Putting up a Wall

I arrived at school the next morning from the hospital. After my encounter with Grandfather yesterday, I really didn't want him around. I texted him telling him that he can stay in his apartment for the night and that I insisted. I told him that I needed some time alone and he respected it.

I was contemplating ever since our talk that if he's worth fighting against my Grandfather's wishes? I still don't know anything about Nate aside from the fact that he's an orphan. But why does Grandfather seem to know him to the point that he is giving me ultimatums?

I swear to God I think I will get myself admitted to the hospital because I am having a bad headache and I feel like fainting any second now. I honestly didn't have enough sleep because of all the contemplating.

As I arrived for my first class, Nate was standing by the door reading a book in his hand. I walked past him trying to ignore and give him a cold shoulder. I saw that he raised an eyebrow as I passed by him. He followed me to my chair. I was putting my bag behind the chair and sat down, looking straight ahead at the board.

"Good morning Lu," he said, with a smile.

"Get lost," I said underneath my breath. It seems like I was the only one who heard it. I hate that I'm like this to him, but I seriously don't need sweets and butterflies right now.

He tried to sneak a pat in my head, but before he could even brush my hair I slapped his hand, stood up and told him, "I said, get lost!"

Everyone in the room was shocked at me shouting and since everyone's eyes are on us, every single one is paying close attention to the next thing that will happen.

"One more move and that hand of yours will be broken in two. Get lost and don't talk to me," I said, not even glancing at his face. I rubbed the temples of my head trying to ease the pain and confusion I am feeling.

Nate moved away and went back to his seat. I can feel that he was dumbfounded by what just happened. Even my other self is screaming inside who cannot believe what I have just done.

Classes started and I can't seem to manage to let any information sink into my brain. It keeps floating around - from whatever gibberish our teacher is saying to mom's condition to what Grandfather said and to what I did to Nate earlier.

"Ah fuck," I shouted, grabbing my bag and stormed out from the room. I saw for a glimpse how shocked everyone was. Whispers started to disperse. The teacher tried to call my attention but I didn't bother to look back.

I went to the only place I know can calm myself the fuck down and that's the rooftop. It's always been my comfort escape.

Good thing when I arrived the door was still unlocked and no one was around. Even if I haven't been here for a while because of a lot of things that happened these past few weeks, it seems that it is the only constant thing that will never change.

I sat against the wall and grabbed a box and a lighter from my secret pouch in my bag. I haven't smoked for a while too. I only smoke whenever my mind's a bust just like now.

I lit up the butt of the cigarette and inhaled from the other end of the stick, tasting the bitter yet addictive taste of nicotine in my mouth. For quite a while I was able to keep my mind away from thinking anything. The grounds have faint noises of people walking and talking. Suddenly, the bell rang and the door of the rooftop opened wide, revealing Nate with his hand on one of his shoulders which was holding his bag. Nate looked around for a while until our eyes landed on one another.

As he approached me, I bit the cigarette stick on my lips as I stood up and patted my uniform off of dust and dirt, and yet a calculated slap went across my face removing the stick off of my lips.

"Hey!" I shouted with an annoyed face.

"Hey to you too!" he angrily retorted back.

"Tsk," I snapped and walked past him but he held my wrist. "What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you being--"

"Didn't I just say to get away from you? Fuck off," I furiously said to him, trying to shake off his grip over my wrist.

"No," he said firmly.

"Let go, Nate! Or else…" I threatened but he didn't seem to budge. (I just want to be alone.)

"Or else what?" his voice raised, but a worried face was written all over it. "This is not you. If you're having a hard time, just--"

"Just what?! Tell you? Because you know how it feels to lose a mother? So you understand what I am feeling? Is that it, Nate?" I asked with clear annoyance in my tone.

"You're not being fair," he said, loosening his grip over me.

"Not fair? Me? Wake up Nate. The universe is not fair itself. If you're dreaming, fucking wake up because the universe has its ways to fuck it all up even if you think everything is now already in place," I said and left him there hanging.

I ran to the nearest bathroom and locked the door. Girls following me tried to open it and knocked demanding to open the door, but I didn't mind them. Tears started to flow from my eyes.

I've decided. I need my future. I need to work and help ourselves - particularly myself if I ever dream of getting back up in society. I can find another "Nate". He's not the only guy I will surely meet.

But I am being unfair to him, right?

The days continue and Nate still was trying to sneak his way to keep cheering me up during school days. He keeps on waiting by the gate after school, but time and time again I keep pushing him away. He's making it hard for me to commit to the decision I made days ago.

Today's Thursday and I am currently on a train going to the next town. I need to earn back money for our daily expenses. I have to at least try to pay the bills in the apartment before Mom arrives from the hospital. Although her condition has not yet improved since Sunday. I'm getting worried but work helps me get distracted, so I insisted Ms. Ava let me.

Minutes after I arrived at the cafe. Nate was waiting by the staff back exit door, where I usually come in for my shift.

"Nate," I said. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"Just making sure you've arrived safely," he replied with a smile - a painful smile of confused feelings and still the passion to care about me.

"Don't worry. I will give you the space you need. I'll go," he said and walked away.

'Don't.' I thought to myself but had no courage to speak it up. All I ever did was watch him as the distance between us is growing.

What am I even doing? Why am I pushing away the only person who told me that he will stand by my side? Now that he is obeying my wishes, I can't help but feel mad. Argh! Why are girls' minds so complicated? Why is my life so complicated?

I went inside the staff room to change and Ms. Ava showed up a few minutes later.

"Hey, Selene."

"Ms. Ava, do you need something from me? I'm sorry if I took a while to time in to--" I stopped mid-sentence because she suddenly hugged me tight like how a family does give you comfort.

"I know things are tough right now, but you gotta hold on. Okay?" she said. I suddenly burst into tears without realizing. Her hug was so warm and comforting that all the bottled feelings inside are bursting out in the open.

After my shift, I went directly back to the hospital. I have been staying in the hospital to look after Mom. As I arrived in the ICU room, a nurse was checking on Mom.

"Hello! Good evening," I greeted.

"Good evening, Miss. Your mom seems to be holding on. Vital signs are still stable, but she still hasn't regained consciousness," the nurse explained. I just nodded and thanked him.

"Oh before I forgot. There was something on the nurse's counter for you. Some guy dropped it off earlier," he said.

'Some guy?' I thought. There was only one guy that came into mind who would do something like that.

I went to the station after I'd settled down. I mentioned that there was a package for me at the nurse who was staying by the counter. She smiled at me and handed me the brown paper bag.

"You do know dear that we aren't a dropping center here for pickups of items. Please do tell your boyfriend that," the lady nurse said with a scary smile.

"I apologize for the inconvenience it might have caused you. I will let him know," I said.

I went back to the room and grabbed my phone. I scrolled through my contacts and tapped the message button.

'Nate,

I appreciate you sending out these paper bags containing food for me to eat, but please stop. You are even bothering the nurse's station! I just received a nag from them.

Just stop.'

I pressed 'send' and then a few minutes later my phone vibrated.

'I'm sorry. I won't bother people again, but please take care of yourself. Eat. I don't want you to be the next person laying in bed due to some illness.

Good night, Lu.'

And just like that our conversation ended.

My life is really fucked up. I just want to give up. It's as if the world is telling me I do not deserve to be happy because if I do, it won't be even for long because I am born to be miserable. Why the fuck am I even alive?

I think this is now my karma for what I did.

It's finally the last day of the school week. It's lunch time and I decided to have my lunch on the rooftop. Well, there's not much food to eat because I didn't bring any, aside from what Mrs. Gibbs insisted on me to bring breakfast for school. But I really don't have any appetite at all to eat.

As usual, I leaned over the wall. I grabbed a stick and a lighter from my pocket. I lit the stick and inhaled its once again addicting flavor of nicotine.

I raised my head and closed my eyes as I inhaled another one, but suddenly felt the stick fly away from my fingers.

"What the hell?!" I shouted in anger. I looked up who it was and it was Nathaniel.

"Are you serious, Luna? Do you want to get sick or something?" he asked furiously.

"Fuck off. Go mind your business," I said, pushing his shoulder, resulting in him taking a step back.

I tried to take the stick that flew off earlier, but it was all too dirty for me to use it again. So, I grabbed another from my pocket, but a hand was gripping my wrist before I could even reach for it.

"Why are you being like this? Didn't I tell you that I will be staying with you no matter what happens? Why are you being so stubborn?" he asked furiously but with a confused and painful look.

"Come now, Nathaniel. We haven't even started the actual dating phase yet. We only went on one date… ONE FUCKING DATE but you act as if we have been doing this for months -- hell, for years now? Who are you to be so demanding of myself to please your needs? Go fuck yourself with someone else," I said.

"How come you can stoop so low that easily, Luna?" he said and walked away.

The moment he left, I crumbled. I sat on the floor crying.

What have I done? Why am I being like this?

I hate this version of myself.

I fucking hate it.