his arms, kissing her with such force it took her breath away. She tried to move back but she felt the energy between them so intensely that the pull kept her there, in his arms.

He broke their embrace, looking into her eyes with tears in his.

"I love you. I've always loved you. I'm in love with you and I don't care. And damn you for marrying Dylan. He's a good man and never deserved this."

He kissed her again. "Why couldn't you forgive me? Why so much hate?" He asked, looking at her again.

She pulled her wrist away and looked down. "Because loving you was the only time I've ever truly loved anyone. And you fucked it up. You knew how much hurt I endured before you and you still hurt me. You hurt me!" The tears fell as she looked up at him.

"I was a broken man, hurting inside as well. And I told you I was a bad man. But we can't change people, we can only love them. Flaws and all. We needed to build each other. Your idea of perfection has ruined us all." His words but through her like a knife. He sighed, letting her go and turning to walk up the stairs. She watched him until he was out of her sight.