Chapter 19: Carter

One night spent under the stars with Mercedes and my nightmares came back. I silently cried myself to sleep sweating profusely. The nightmares always began and ended the same and I was going to write about what happened in journal, but it seemed to real to write it down.

Like it had actually happened. I wouldn't be surprised if something had happened. My step mother told me many times that I wasn't her child and how I was worth anything. She would always tell me how she wanted me gone or threaten to kick me out of her house when she got really upset.

That nightmare was real. It had happened and I was reliving it when I closed my eyes. I laid back down praying silently that the same dream didn't replay when I closed my eyes again. But, I never got what I wanted.

I was sitting at the kitchen table getting ready to eat some of the leftover from the night before when my step mother walked in.

" This weekend we are going to clean this house. I don't want a speck of dirt on this floor any longer. I'll tell you each room that needs to be cleaned, so you can do it." She sneered.

" I have plans this weekend, why can't you do it?" I asked.

We argued as usual and I had forgotten about the plate of food I had on the table. She pulled my arm hitting me in the stomach and any where else that was open. I sat on the floor with my knees clutched to my chest wondering what I had done wrong.

But, when did I ever do something wrong?

" You will not speak to me that way again. Do it again and I'll bust you up. That's not a threat it's a promise." She glared at me and walked off laughing.

I sat there knees clutched to my chest and cried and cried for ever because all I wanted was for her to see me. The real me and not some step son who didn't deserve anything. When I got up to eat my food, blood was on my hands and everywhere else.

I knew it that moment I had died.

I screamed when I woke up. Ahliyah sat up with me with her hand placed on my back. I was trying to to catch my breath trying to learn how to breathe again. I finally looked at Ahliyah and cried because she was by my side. She has been here the whole entire time and I wasn't alone.

" It was another nightmare, wasn't it? Want to talk about it?" She asked.

I looked in her eyes and seen the worry, seen the want of wanting to know how she could help, or is she could help. Years of being mistreated and abused gave me PTSD forever. I was still learning how to come out and talk about what happened and although I wanted her to know what happened, it felt too personal to share with her right now.

I gave her a sad smile and laid back down and I began to doubt myself.

Did Ahliyah love me?

Will I ever be good enough for her to love?

Will she treat me like my step mother did?

I knew that in someway she loved me. I felt it but that voice was telling me that I didn't deserve her love or anything else for that mattered. I cried and I didn't wipe the tears away I let them fall onto my pillow wanting theses thought to go away.

I allowed myself to sleep and prayed that I didn't have the same nightmare again.

When I woke up, I went in my room needing to be in my own space. I didn't want to leave Ahliyah alone but I just wanted to be alone to think. To get away. Ahliyah gave me the time I needed and every hour I spent thinking and getting away hurt.

I was beginning to confront myself about the years of hurt and abuse I gotten through. I grabbed my notebook and wrote everything down. When I finally came out of my room, I realized that I went all day without eating and that Ahliyah was sitting on the couch waiting for me.

I made myself a sandwich and sat beside Ahliyah chewing my sandwich slowly. " You've shut yourself in your room for a while. I just... I just want to know if your okay. That's all. I know that nightmare you had was bad. When you're ready to talk, I'll be here." She got up walking into our room, all I thought was how much I wanted to open up to her and tell her everything.

Tell her everything because she needed to know the truth no matter how bad it hurt me in the process. There was that voice again telling me she wouldn't care and that eventually she'll end up leaving because she couldn't be with someone who wasn't willing to open up.

I sighed not giving in to that voice and called for Ahliyah to come back and talk. She sat down beside me looking at her hands sadly. " The nightmare was bad but it was bad because it was real. It's hard talking about the nightmares and anything else I'm going through. I don't have to tell you, you can read it." I told her.

" Read it? You wrote about." She said shockingly.

" My therapist told me that it would help for me to write everything down. It works when I have nightmares or panic attacks, or when I'm thinking about what I went through. You'll know everything I went through in those journals." I smiled.

She nodded her head and I grabbed the first journal I got when I was in middle school and gave her the others ones too. She could read them at her own pace if she wanted to, but it was all there. Every tragic moment, every suicidal though and tear. It was all there in those journals if she wanted to read them.

" You don't have to give these to me. These seem very personal." She said.

" They are personal but you should be the one to read them. Even if you read one entry, you'll know what I went through and what I am still going through."

She took the books into her room and came back to sit with me. I couldn't tell her myself what happened without crying or having flashbacks, but if she could read it then she will know and I won't have to worry about closing myself off from her again.

She won't have to worry about what going on inside my head, or how I feeling. She'll just know.

" I'm going to read them, even if they do make me cry and very upset with your step mother. I'll read them. You're very brave for everything you've gone through and no matter what I will always be here for you. Always." She leaned in kissing my lips gently and when she pulled away she smiled. She walked away in our room.

I sat there in the couch releasing a breath as the heavy weight that was on my shoulders disappeared. I was finally happy with giving her those journals because someone else needed to know, it was time for me to share at least of bit of what happened to me.

The voice started getting louder letting me know that I was making a big mistake. I loved her her and it was time she knew what happened. It was time for me to grow and move on and try to make a better life for Ahliyah and I.

It was time.