|twenty-four|

I rock back and forth as scolding hot water pelts me from above. No matter how hot I make it, it can't numb my pain. It can't stop the tears. My phone has gone off several times, but I can't bring myself to check it. I'm sure it's him. It has to be. He was dead set on coming over tonight. I really wish he wouldn't though. He's already seen me when I was weak, but he hasn't seen me at my lowest. If he sees me sitting in the shower fully clothed with makeup running down my face rocking back and forth, he's sure to run. Any person in their right mind would run.

I hear a loud knock on the front door, but I don't budge. I can't move. I've lost all strength in my legs. The only thing keeping me conscious is the fear of him finding me. If I'm not awake when he finds me—if he finds me—I don't know what he'll think. If I'm awake, I can't at least try to defend myself.

"Ari—where the hell are you?" JiSung's voice is panicked as two sets of footsteps approach the bathroom. He isn't alone.

"Breathe, JiSung. I'm sure she's fine. It sounds like she's taking a shower." MinHo speaks up as JiSung pounds on the bathroom door.

It isn't locked. I never lock it. If I lock it, it gives me a sense of safety. If I feel safe, I often go too far. That's how I got the scars on my thighs. I can't get up to open the door for him. I don't want to.

"Ari—at least say something—anything." JiSung's voice becomes weak. He thinks something happened to me. He thinks I did something stupid.

I would be lying if I said I hadn't though about it. I was completely alone until they got here. I could've gotten away with it. No one could've stopped me, but I couldn't bring myself to do anything. Instead, I've spent the last hour sitting here soaking wet. The heat of the water has been trailing off for the last ten minutes. Within the next five it'll be freezing cold. Maybe that's what it'll take for me to feel okay.

"I have to go in." JiSung states firmly.

"JiSung—do you really think that's a good idea? What if she just can't hear us? I'm sure she's fine. Let's just wait it out." MinHo tries to talk sense into him. Part of me hopes it doesn't work. I want someone to save me, but I don't want it to be JiSung.

Is it wrong for me to want it to be MinHo who finds me? I want him to be the one to pick me up and carry me out of the bathroom. He makes me feel less pressured. I don't have to try to be perfect in front of him like I do JiSung.

"You weren't with her earlier—you don't know what she said." JiSung insists as his hand grips tightly onto the doorknob.

"Let me do it." MinHo stops him.

"Why—why would I let you do it? I told you what happened earlier. I told you I hate seeing you around her. Why would I let you—" JiSung stops talking as I reach out to turn the water off.

"I told you she's fine." MinHo is quick to step down.

"She's not fine." JiSung states firmly as he forces his way into the bathroom.

I close my eyes tightly and bury my face in my knees. Tears fall down my face as a weak sob slips passed my lips. JiSung hesitantly sits down on the ground just beyond the shower curtain.

"Talk to me, Ari." JiSung whispers softly as MinHo paces outside the bathroom.

I can't say anything, but I can't not say anything. He deserves an answer. I swallow hard before reaching out to tug the curtain aside. JiSung gets to his feet in a panic. The moment he lays eyes on me, he leans down to pick me up.

"You scared me. I didn't know what happened. I called you a dozen times." JiSung holds me tightly against his chest as he rests his cheek on top of my head.

"She's soaking wet." MinHo finally steps into the bathroom. His voice fragile.

"There's a towel." JiSung nods toward the towel I set out for myself. I hadn't anticipated on being fully clothed when I used it, but I just couldn't bring myself to take my clothes off. It was too much effort.

JiSung sits on the edge of the tub with my still in his arms. MinHo delicately wraps the towel around me. He kneels down beside us as I bury my face in the crook of JiSung's neck.

"I'll go find her dry clothes." MinHo gets to his feet. He needs a way out. I told him about these type of days. He knows better than anyone how bad they can be.

Honestly, MinHo is the only one I've been completely honest with about them. My family isn't even aware of how bad they really are. They think it's just a hard day here and there—that I'm just a little on edge and sensitive—but it's far worse than that.

"You should've called me. I would've left practice." JiSung delicately runs his fingers through my wet hair.

The feeling of his warm body beneath mine eases the pain. It doesn't feel like it's eating me alive anymore. It just lingers in the pit of my stomach and the back of my mind. Right now, all I can focus on is him—the way his voice falters in fear and the warmth of his tight grasp. He makes everything so much easier.

"Why didn't you call me?" JiSung whispers as he presses his lips to my forehead. I can tell he's on the verge of tears. He's overwhelmed. He feels betrayed.

"How can I call someone I try so hard to be perfect in front of when I look like this?" I mumble as I grab onto his shirt to help keep me from slipping off of his lap.

"You don't have to be perfect in front of me—just honest." JiSung pulls back to see my face. I try to turn away from him, but he cups my cheek before I can. He uses his sleeve to wipe the smeared makeup from under my eyes.

"I got her dry clothes." MinHo sighs as he sets them on the counter next to the sink.

"Get dressed, we'll be in the living room." JiSung smiles softly as he helps me onto my feet.

I watch them make their way out of the bathroom. I want to reach out and beg them to stay, but I know I can't. I'll only be alone for a few minutes—just long enough to change clothes.

"Is she okay?" MinHo asks.

I shouldn't listen, but I can't help it.

"Truthfully, I don't think so—but there's nothing I can do about it." JiSung groans.

I change pants quickly, hoping to get this over with before the feeling of JiSung's body beside mine fades. The moment it's gone, the moment everything comes flooding back.

"It happens a lot. Honestly, that's not the worst of it." MinHo begins to spill some of the things I told him.

"She told you about it?" JiSung sounds disappointed.

"She also told me not to tell you, but look what I'm doing." MinHo mumbles.

I force my clean sweatshirt on and immediately head for the door. I need to stop MinHo before he tells JiSung too much.

"How bad does it get—just tell me that." JiSung asks, seemingly aware of the reasons I didn't want him to know.

"Don't tell him, MinHo. Please don't tell him." I beg as I slip into the living room. I scratch at the inside of my wrist as I stare at my feet.

"Stop." JiSung is quick to get to his feet. He grabs ahold of my arm and pulls my hand away from my wrist.

Don't cry. Don't you dare cry.

"It's not intentional." MinHo makes his way toward us. He hands me Taro and steps back.

I cling to Taro with everything I have. I take fistfuls of his squishy body in my hand in attempt to ease my racing heart. The repetition sends a sense of relief through my body.

"I hate this—I hate that you know more than I do." JiSung releases me and turns away.

"I'm not going to fight you on this. I'm going to call Chan to bring you dry clothes." MinHo waves his hand in dismissal before slipping out of the room.