Chapter 20: Carter

Sometimes good thing came out of no where.  When I gave Ahliyah the journals I had thought that she was going to give them back.  I had wanted her to give them back. She took the journals with her everyday when she went to work and came back with a paper full of questions.

Sometimes we sat in the room and talked about what was inside of the journals, or we sat on the couch.  I tried to answer every question she asked to the best of my ability trying not to get chocked up. Now, I was sitting on the living room floor getting ready to answer more of her questions.

" Why didn't your father step in if he knew what was going on?" She asked.

" He loves Nora more than anything, more than me. She talked to him in away to change his mind before anything I said could make him see what happened. My dad and I were fine but when he got remarried everything changed."  I sighed.

" One more question. What happened on the night when your mom kicked you out of the house?"  She held my hands, smiling sadly giving me the time I needed to breath and remember what happened.

"  When I got home from school, my clothes and all my belongings were in trash bags by the door. I told Lorenzo not to walk me home because he's overly protective when he wants to be. She had beaten me up saying my dad knew the truth and how it was all my fault," I sighed. I remembered this moment like it was yesterday and I didn't need a nightmare for that.

" That night I grabbed my bags and slept in my neighbors back yard praying that no one called the police on me. Then Lorenzo took me in and I stayed with him until I could get a place of my own." Tears fell down my face and I wiped them away as Ahliyah pulled me into a hug.

I relaxed into her warm embrace and smiled sadly.  " I'm sorry all of that happened to you. I know all the I'm sorry's won't be able to undo anything, but truly I am sorry." She said.

I pulled away from her getting up running my hands through my hair. " Those journals are for you to keep. Don't give them back."  I shoved my hands into my pockets and I put all of my weight on one leg.

" What do you mean don't give them back? There your's."

I thought about it and I've told her what happened and I've come to terms with it. I was ready make something better for myself and telling myself the same story over and over again wasn't going to fix anything. It wasn't going to undo anything and Nora was not going to apologize for what she did either.

Reminding myself what happened wasn't helping, it was hurting me. I know that I will always have PTSD and I'll always be reminded of what happened, but I could change things that way I didn't have nightmares or have to worry at all. I could have a life with Ahliyah and tell her that I loved her and see where life takes us.

" I don't want to be reminded of it. If you don't want to keep them then we'll burn them instead." 

The thought of burning the journals hurt but there was no reason for me to keep them when I knew that things were not going to change. I knew that my step step mother was never accept me, or stop her ways because that was who she was.

Maybe I would need them again soon, but I was fine right now. Life was good and the way things were going I didn't think I was going to need anything reminding me of where I came from.

" Whatever you want to do, I'll be right here." She said.

" Thank you for always being by my side and with me."

We laid on the flor watching cartoons and while she laughed at what was on the tv. I couldn't help but wonder what being a kid was like for me before my mom passed away. I didn't remember much but I knew my mom would take me to the movies and let me eat what ever I wanted.

Those were the days.

Surrounding myself with the people I care for and love makes me want to go back being a kid, not having anything to worry about but what I was going to eat for dinner tomorrow night.  Life sure did have a funny way of showing you the good things and showing you how to appreciate them.

I was letting go and finally forgiving myself.  I was ready to stop blaming myself for what happened and I was ready to stop doubting myself and thinking that I wasn't worth anyone else's love.

Ahliyah left for work early the next morning, I went to make myself breakfast and Lorenzo was sitting on the couch. He lifted up his key reminding me that I gave him a key to come in whenever he wanted to.

" I came here to apologize to you and Ahliyah. I'm not the best when it comes to what you've been through and I know sometimes I'm a little overprotective, but I just want to know if your okay. Truly okay." He sighed, shoving his hands into his pockets.  " So, I'm sorry for the way I handled things and how I reacted when you weren't ready to tell me anything yet."

" It's okay. I'm sorry for pushing you away." 

I ran my hands through my hair and smiled. " Let's get you some breakfast."  I said.

I made breakfast and we ate and talked about what we used to. We were friends again, even though we never stopped being friends. It hurt though that he didn't want to understand why I didn't want to go back to the therapist or why I didn't want to talk about it.  I guess it hurt him to if he was apologizing for what he said.

We laughed and laughed and it was like the argument between us never happened things were like the used to be.

" Do you love her?" Lorenzo asked.

" Yeah, I love her.  Even when I close myself off from the nightmares or the panic attacks, she's there.  I like how she makes me want to do everything for her." I played with my fingers thinking about her. I couldn't help but smile thinking about Ahliyah and how she made me feel.

" Have you told her you loved her?" He asked.

I looked down at the carpet sighing, that was the only thing I was not able to do. " No. Why are you asking about Ahliyah and I? Don't you have a relationship you should be worried about?" I asked.

Lorenzo got up shuffling his feet and sighed. " It's complicated. It's always complicated. I'm still figuring things out.  I'll come back and apologize to Ahliyah just make sure you tell her you love her." He said walking near the door.

" I'll tell her soon." I grabbed the plates taking them to the kitchen washing them. Lorenzo left promising he was coming to come back and apologize to Ahilyah.  I cleaned up the apartment and waited for Ahliyah to come because I was going to finally tell her that I loved her.

Even though I know she might be leaving to go back to her mom soon. Even if she was going to leave me forever. I was going to tell her and make the most of the moments I had with her while I could.