Chapter 12: Still you?

He looked at me like he knew something was wrong. "How are you?" He asked.

I was a little surprised that he's here. I wasn't expecting anyone to come except Carlo or his mother.

"I don't want to see you." I whispered. My memories from what happened last night is spinning around my head, like a carousel out of control or a computer malfunctioning.

And I swear, it only hurts more when he's around. He's like a virus to me, like a cancer cell that keeps on spreading across my body making me fragile and vulnerable each day.

He lowered his head and I saw his shoulders stiffened with what I said. He looked so stiff, almost as if he's going to cry any second. "I just wanted to see if you were okay."

"Fvck it, Joshua. In what way will I be okay if you're here?" I said. I felt the lump in my throat stopping me from saying anymore lies that I can say just to make him leave. He looked at me. I saw how he managed to hide all of his emotions in just one blank stare.

"Get the hell out of my room. I don't want to see your lying face-"

"I didn't lie, Aiyah!"

"Fuck you, asshole! Get out of my room!" I screamed at him. I felt my face turn red and my hands shivering because of anger.

I've never been this angry before. I've never been in the point where I would scream on the top of my lungs just to say what I want.

I also felt my tears forming on the corners of my eyes. The thought of me crying because of stress is only making me want to cry more.

"Please leave."

He fell silent as I whispered those last two words as silent as I can, almost trying so hard to let him not hear it. I looked at him and he didn't even bulge. He stood there looking at me with his sharp eyes that screams all of his emotions.

"No matter how many times you tell me to leave, I won't, Aiyah! So don't tell me what to do because it'll only make me want to stay more!"

A sudden pain in my temples caused me to hold my head.

No, don't look at it. Don't think of it. Think of something else. Anything else, Aiyah. Just not the one from this guy.

But I couldn't stop it. Tears came rushing down like a waterfall and my headaches are knives hitting my mind. He already said that.

Somewhere.

"Why does it have to be me?"

It took all my power to say that. Why me? I have been asking that question to myself my whole life.

Why did it had to be me?

Why did I have to forget about an important part of my life? God gave me this disease to remember but why did he made me forget?

My forehead creased as I felt pain in my temples rising as my heartbeat goes with it and speeds up.

Please, just this once.

Just this once, I wish I faint.

I can't handle the pain of seeing him anymore.

I felt his hand on my head that made me feel heavier, my eyes so droopy. I want to sleep. I want to scream at him. I want to hurt him. I want to be bad just once, I want to hurt him so bad.

But I couldn't. I cried more when I remembered something.

I looked at him all weak. I stared at his ocean blue eyes as I recalled what he just said.

He won't leave.

Such a liar.

"Leave. That's what you did the last time."

I felt him stiffened, obviously shocked on what I said.

My headache... The reason why I cried..

It's because of that memory. Him...Leaving me.

I kept my head lowered. I didn't cry because of the pain inflected by the headache. I'm crying because of the pain that he caused.

Now I know why my personality changed after that incident. I didn't just lose my memories, I lost my man.

It was always me he kept on blaming for not staying but it was always him.

It was always him.

So that's the reason why I lay down every night but didn't have the will to sleep. That was why I randomly cry.

It's because of him.

Joshua and I are playing tic tac toe because both of us are bored and we couldn't think of anything else to do. I acted like a child every time I won but he just smiles a bit whenever he loses.

"Hey, you are way too quiet."

I noticed him being like this since last week. Sometimes he doesn't even react whenever I visit him in his room.

He looked at me and I smiled at him but his expression remained unchanged. Still blank.

Luh, attitude. He looked at me all serious like before sighing and avoiding my gaze.

"Aiyah, let's end this."

That one sentence was enough to stop me from counting our scores. That one sentence was powerful enough to create a virus in my mind causing it chaos.

I smiled like I didn't hear anything and forced myself to think of a topic so that the tension would lower.

"What? That's unfair! You're just losing so you're cutting the game. But ok, d'you wanna play another game?"

"I meant us. We should stop."

I felt pain running down my whole system while he said those words. No, please. Tell me he's joking.

"What? You're just joking right? Where's your cameras?" I asked as I looked around the room trying to find a hidden camera just to think this is all a stupid prank.

"No, Aiyah. I'm breaking up with you."

I was trying so hard not to cry, but my tears failed me. My face feels so red from crying and I can feel my heart beats slower than usual.

"I'm done, Aiyah."

With that, he left me crying on my room. Alone.

He said he'd stay. No matter how many times I pushed him away.

Fucking liar.

He stayed inside my room after I calmed down. He sat on the side of my bed while I had my face buried under my arms which was resting on my knees.

"I'm sorry." He said. " I'm sorry I didn't keep my promise. I'm sorry I left. But please know...please know that I'm here now."

I didn't stop my tears this time. I let them free. I allowed them to show this man and to myself that I'm in pain. So much pain.

I couldn't get every piece of my memories together but I know that he left. And that's enough.

I feel so weak. I've never been this weak before.

"I know I'm shameless for asking for another chance. But I can't also handle it anymore."

I heard his sobs that made me cry more. I looked away and stayed silent. I don't have the strength to look at him right now. But I couldn't force myself to not look t him because I know I'll just lose. I looked up and saw him looking at me.

I stared at him and all of the things he said on that one memory was enough to make me slowly shake my head while looking at him. I closed my eyes but my tears kept running down my cheeks. I tried to keep all my emotions inside so that the moment I open my eyes, it'll be blank.

But the moment I set my eyes on him, all of the effort I took in building my wall disappeared.

"I'm sorry." He said. He stood up before leaving me. I stayed in silence as I hugged myself tightly to sleep but it was to no avail. I pretended to sleep when Dustine stepped inside the room to bring my lunch. He didn't bother waking me up which made me thank him silently. I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone.

I want to know what happened. I want to know how. I want to know why the hell he left me.

I had too many questions. Heck, I don't even know if I'll be able to answer even one.

I fell asleep holding all of this inside me and woke up the next day feeling any better. The same amount of weight in my shoulders never left. I haven't eaten a single bite of food since yesterday and all I've been putting inside my stomach is water. I didn't mind starving, I have lost all interest in eating.

I stayed inside my blanket the whole day while overthinking about stuff like how we got into this situation, thinking what bad we did to deserve this kind of punishment.

"Stand up." I heard Carlo's voice the next day. I was just laying down and facing my window while Carlo was on my left side. My head was banging loud while my stomach growled for not eating a single meal for three days.

I felt someone harshly opened the door causing it to make a loud sound as the person pulled me up. I wasn't even surprised that it was Mama.

I received a very powerful slap from her the moment I was up from my bed. "What do you think you're doing? What? Are you going to lay there an refuse to eat anything then blame all the people around you when you feel something bad?! Just because your father is rich doesn't mean you'll just waste it in this damn hospital! Are you even thinking?!"

I lowered my head and didn't bother say anything. I think I deserved that slap. I needed that to wake up.

I'm stressing my self over this thing. I'm not even sure if it is important.

Oh, hell. It is important.

"I know what I'm doing. Please, leave."

She couldn't believe what I said. She stormed out of the room while his son, Carlo, stayed inside my room. I stayed quiet and just went back to laying down on my bed.

"What's with you?"

I ignored what my brother said and just continued sulking. I don't want to move. I don't want to think. I don't want to remember anything.

"You're losing yourself."

I know. And I hate it.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I've always wanted to get that memory, to know what happened. But now that I am already seeing it, I'm...

I don't want it anymore.

I stood up, realizing how stupid I am. Carlo looked at me, he seem disappointed of what he see. Well, he should be. Even I am disappointed of myself.

I got up and went out of my room. My legs felt like jelly and I know any moment now I'll collapse. But to hell I care.

I want fresh air. I didn't take the elevator instead I went straight to the stairs.

I can't believe I walked up ten floors just to get to the rooftop. I walked towards the barrier that wasn't as tall as other hospitals. It's height ended right on my chest that made it a bit easy for me to climb on. I wasn't planning on jumping down. I'm not that desperate.

Yet.

I just closed my eyes and let my body feel the breeze. I inhaled the cold wind of Tagaytay. Just one deep exhale and I already felt my tears falling down on the sides of my cheeks.

Why am I like this? Why do I feel this way? I should be happy. I remembered my lost memory.

Why do I always feel that something is still missing?

I don't want to jump. I'm not stupid. But now that I'm thinking about it, I might want to consider it.

If I do this now, it'll be short. After this, everything will be fine. No more problems. No more memories.

No more Joshua.

Only the thought of it made my heart ache more. How come a single mention of his name able to slowly break me into pieces?

I closed my eyes, feeling helpless. I want to scream so bad.

Why me?

Why does it have to be me?

I felt someone hugged me from behind and how it swiftly carried me down.

"Fuck, what were you thinking?"

He fell silent when I looked up, revealing my teared face. His eyes softened and I saw guilt, pain and pity. He slowly walked towards me and let a sigh before hugging me tight. I didn't move. My tears continued from falling while he rested my head in his chest.

"Damn it, Carlo. Why did he suddenly came back."

How come after he left me, he's now coming back. I was doing so fine. I was doing so well.. Why did he came back only to wreck me up all over again.

"Why am I... a-after all of it... After all of it..."

I couldn't speak any further. I was too scared to accept the truth.

Now I know why I'm always crying.

The pain wasn't the only thing that stayed.

Because my love for him also did.