|twenty-one|

"JiSung, it's your turn." Felix calls as he peeks his head in the room.

"Coming." JiSung immediately stops dancing and hurries out the door.

"Thank god he's gone." MinHo shuts the music off and sits down in front of me.

"I feel like we've been dancing longer than we do in actual dance practice." HyunJin falls down beside me in defeat.

"We've been dancing for a whole forty minutes." MinHo shakes his head at him as Felix joins us on the floor.

"Hey, do you want me to show you my Billie Eilish cover dance now?" HyunJin sits up the moment he recalls my comment from earlier.

"Not right now—but eventually. My knee kinda hurts." I mumble as I rub at my knee. I regret mentioning it the moment I open my mouth.

"The one you fell and hurt? Is it still bruised bad?" HyunJin pushes MinHo out of the way so he can grab my leg.

"I haven't really looked at it to be honest." I shrug. I really haven't looked at it. I'm so used to bruises and pain that I just ignore it most of the time.

"Let me see." MinHo shoves HyunJin away and carefully attempts to roll my leggings up enough to see my knee.

"That's not going to work well." Felix watches him in amusement.

"It should, these ones are a bit big on me." I mumble as I lean forward to take over.

I thought ahead and figured someone would want to see my knee. I feel like they're always going to want to check on it—even when it's fully healed.

"It's still bruised. It looks painful—why didn't you tell me earlier! I would've gave you a piggyback ride again." MinHo pokes at my side before helping me tug my leggings back down.

"Again?" Felix turns to him suspiciously.

"Yeah, last night on our way to her friend's place I gave her a piggyback ride and we left HyunJin in the dust." MinHo chuckles as he gets onto his feet.

"If you gave me a piggyback ride, how would we have gotten all the drinks and the donuts here?" I question as I reach out for his hand to help me up.

"These are facts." MinHo nods in agreement as he takes my hand in his and pulls me up.

"So, what'd I miss when I fell asleep yesterday?" HyunJin asks as he stares up at us from the ground.

"Not too much. We just talked about the possibilities." MinHo shrugs as he makes his way back toward the speakers. He turns on his playlist and lowers the volume so it doesn't drown out our conversation.

"The possibilities—I see a ton of them. Just imagine the headlines now—Han of Stray Kids in a long term relationship with the girl of his dreams." Felix gets to his feet and mimics holding a newspaper to exaggerate his ridiculous claims.

"More like Han of Stray Kids gets turned down by the girl of his dreams." I mumble as I pout.

"She's not a fan of the idea. She's too worried people will go after them. She doesn't want to be caught up in drama." MinHo wraps his arms around my neck.

I swear I told them I don't like being touched—but honestly, I'm to the point I don't really care. It feels like every time I'm with them one of them is touching me. It's never anything terrible. It's usually innocent like it is now. It's just something they naturally do when together. In a way, it makes me feel like I'm actually part of the group.

"I mean—I don't blame her. Have you seen what happens to some of those celebrity couples? They face so much criticism and hate that it's ridiculous." Felix shakes his head as he scoots toward HyunJin. He lays his head on his thighs and looks up at us.

"Don't scare her. Those two are a perfect match. If you scare her off—I'll have to beat you." MinHo pretends to kick at Felix as he glares mincingly at him.

"It's not gonna happen. I've gotten used to the idea of being considered your guys' friend, but I don't see dating as a possibility—not even in a hundred years." I shrug as I instinctively place my hands on top of MinHo's.

"JiSung hasn't even mentioned it as a possibility, so we might want to take a step back. If she's not on board, we can't be so sure he is either." Felix sighs as he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.

"He is. You should've heard JeongIn this morning. He was complaining about JiSung not shutting up. He was ready to put tape over his mouth." HyunJin chuckles as he plays with Felix's hair.

"He really wouldn't stop." JeongIn chimes in as he slips into the room.

"What was he saying?" MinHo asks as he lets go of me to sit beside the others.

"He was talking about how he should've been the one to go with. She had his sweatshirt—he needed to be the one to keep her warm. At one point, he was tempted to run after you. He was also cursing HyunJin out for spilling coffee on his coat." JeongIn chuckles as he sits beside MinHo.

"If I meant to spill coffee on him, it would've been a lot more." HyunJin groans as he rolls his eyes.

"He'll get over it." Felix laughs as he sits upright. He glances over at me as I anxiously pace back and forth.

"You might as well sit down, he won't be back for at least a half an hour—probably closer to an hour. He's really picky with recording." MinHo pats the floor beside him encouragingly.

"If I sit on the floor again there's a chance I won't be able to get back up." I mumble as I rub at the back of my neck.

"I'll carry you if I need to—just sit down." MinHo takes my hand in his and pulls me down beside him.

"Don't have too much fun without me—I'm here now!" ChangBin exclaims as he pushes the door open and runs toward us. He pushes Felix back down on HyunJin and lays on top of them.

"You're going to crush me." HyunJin groans as he struggles to free himself from the prison of Felix and ChangBin.

"It's all good, we don't really need you anyway. We'll just add Ari to the group. She can be our visual—next to me of course." ChangBin teases as he climbs off of Felix to lighten the load on HyunJin.

"I'd say that gives me more time to sleep, but she wants me to teach her my Billie Eilish dance, so I need to remain in existence long enough to at least do that." HyunJin sits up and rests his head on Felix's shoulder. He closes his eyes and yawns.

"Let's be honest, I'll probably never be able to learn it." I sigh as I place my hands awkwardly in my lap. I never imagined sitting in a circle like this with them. It seems so unnatural yet comfortable in a way.

This is what my childhood should've looked like. I should've been happy and joking around with friends—not hiding behind a mask of fake truths. I became the person everyone wanted me to be. I wasn't myself at all. The smile I wore was painted on my face each morning while a storm brewed inside.

"What are you thinking about? You look like you're concentrating on something." ChangBin questions as he leans forward to poke me in the forehead.

"Nothing—I was just thinking about this." I motion toward our little circle with a weak smile.

"What about it?" Felix asks curiously as he looks around at the others.

"I've never done anything like this before. When I was younger, I was always the one on the outside. I never took part in these kinds of things. They scared me." I explain casually as I pick at my nails.

The room falls silent as my confession sets in. They probably didn't realize how bad my social skills actually were until now. They more than likely assumed I was just shy with new people, but in reality it goes a whole lot deeper.

"For me, friendships don't usually last long. That's why it's honestly shocking JiHyo and I are still friends. I usually mess everything up. I overreact a lot. I can also say things that hurt people's feelings—but I don't intend them to. I just don't know how the whole relationship thing works." I mumble as I glance up to take in their expressions.

"That's not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes it's good to not know how to do something. If you go in blind, you learn a lot more than if you go in thinking you know everything." ChangBin attempts to pick the mood up.

I rub at my eyes as I nod in agreement. I wasn't lying when I said I didn't have the best night. I was up having a panic attack most of it. Who wouldn't after talking to an idol about the things MinHo and I talked about? I attempt to fight back a yawn, but it wins me over.

Without a word, MinHo guides my head to his shoulder. The others don't even seem to notice—or care. Honestly, I don't mind it either. It feels weird—I'll probably feel his shoulder on my cheek for the next three hours—but it's nice.

"What are we having for lunch?" MinHo attempts to steer the conversation away from me.

"I say chicken—or pizza." Felix perks up at the mention of food.

"I don't care what it is, just so I have something to stuff my face with." HyunJin nods in agreement as I fight to keep my eyes open.